To try for baby (boy) #5?

[TrueViper]

Im 28 and my partner is 27. We have 4 boys. 8, 6 (7 in Dec), 4 and 23 months. My last pregnancy was tough and we were firmly done after he was born

Then at the start of the year we talked and we were more leaning towards baby 5 over being done but we didnt want another winter baby if we could avoid it (obviously we wouldnt have been able to fully plan) and we agreed to talk about it later in the year. We homeschool and back in January was a real struggle with homeschooling the older 2, and keeping the baby entertained he was 16 months and it was HARD because he wanted to be into everything. Also we had bug after bug and it was just not a fun time.

I then had a pregnancy scare in February that seemed to make me feel we were done but maybe because of all the stress. But now the time has gone on and I want another baby, my older 2 are going to school which is their choice so they’re starting year 4 and year 2, part of me is anxious they’ll hate it (i had bad experiences in school) but i’m happy they’re willing to try, they’re sociable children and are part of a football club and recently did a summer sports camp and we were part of a homeschooling group where we met up once a week

If they’re going to school I feel I would be able to handle baby #5, especially as there’d be over a 2.5 year age gap if we got pregnant straight away.

It’s not any of the ridiculousness about us wanting a girl as we’d likely have another boy anyway (hence the title)

WWYD?

No I wouldn't keep popping out children thinking "well never mind one more home school child sounds great"

I have friends who had their first at 40 or older. Took them even longer than you to feel ready.
Does it mean that you are irresponsible because it took someone else even longer than it did you?

As people keep saying though, your kids are relatively young and happy to do the simple things.
As they get older there will be more costs. Mine don't like going to the park or just playing out. Your kids might be in the wholesome stage of going around as a family and happy to play at home but when that changes and they want games consoles and phones, branded clothes etc you will have a lot more expenses.
Then you have days out or holidays. Again at the moment you might not want those things but maybe your children will e.g. going with mates to the cinema, wanting a birthday party with friends from school at soft play.

Also secondary school is expensive. We have just had to buy uniform and while there is supposedly new rules in place we still have spent a fortune on uniform with the right logo or right colour.

Nope, that’s not what I’m saying at all…

But lots of people are more generous than that. Mine were paid for way back when and I in turn paid for my children to learn and spent HOURS practicing with them, they both needed to drive for jobs so it’s been essential.

What world do we live in that getting a pintrest board and doing up your house is better than having a baby? How does this enhance her financial future?
It might well be that having another baby is not the best decision. But this has nothing to do with the indispensability of Pintrest boards and boosy all-inclusive holidays and furry friends in strollers.

No parent "needs" to pay for driving lessons, cars, house or rent deposits...the young person can get a job and fund them for themselves. It is possible and plenty do!

But if I break up I have a legal contract to fall back on which offers me some protections.

OP would you consider fostering if you’re in a position to do so?

But at a very big disadvantage in this day and age if no help is given.

Housing costs as referred to upthread = mortgage or rent payments.

Electric, gas, council tax = cost of living bills

If its what you both want then go for it

(according to your cloth 🤭 )

I wonder if the OP is worried about the next stage in her life and wants to have another baby to fill some sort of gap? It's something we all have to face ( them growing up, no longer babies, then no longer toddlers, etc etc ) but what about when #5 is no longer a baby? You'll have to face it sometime.
Personally, I think it's irresponsible. There is no Planet B and this one already has too many people to support.

I think it’s hard to answer as only you know. I don’t think having a 5th child is a need as such. I would have liked more but knew it was financially sensible to stop when I did. I would be careful to protect yourself if the house is your dps. It’s easy to fall into the thought of wanting another as each baby grows. I would consider working with babies in the future. I think it’s important to consider the time you have for each child. As they become teens it gets expensive even if you don’t want it to, allowing dc to interact, socialise and fit in with others. I would consider first cars, driving lessons etc and holidays. If you don’t want to provide for that I think you can carry on. I guess the question to ask yourself is why you want another. I would listen to your body also if the last pregnancy was tough.

@TrueViper before you even consider TTC another child, please run to the registry office and get yourself married! You've already said neither of you want a big wedding. That's great. But do it tomorrow. The fact that you are living in a house that is mortgage-free is great; the fact that it belongs to your partner is not so great at the moment. You may be a wonderful couple and will still be in love in your 90s, but we never know what's around the corner. You can find yourself without that partner in a heartbeat for a whole variety of reasons. And being married to him or not will be the determining factor of whether you struggle or survive after such a seismic emotional disaster. As other PP have said, you both need to have a very honest look at what the next 20 years are likely to look like for your family in terms of how your time is spent, the resources you need to make it comfortable and how expensive it might be. Good luck, but please, please, please get yourselves down to a registry office sooner rather than later.

the “what if you break up” comments are fair but can be said for nearly every post on MN.

But not everyone has 4/5 kids.

Life is a lot harder as a single parent the more kids you have.

Your current 4 are apparently all healthy, no SN or MH etc but the 5th may have.

The majority of women don’t have kids with men who aren’t decent men and involved fathers - some people change.

Your DP is in a job that has a much higher fatality rate than most of the dads on here and so surely that is something that worries you a lot.

Can I ask why you’re not married?
And when are you planning to return to work?

But if you, personally, don't pay enough NÍ, you don't get the full state pension?? What you pay in, you get out, as it were. (Oh, and who
ever knew there wasn't an account named MyrtlethePurpleTurtle) 🙄 )

Actually what brings happiness is human contact, love and support. Even if you have to work hard day to day.

Mountains of cheap tacky trash produced by slave labor in foreign countries that most people here equate with material wealth do not bring happiness. Neither does enrolling your only child in 5 meaningless 30 minute long "activities" because you cannot deal with it on your own.

The difference is that you aren’t married - why not marry first and then you can have as many babies and be a SAHM as long as you like whilst knowing you have protection should your relationship not work out

Too many people on this planet. Four is more than enough.

Before you jump into the decision, have you REALLY considered just what 4 teenage boys will cost. I have 2 teens and 1 tween (plus a younger child) and even just our food bill is so much more than it was when they were all 8 and under (even with taking cost of living increases out of the equation). I would make sure you are very financially comfortable before stretching to a 5th child, and that you will still be comfortable if costs double and then some. Aside from food, things like braces, driving lessons, school expenses, activities, clothes/shoes etc start to add up quickly. I really wouldn’t compromise the quality of life for your older 4, just so you can have another baby. You already have 4 kids, enjoy them and be in the moment, not thinking about the next one!!

But they will still get their pension whether or not they move to Spain. What business is it of yours how, or where, they spend it?

Listen, it would do you a world of good to spend half an hour researching how UK pension system works and what triple lock means.
It will shake your personal world - because you will realise your chances to actually get YOUR pension is not set in stone.

I don't want to fund their pension if no one funds mine,
If the next generation of young people is not bigger than ours we will not get to retire :)