To try for baby (boy) #5?

[TrueViper]

Im 28 and my partner is 27. We have 4 boys. 8, 6 (7 in Dec), 4 and 23 months. My last pregnancy was tough and we were firmly done after he was born

Then at the start of the year we talked and we were more leaning towards baby 5 over being done but we didnt want another winter baby if we could avoid it (obviously we wouldnt have been able to fully plan) and we agreed to talk about it later in the year. We homeschool and back in January was a real struggle with homeschooling the older 2, and keeping the baby entertained he was 16 months and it was HARD because he wanted to be into everything. Also we had bug after bug and it was just not a fun time.

I then had a pregnancy scare in February that seemed to make me feel we were done but maybe because of all the stress. But now the time has gone on and I want another baby, my older 2 are going to school which is their choice so they’re starting year 4 and year 2, part of me is anxious they’ll hate it (i had bad experiences in school) but i’m happy they’re willing to try, they’re sociable children and are part of a football club and recently did a summer sports camp and we were part of a homeschooling group where we met up once a week

If they’re going to school I feel I would be able to handle baby #5, especially as there’d be over a 2.5 year age gap if we got pregnant straight away.

It’s not any of the ridiculousness about us wanting a girl as we’d likely have another boy anyway (hence the title)

WWYD?

Just no, enjoy taking some time for yourself now! No job and unmarried, you need to protect yourself in the future too. Even a registry office costs. Get making a Pinterest board and look at some ideas. Think you need to be making forward moves!
Homeschooling sounds great if it's working. Keep it up and invest in some friendships with nice other parents and try and get some coffee/drinks/days out.
Get a kitten or puppy if you want that baby feeling.
Save up some money and go on holiday or do up a bit of your house.
Move past it for the sake of your own mental,emotional health and your children's financial futures.
4 is a big family! Things are expensive now! Driving lessons, swimming lessons, Xmas presents etc!

In what way would the experience of not having had much adulthood, knowing who you are and therefore leaning towards the familiar be so different now to 40 years ago?

She inherited a house and her husband is a firefighter. I started having kids at 16 and I’m not on benefits or onlyfans or whatever you are implying. Maybe read the thread before making assumptions

I am only one of two and we still never got any of that paid for by parents as an adult and our parents were very financially comfortable.
Driving lessons, tests and license?

Perhaps it is not. Perhaps you might like to ask your mother (if she is living) her reasons for planning each of her children and her reasons for stopping after five. As I had no idea of her existence until you became offended on her behalf I really can't contribute anything further. Have a good afternoon.

I would stop. But really that's because I think the planet is on fire and all the wealthy nations have got a major problem looming - immigration, the economy etc etc.. Couldn't face bringing another child into this mess

I have … still doesn’t add up.

You cut your coat to suit your cloth

Is that the saying? 🤔

This reminds me of a time I was pregnant about 12 years ago and I read on here, in answer to an OP’s question, that kids only get more expensive as they age.

I can confirm, now the owner of a teenager, this is not wrong!

It’s a choice only you can make. I’m one of 10. I don’t have many negative things to say about being from such a large family, I love it. But equally I absolutely do not want to have more than 2 children and I can’t get my head around why anyone would have more than 3. But that’s me personally. Your post doesn’t really sound like you want to have another but your replies are showing that you do, so it’s up to you. I’d just ask yourself the question when will enough be enough? You thought you were done at 4. Is there a chance you can have a 5th and then what a 6th? Some women just never feel done.

Yes all our kids' friends have this paid for by their parents . It's an important life skill, therefore I see it as my job !
How would I expect a uni student to pay ?

Why. Do they live in darkness and light a fire to cook meals? Is there no council tax or other bills? Of course there are housing costs. Maybe not a mortgage but housing costs. And for a 5 bed house bloody large costs at that.

You are in a very vulnerable position even before considering a fifth child.

• Unmarried and so without any claim on the house you live in;
• No work experience or higher qualifications so no independent earning power;
• A partner who works in the most dangerous profession which exists in our society, to whom you are not married so wouldn’t receive full benefit of his pension in the event of a tragedy;
• No security if your relationship ends.

Are you planning to stay at home and not work forever? Your children will be severely financially disadvantaged in their teen years if you don’t work too - as everyone has said, teens and university students are very expensive.

Add in the fact that baby 5 could be disabled and you might not have the option of working and things start to look even worse.

If this tale is real, I think you both need to sit down and do some long-term planning and financial calculations and have a big think about how you’re going to fund your current children, before you even think about another. Nobody needs so many children. They are human people you need to successfully equip for adulthood, not cutesome babes who give you a reason not to work.

I would feel that if I had 4 healthy children then I would be pushing my
muck to get another healthy child.

In your opinion...

Five lots of teaching then to drive, reversing in and out of parking spaces forever and ever amen. Five weddings. A car that will take seven. Most people would say four is plenty. But it’s your decision.

Partner did inherit our house and the “what if you break up” comments are fair but can be said for nearly every post on MN. My partner is a good involved dad and partner and our relationship is great otherwise I wouldn't be with him nor considering this. When he's home he has the children and I go to the gym for an hour (and i do the same when he goes to the gym) or I spend time with a child 1:1 or my older 2/younger 2 and the others spend time with their dad. Our children are happy, they're part of a football club and DS2 has recently started doing junior park run on a sunday and eldest is also now interested.

We read to them and we listen to them read and are good readers for their ages so we do have time for them, we also spend time all together as a family.

We don’t smoke or drink which saves money, our youngest is in a cot bed which has been used by all the children just with a new mattress, because they’re all boys we have clothes with all sorts of ages in storage boxes that are almost brand new looking so we don’t have to buy many new clothes, just shoes so have saved that way and with other baby items like highchairs as we haven’t really re bought for the sake of it, we would be able to afford to but there’s no need

We could wait a year or so and see how our children get on at school first but neither of us want a huge age gap like I said in a pp

"Get a kitten or puppy if you want that baby feeling."

Vet chiming in to say- please don't. Only get a dog if you really want a dog. Get a cat if you want a cat. If you want a baby, for love of St Francis do not get a "furbaby."

If you want a baby, child, teenager, adult child and you've thought about it carefully and it's definitely right for you and you can do right by your existing children and the new human you might create, then go for it. If you can't, or it's not a good idea, then don't try to fill the baby-space with an individual of another sentient species please. Get a reborn doll or something if you must.

🤦🏽‍♀️ I’m 36 and expecting my first. Took a long time until I felt financially stable and emotionally ready!

Most everyone young and able-bodied will work when they want to eat and have roof over their heads.

I agree with this. I could have coped with 5 little ones but my goodness, the later teen years are hard - and my 3 DDs are really well behaved. It’s the emotional support that’s draining as well as the finances. Driving lessons, car insurance, uni rents being double the maintenance loan so you’re literally paying the cost of a second rental with the living costs (currently subsidising £850 per month per dc for context).

@BuddyForeigner

actually an easy life and material things DO bring happiness for a lot of us

No need to be married/'get married pronto' for death in service benefits. So long as partner has filled out nomination form naming OP, all is good. (Survivor pension rules may vary though, worth checking the rules)

Your eldest is 8. I'd argue that the hardest years (mentally, financially and in terms of space requirements) are still ahead of you.