Feeling awful about son's accident in the pool

[Lolarose999]

We're on holiday at the moment.. Me, DH, and DS3.

I've never panicked so much and the guilt is killing me.

I was sat in the baby pool with DS, who had a zip up life vest on.. we were playing catch, when I heard DH shout from the pool side bar asking me what side I wanted with my lunch. I turned my head to the side to shout over my response, so didnt leave the pool..This interaction was 10-15 seconds tops.

When i turned back around, DS was on his back, the vest had lifted his chest and legs upwards, but his head was under the water. From seeing and getting him out, I was maybe 2 arms lengths away, and had him up so quick.

I feel so awful, the guilt is eating away at me. He was absolutely hysterical. Hes been checked over by the life guard and also by the hotel doctor, and is thankfully fine. But its the image in my mind that's sticking with me, the fear. The thought of seeing him with such panic. I keep crying thinking how its all my fault, how scared he must have been.

Not an aibu, but just feel so incredibly guilty and hoping he forgets this happened, even if it sticks with me for a long time.

I started swimming lessons at 6months, and this was back in the 80s. My grandmother had a cottage on a lake, so I grew up swimming before I could walk. That's what good parents do, if their child is growing up on the water.

Many do. Especially if you leave anywhere close to water, or plan to go to pools regularly. Its just sensible from a safety point of view.

You can't teach your child to swim?

@Lolarose999 if it's any consolation, my parents found me face down in our pond at home when I was about 3. No-one knows how long i'd been there & it certainly wasn't intentional, apparently the back door had a wire wrapped around it that should have stopped me getting out. I'm now 46 and have never had any issues with water or swimming, but agree lessons and in particular learning to float would be a good next step to help you move on from this scary but thankfully not harmful experience xx

Did you also learn to drive a car in case of adult collapse, perform the Heinrich maneuver and perform self applied tourniquets to open wounds in case of accident, good grief the child is 3 give the op a break

Something similar happened to my daughter when she was just under 3. My husband and I have never forgotten it. If the conversation that distracted us from her getting into the water had lasted much longer she would have drowned.

What I wanted to tell you OP is that whilst we haven't forgotten it, my daughter has no memory of it. She didn't start swimming lessons until she was 3 and it took her a while to learn, but she's a good swimmer now (9) and enjoys it. Try to frame the incident today as the reason why you'll always be extra careful in future, which means your kids are now even safer than they were before. x

Ignore the people sticking a knife in trying to make you feel bad for not taking him swimming lessons and the people making you feel bad for taking your eyes off him.

Yes we shouldnt take eyes off children in the water and its a stark reminder but can we all say that we have 100% never took our eyes off our child, especially if you have multiple ect. Take it as a lesson learnt and thank God you was so close to him and being so attentive some parents leave their children in water and are on sundowners. Realistically from what you have described he was under the water for seconds.

Also swim lessons sounds like they would help you all to feel comfortable around water but if a time doesn't suit maybe you could take him on the weekend to the pool, to build up confidence and flotation skills ( even though I'm not sure they would have helped with that swim vest working against him). I only use swim vests if my kids are in water they can't stand up in, as they wouldn't do much to help anyway and with the bottom strap.

Nons of us made it out of childhood without some "turbulence" and its what makes us who we are, he will develop a respect for water. Keep going you got this 💖

It was more the claim that the poster’s dc have been in formal swimming lessons since the poster stopped bleeding after childbirth that made me go 🙄

And really? I bet there weren’t swimming lessons for babies in the 80s!

And the OO’s not bringing her dc up in the water; she was on holiday and she is supervising them.

This!

You were right next to him and it was ok. You are not a terrible parent at all. You've had a real scare but please try to enjoy the rest of your holiday (and bin the life vest).

I pulled a 10 year old girl up from the bottom of a swimming pool in Greece last year. Parents nowhere near the pool. Turned out she'd had an epileptic fit going down the slide. It was fucking horrendous but she survived. (I had nightmares for weeks because I really thought I was too late). And she was a bloody good swimmer- I'd watched her all day! Try not to listen to the "3 year olds should be able to swim" brigade- insanity 🤣)

A child does not drown in 10-15 seconds, stop scaremongering. Op has not done anything wrong but has also learnt never to turn your back even for a second. Her child will be fine. She was literally with him. He was always going to be fine.

Some children grow up in concrete jungles, the nearest lake is a river filled with rubbish. Not every child has the opportunity to learn how to swim. If you lived on a lake then that’s different.
Children from the city, disadvantaged area, no lakes, first experience of swimming is in school. Not enough lessons to learn.
I would bet that it is close to 80% of children in these areas.

You need to think about when you realised he was ok and focus on that and let your body feel that he is ok. Sounds awful, please be kind to yourself

Parent baby and preschool swim teacher here. We occasionally get 2 year old that can swim a little, but the 3 year olds vary so much depending on personality and confidence. 3 years old is really the age they start to learn independently. Before that it's getting them confident to put their face. Usually the kids who go consistently from babies can put their eyes in and are happy to go under but by no means all of them, some hate getting their hair or face wet and it takes perseverance and lots of time in the pool not only in lessons but in public sessions too.
SO it is really not true that a 3 year old should be swimming. They are 95% of the time just starting to learn .

OP I was responsible for an accident that injured my toddler requiring surgery, years ago. It’s the absolute worst feeling. I beat myself up about it for quite a while. But also as someone who lives in a warm climate with backyard pools common, this sort of incident is super common and, while a heart starter for you, all is well. Your DS will never remember it. Apart from the life vest which you’ve learned the lesson of, you did the right thing. You were there, you were close enough to get to him quickly. He’s fine. Be kind to yourself.

PP above is right - you were there, DD is fine, it’s the what ifs that keep us awake at night. Vest is ditched, lessons are booked. Ours had council run lessons for years before they learned to swim, it drove me mad and skint but they eventually got it.
Although the DCs could swim, I used to hang about in the pool while they played with new pals on holiday and aged about 7 had to rescue DD. A kid in a rubber ring was bouncing off pool floor and the ring was hitting DD on the head- great game until they both went deeper as the pool sloped- DD couldn’t get air as the ring game continued. Only I noticed, pool was crowded, the 8m or so I had to swim to lift her up seemed like miles. She got her breath back and spent the rest of the day on the sunbed, and there was a tantrum about going to the pool the next day- she was scared, we got there and she later went on to do swim squad training.
We were vigilant OP and that makes all the difference, be kind to yourself

Really don't understand why lifeguard courses are a thing for 8 year olds. Ive talked with several parents who keep gloating in this strange way that their child has completed a lifeguard course at this age and then two seconds later they're talking about how they don't understand why their child seems to be showing signs of anxiety or depression. 8 is too young to put such extreme first aid techniques on to. Of course you need to teach them the basics but and 8 year old is just not old enough to process how to do CPR on a bloody baby. I did it at 17 and trust me It's disturbing enough as an adult.

Nope, I'm a reasonable swimmer by myself but I have no clue how to teach DD how to swim. She is also one of these children that if I or DH explain something "I'm doing that"...we have eyes, she isn't. She needs an external person to teach her technique, for our sanity as well.

Our local pools have zero spaces if you didn't go on the waiting list 3 years before you gave birth.

I couldn’t get mine into classes because the waiting lists in my area were so long, so I got a swim membership at a leisure centre which actually worked out cheaper than lessons would have been and for more hours in the pool and I just did it myself. I looked up videos of swimming lessons on YouTube and then just played it by ear.

FWIW, my eldest stepped into the pool right next to me unexpectedly when I was helping my DH with the youngest’s floaty ring thing when. She just didn’t wait for me to say I was ready for her to get in, so just went all the way under the water. I was right there so just got her out immediately but she was distraught and tbh so was I! She was fine after an hour or so. Don’t worry too much about it.

He won’t remember it in time. He may need some work to build his confidence in the water That he was hysterical shows it was a short period underwater - as confirmed by the checks he was fine. I witnessed a child drowning on front of the parents who had not noticed he was drowning in the pool - the lifeguard jumped in and pulled him up and out. Point is that it can happen so quickly and downing is silent but that it can happen easily to the best of us. So please don’t beat yourself up. You were on it within seconds. You placed faith on a safety vest and that incident probably needs reporting to the manufacturers. In time you will recover from the shock. Accidents happen all during a child’s life. There have been different incidents that scared the c**p out of me too with my child. I will leave you with a final thought … in baby swimming classes we used to dunk the child under water (my son hated it). He would be very upset after. We did it each class. This was supervised dunking. Initially whilst being held. But eventually you dunk them then let go. He found it scary and hated it. This was all building up to the underwater photo. I didn’t buy it as my child looked terrified. I stopped going. I felt so guilty for putting my baby through repeated underwater dunkings marketed as swimming lessons. I still do. Your son had one inadvertent dunking. So please don’t beat yourself up. You were there within seconds and he wasn’t unsupervised. He will be ok and you will be ok x

I mean mine has just started swimming lessons at age 6 so no not all children are not having lessons from birth!

Be kind to yourself, he is ok.
You will remember this but he probably won’t.

I nearly drowned at that age, my dad still brings this up many, many years later but I have no memory of this. However my parents taught me how to swim after this incident as we had no swimming teachers. If you cannot find a teacher then you could try teaching him too. Better to do it soon rather than wait for a swimming slot to become available.
Enjoy the rest of the holiday and good luck with your DD’s dancing.

How old is he?

At three, he probably won’t remember it, but I don’t think you’ll ever forget it.

Maybe read the OP’s posts. It’s only polite.