To leave holiday early even if it will upset my dd?

[ChiefArk]

I have 3 children - DD25 DS18 DS15. Currently away with DD and my 8 month old granddaughter and her partner. the boys are staying with their dad as neither wanted to go

DS18 has T1D which he hates but he's used to it and he usually is responsible but I will admit he was 13 when he was diagnosed and a lot of my time has gone on him and worry tbh, I don't worry about my other 2 as much as they don't give me any reason to worry!!
He doesn't talk about his feelings ever and he ended up failing his A levels which wasn't a huge shock as his attendance was poor

He's been quiet but he when he left to go to his dad's he seemed fine. I had a message from my youngest saying that ds1 had been taken to hospital because he'd messed his blood sugar levels up by eating loads of sweets and he did it over a girl. I messaged their dad because that was a 15 year olds account of things and he pretty much confirmed it and said he's handling it but when I asked if someone from the mental health team is going to talk to him he said no because DS doesn't need it but I think he does if he's done that over a girl.

His dad was quite angry he failed his A levels so i imagine he wouldve been on at him since he went there.

We landed Saturday night so we’re only 2 days in but im worrying about DS and want to go home but DD is furious, she usually gets on with him but she said he always tries to steal the attention like this and said if I leave it proves i care more about him and not her or her other brother or my granddaughter which isnt true. I don’t know how ill enjoy myself though for the next week especially whilst hes still in hospital as his dad said he had DKA and still is quite unwell but arguing with him about wanting him and everyone to leave him alone. I dont know who “everyone” is hes only been staying with his dad and brother

I feel stuck between my 2 children

I am so shocked by this thread, am I missing something? It seems like the overwhelming majority would quite happily ignore their 18 year old attempting to take their own life and dismiss it as manipulative. We have no evidence that he has a long history of this, how do we know the older daughter isn’t being manipulative. I would be curious about an adult caring so little for their younger sibling, why is their word taken as the objective truth here? But I also wouldn’t vilify her with such scant information.

There is no way I would stay on holiday with one of my kids seriously ill in hospital, it’s just completely unthinkable. A cry for help isn’t manipulation, it’s desperation.

I often find myself baffled by the responses on Mumsnet and wonder if my values are wrong, but I’m just horrified by this thread.

It must be a massive worry op but he’s in the hospital, there’s no safer place for him and if/when he’s out before you’re back I’m sure his dad will be on top of him looking after him. He’s an adult
now and needs to learn to deal with this stuff, you can’t be there mummying an adult forever.

I just don't know how ill enjoy my holiday now knowing ds is in hospital even if he is with his dad

he is with a capable adult, there wouldn't be anymore you could actually do that wont wait until next week. So for your dads sake keep talk of your ds under wraps and look like you're enjoying the holiday

Stay. You saying he's the only one you worry about speaks volumes. You could say I have no need to worry about my eldest, done amazing in education, perfect health, never been in trouble other than minor words about the state of his bedroom. I do worry for him, I know that he has had to come second to his siblings in situations were they've needed me more as they're SEN and I know those kind of children often be the well behaved child they need to be but often suffer in silence. I think you need to prioritise your DD here.

I vote stay.
You can't do anything really. He's getting treatment and he has his father with him. Enjoy this time with your daughter and granddaughter as best you can.
As the sister of an unwell younger siblings who always seemed to have something whenever mum spent any time with me at all, I can tell you that even if it doesn't damage your relationship with your daughter, if you go home now it will definitely damage their relationship.

No, it's not his own fault that eating SWEETS caused a serious medical emergency where he could have died!

If you're feeling low and you reach for the chocolate or the cookie tin, would that put you in a life threatening medical emergency?

No?

STFU then.

Eating sweets doesn't cause a medical emergency in people without T1D.

This adult knows eating sweets could kill him and still he did it. That makes it deliberate.

STFU YOURSELF THEN.

Maybe there’s a whole load of stuff going on in his head, maybe he also knows he could have prevented DKA this time and he knows the strain it’s created. Maybe that’s why he can’t face talking to his mum, he will be faced with a second angry/worried/stressed parent. He might feel ashamed at how he has handled this.
everyone is so quick to paint a picture of a horrible selfish boy manipulating his whole family.
I don’t think the OP came here for everyone to slate her and her son and how her family live. What is wrong with people?

He binged on sweets, that doesn't mean he tried to take his own life. Him not having a MH assessment strongly suggests that it wasn't an attempt to take his life. At 18, I'm sure he could figure out a more effective way to take his life if that was his aim. It sounds more like impulsive indulgence when he was feeling a bit low.

DD was an adult away at uni when DS was diagnosed but I didn't ignore her, I was able to focus on ds learning his insulin and supporting him whilst answering dds calls and texts (she didn't really visit in the first few months as it was during covid) and parenting my youngest.

I don't believe he drank too much after granddaughter was born for attention, he was trying to celebrate his birthday just like any other 18 year old would. I doubt he's done it for my attention this time too as he had the opportunity to come on holiday as did my youngest and neither of them wanted to come, they've been away with their dad already so neither fancied it.

I babysit regularly and the reason I was asked to come on this holiday was to babysit one if the nights.

I am worried about his mental health and in case he does similar again if he is suicidal, his dad is working so he'll be on his own and his dad doesn't seem to be concerned and has dismissed me mentioning asking the mental health team to talk to him

Ex isn't currently with him and he doesn't have his phone either, ex said it's in his room

if it is deliberate then it’s a bigger problem than just being unwell and getting DKA!
it means that he has mental health issues and is using diabetes as a form of self harm, it’s been asked already a few times but would people be a bit more sympathetic if he had deliberately cut him self or overdosed?

Yes he's put himself in a very dangerous position. It's a difficult thing for a teenager to deal with. But those who are berating posters for not understanding T1 and calling the DD spoilt and selfish could also do with taking in the posts from siblings of a child who needs/needed a lot of attention. Recognising that whatever happens you will come second. Knowing that even if your mum does make 1-1 time with you her attention isn't fully on you, that there is always something else in the back of her mind.

Maybe this tough love the world goes on approach from dad will be the wake up call for him to actually manage his medical condition.

There will be plenty of times in his life where he will be alone without someone to spot him turning funny and he needs to learn to not put himself in those situations with his choices.

Can you call the ward he is on and get a clearer picture of what is happening and what his state of mind is before deciding

OP, I know he is 18 but I would ring and speak to the medics yourself if you can. I'm not sure how it works but does he have a regular diabetic team that he sees, that know him a bit more personally than the general hospital?
It is worth reaching out to them and letting them know what has happened and also about his mental health etc.
It may give you a piece of mind that they have a fuller picture of things.
I get that DD is seeing it as he's done it for attention but if it was an attempt of his own life then that does change things massively.

Ring and ask to speak to the consultant that is treating him and ask your ex to video call you while he is with him, then make your assessment about whether you need to return.

How have you jumped to the conclusion of attempted suicide

I agree with you. There have been some awful responses.

Well being in DKA is life threatening
If hes deleberitley put himself into DKA 8 would ssy that could be considered a suicide atrempt.

I knew someone with T1D who did take their life in exactly this way. Lots of sweets, no insulin, locked all the doors…

It's more than just eating sweets though, if he's in DKA. My daughter was diagnosed T1D in severe DKA. She was in intensive care. She has significant MH issues as a result, and there are times when she isn't as consistent in her management as she should be, and there are times when she needs my attention and support, even as a young adult.

I agree too. Mumsnet is a cesspit.

Ditto.

The DD is 25 and has her own child yet posters think the op should be pandering to her rather than an 18 year old with type 1 diabetes. Bonkers.

He is 18. He is in a hospital. His dad is around. You could rush in and try and be the saviour but really, he is looked after, needs to take responsibility as an adult. You going home early to fuss over him - what's that actually going to change? It is to save your feelings and it's going to rightly piss off your DD.