Feeling awful about son's accident in the pool

[Lolarose999]

We're on holiday at the moment.. Me, DH, and DS3.

I've never panicked so much and the guilt is killing me.

I was sat in the baby pool with DS, who had a zip up life vest on.. we were playing catch, when I heard DH shout from the pool side bar asking me what side I wanted with my lunch. I turned my head to the side to shout over my response, so didnt leave the pool..This interaction was 10-15 seconds tops.

When i turned back around, DS was on his back, the vest had lifted his chest and legs upwards, but his head was under the water. From seeing and getting him out, I was maybe 2 arms lengths away, and had him up so quick.

I feel so awful, the guilt is eating away at me. He was absolutely hysterical. Hes been checked over by the life guard and also by the hotel doctor, and is thankfully fine. But its the image in my mind that's sticking with me, the fear. The thought of seeing him with such panic. I keep crying thinking how its all my fault, how scared he must have been.

Not an aibu, but just feel so incredibly guilty and hoping he forgets this happened, even if it sticks with me for a long time.

I don’t get the drama about this tbh, it was a few seconds and you were right there. But honestly, ditch the life vest and teach your 3yo to swim whilst you’re on holiday and can get in the pool every day. Also make sure they are comfortable with going under water, so that they don’t panic next time

I think he could certainly forget about it. Memories tend to stick from an older age; I have one memory of a special event age 3. Get him back in the pool quickly (with a safer suit!) and he will hopefully repair himself.

Don't feel guilty as my DS has had a life and death moment due to my distraction, and I know loads of other people who've experienced similar. We got lucky - take that blessing and forgive yourself x

Theres always one 🙄

Similar happened to me with dd3 this summer in Spain. What a horrible shock to get, especially when you are hearing weekly of children drowning. In my case my older dd was asking me to film her going down the slide. Whilst chatting to her I didn't notice dd going down the slide where the water got gradually deeper. I could see her struggling and just froze for a few seconds.
As I jumped into action a very kind man grabbed her. I was so grateful to him for being quicker than me. But I felt so bad & got such a fright. She was quite scared of the water for the rest of the holiday. I'm hoping she'll soon forget. But maybe a bit of fear is a good thing too..

Very helpful and informative post! Thank you. Now I get it.

The difference between a swim vest and a life jacket is this: a life jacket is certified to keep its wearer's head above water, and a swim vest is not.

Holidays are not cheap. It's about priorities.

As someone who asked on here for recommendations on swim vests only a couple of weeks ago. Would it be possible for the op to show which one their child was wearing?

I'm due to go on holiday soon and I'm a non swimmer, so baby pool for me and little one. However although I won't let go for a minute, I would feel better if there was some kind of buoyancy aid?

If vests are so bad, what is considered safe? This would help the op too.

Swimming lessons are not an option for us currently.

She hasn’t said it’s about money, it’s a scheduling clash between the only swim lessons she could find and her DDs dance class

Yeh my sisters and I could
but we lived abroad in ex pat communities where this was quite normal

@Lolarose999 let's switch that feeling of yours on its head.

The feeling of panic and "being a bad mum" you're experiencing is not a negative one. It's the kind of feeling that has saved children's lives for generations. It's a feeling you have inherited in your genes, and that comes out of the pure love and protectiveness you have towards your child.

Instead of trying NOT to fel it, embrace it. Every time you see those horrible images in your head and the shame fills your chest, tell yourself: "This is normal. I love my son so much, that feeling like this is normal. This feling is teaching me to protect my child, and thanks to this feeling I will never, ever leave him out of my sight in water until he is a confident swimmer. This feeling has saved my child's life".

Your brain is bringing those images and the fear to you because they are important. Listen to them. Give your brain permission to make you feel like that way for a short time. In fact, tell your brain "Ok brain, I know you're sending me a message, I will let you fill me with dread, but only for 10 minutes". And then let you feel whatever the brain wants you to feel, think about whatever your brain wants to think, no matter how horrible. You will actually notice that, as soon as you allow yourself to receive the message, soon your brain will start to actually look for other, less intense things to focus on.

Your son is alive, you pulled him out of the water. And there won't be a next time, because your mum instincts are working just as they should and you'll be hypervigilant. The message from your brain is doing its job. Deep breath. He will be fine :)

Step one, teach them to blow bubbles, two, get them to put their face in water. Three, kicking. Four, kicking with a paddle board. Five, kicking while paddling their arms. Somewhere during that, teach them to float, on their backs.

I have pictures, including one of baby me going thru a hula hoop underwater. The legs of other parents are visible in the picture. Yes, they ABSOLUTELY had swimming classes for babies in the 80s, and still do.

I mean, yes to most of those by the age of 9. Where I grew up, we were surrounded by lakes, rivers, and we had a school pool we would visit during the school day. We got lessons on first aid, water safety, and how to rescue someone from drowning (and what to do after). I didn't drive until 15 (unless you count riding lawn mowers)...but I did have a boaters license by the age of 13, and could legally drive any boat with a motor.

Buoyancy aids are designed to help kids swim, that also means they can be on their front.

The Buoyancy vest did what it was meant to. Every child Buoyancy aid will tell you to only use under supervision.
I'm not a fan of rubber rings or arm bands, neither are any good for learning to swim and arm bands are so uncomfortable.

The only thing truly safe is your arms.

Oh, OP! Don't beat yourself up - it can happen to all parents. We make decisions that we think & hope are the right ones all the time.
My 8yo DS can swim, but not well, so he wears arm bands as he loves jumping in to the pool and I'm not always able to grab him quickly as I'm not a strong swimmer. (My late DH encouraged DS's love of jumping in and he was a far better swimmer than I am so I didn't see the harm - he was also a good ft taller than me!) Anyway, on holiday last week, DS launched himself into the pool with his arms in the air and the armbands shot off! I have never seen my Dad move so fast as when he went to rescue DS! Needless to say, DS has been told to keep his arms down when he jumps and at least give us a warning that he's gonna be jumping in the pool!

The difference between a swim vest and a life jacket is this: a life jacket is certified to keep its wearer's head above water, and a swim vest is not.

See below from a very helpful post from PleaseDon'tAsk
PleaseDontAsk · Yesterday 19:45

What happened to good old fashioned arm bands or a swim ring.
Those jackets aren't life jackets by the way - they are merely buoyancy aids.
A true life jacket has a collar around the neck, and it will always float you on your back with your head out of the water even if you are unconscious. That's the definition of a life jacket.It will keep you alive with your face out of the water even if you are unconscious.
Those toddler vests are just a false sense of security without actually being particularly safe.
Don't get me started about people putting them on dogs who can actually swim better than humans

OP try and remember that you put multiple things in place to keep DC safe and IT WORKED. Yes you looked around for a few seconds, yes, the life vest was not the best preserver you could have wanted, but you were in the water with him one-on-one, you didn't leave him to go speak with DH or anything, so when all the other things failed, your physical presence meant that you were where he needed you and you could act before any harm was done.

Life isn't about being perfect.

Is your 8yo not over the weight for the arm bands?
Get him to keep practicing his swimming, without them, it's the only way he'll become a stronger swimmer.

Sooner or later he's not going to want to be the big kid at the pool with arm bands.
Sorry to read about your husband, can't be easy x