To leave holiday early even if it will upset my dd?

[ChiefArk]

I have 3 children - DD25 DS18 DS15. Currently away with DD and my 8 month old granddaughter and her partner. the boys are staying with their dad as neither wanted to go

DS18 has T1D which he hates but he's used to it and he usually is responsible but I will admit he was 13 when he was diagnosed and a lot of my time has gone on him and worry tbh, I don't worry about my other 2 as much as they don't give me any reason to worry!!
He doesn't talk about his feelings ever and he ended up failing his A levels which wasn't a huge shock as his attendance was poor

He's been quiet but he when he left to go to his dad's he seemed fine. I had a message from my youngest saying that ds1 had been taken to hospital because he'd messed his blood sugar levels up by eating loads of sweets and he did it over a girl. I messaged their dad because that was a 15 year olds account of things and he pretty much confirmed it and said he's handling it but when I asked if someone from the mental health team is going to talk to him he said no because DS doesn't need it but I think he does if he's done that over a girl.

His dad was quite angry he failed his A levels so i imagine he wouldve been on at him since he went there.

We landed Saturday night so we’re only 2 days in but im worrying about DS and want to go home but DD is furious, she usually gets on with him but she said he always tries to steal the attention like this and said if I leave it proves i care more about him and not her or her other brother or my granddaughter which isnt true. I don’t know how ill enjoy myself though for the next week especially whilst hes still in hospital as his dad said he had DKA and still is quite unwell but arguing with him about wanting him and everyone to leave him alone. I dont know who “everyone” is hes only been staying with his dad and brother

I feel stuck between my 2 children

A cry for help is literally attention-seeking, though. You can’t cry for help without requiring people to pay attention to you! A family member of mine has suffered from anorexia for decades, requiring numerous emergency hospitalisations because her organs are shutting down. These hospitalisations often happen around family events (that she’s been invited to but is not attending). The most recent two have taken place when her favourite brother and his (extremely thin, possibly also eating-disordered) girlfriend, with whom he’s besotted, were visiting from the US. There is no doubt she’s actually in danger, but also that she’s weaponising her condition. Which means that the people around her need to decide how to respond.

Sounds more like he has manipulated his T1D to make himself the centre of attention. OP should stay. DD sounds to be right, not a good investment in relationships to prove it to her.

OP. Perhaps you can speak to the hospital and ask for a MH team to talk to him. And also ask your son if he wants you to come home, or if he’s happy for you to stay.
I’d be worried sick about him too, and every part of me would want to be there incase he took a turn or did it again, but I see it from your daughters POV too. It’s very difficult for you, but I’d try and manage it by letting your son lead. I think he will likely tell you he’s OK though, and to stay, but at least you’ve reassured him you were willing to come to him during a moment where was vulnerable.

I think it’s important to remember also, he may be an adult at 18, but that’s still quite young (maturity wise, especially as a male) your daughter is much older and has her partner with her, she’s a mother, she’s more mature. She has it together a bit more.
When I look at it as a very black and white “who needs their mom the most, right now, in either situation. A holiday or hospital admission?”
it becomes obviously apparent to me that she’s not the one in a hospital bed after self harming over the opposite sex. She is instead on holiday, with the security and safety of her own little family bubble.

I think this is the bigger issue.
He is using poor management of diabetes to potentially control others.
This is what needs to be tackled and the consequences explained to him.
Why it might be a cry for help, he cannot do this whenever something doesn't go his way (jealousy of a new baby, poor exam results, relationship issues). I think OP is right that a push for mental health support is required but this does not need her to go home.
However it sounds like last time the seriousness of him not medicating properly was ignored, so not sure how responsive he is at listening to advice which could sadly result in him making this mistake again with devastating consequences.

After watching now exh abuse his body, never counting carbs for 40 years and accompanying him to hospital on at least twice or three times as many hospital admissions I think I know what I am talking about

Whilst there might be other reasons that someone ends up in hospital with DKA this 18 year old has most likely ended up there for the 2nd time because he wasn’t monitoring his carb intake and just not controlling his diabetes.
Chugging down alcohol and sweets will do that

How trustworthy is his dad? Would he respond to a frank conversation that you are worried your son could do something that could potentially kill him? Will he be in hospital for the duration of your trip or be allowed ho
e?

If you have form for prioritising your son, I would only leave if you are genuinely concerned your son might do something stupid (and since he's already ended up in hospital, that wouldn't be far from my mind). But this is likely to damage your relationship with your daughter so if he is going to remain in hospital and/or his dad can be trusted to keep him safe, I'd try to stay.

DKA is NOT always self inflicted! Insulin pumps can occlude/fail whatever. Blood glucose sensors can fail.
it is also not something that necessarily takes a long time to build up to. It can happen over night and the person wake up very poorly.
many diabetics now eat whatever they want to and carb count, give insulin as required.
ALL food with carbs in affect blood sugar, not just something that looks like a treat eg chocolate bar. There is constant ‘behind the scenes’ work going on in the mind of a type 1 diabetic. It’s exhausting for them.
Even a ‘perfect’ diabetic will experience highs and lows. They are missing an organ.

At 18 there is nothing either parent can do really let’s face it.

Ops son can deny them any of his medical info or to visit him if he wants. If he doesn’t want to talk about it he won’t and he isn’t a child where Op or dad can demand the info.

I think its important you stay and that you allow your son to find young adult ways to manage his life.

You will be setting an awful pattern if you go running.

At 18 at University young people are often ill outside family life alone for the first time, they experience heartbreak. If coddled they don't learn how to cope.

Are his friends rallying round him?

It’s not as simple as ‘being fitted with an automatic insulin pump’ 😂 if it were there would be no issue
pumps are activated and managed by the wearer. The machine does not make decisions for itself. and I can tell you with 100% certainty that this boy will have had many a doctor tell him about the importance of managing his condition.y ex husband was also a T1D and had a rough ride. I know it’s frustrating but unless you are in their shoes you can’t relate. My daughter has also been T1 since the age of 5 and it’s been easier for me to live it and appreciate and understand the difficulties of it through her.

Jesus - do you know what DKA is ?

Even if it meant wrecking the relationship with another child of yours?

I’ve answered this already if you read the full thread.

Why would I? I've read all the OpS osts

And that’s the fault of the one with the health condition is it ? Or the fault of the parents who have the responsibility for it ?

Can you FaceTime with your son on a regular basis rather than stopping your holiday? He has his dad there and is under medical care - he needs to know you care and love him but your presence won’t make any practical difference. Love and care can be accomplished online…

I would be on the 1st plane home if this was my T1D DS.

The OP's DS has had a life threatening medical emergency and is in hospital. 'Self inflicted' (which is even more worrying) or not. I would be there ASAP as his mother. Even if he didn't want me there, I would know I was there instead of enjoying myself on holiday, although I wouldn't enjoy it anyway and I'd be more stressed out being far away.

The DD is away with her partner and child - is she pissed off because she wants you to have the baby so they can have some time alone OP?

She is well old enough to understand that a sibling with a life threatening chronic medical condition is going to get more focus and attention and she needs to get over it!

My older DC have pulled this on me and they understand now that being lucky enough not to have to live with this absolutely shit condition is not something they need to be jealous of!

My DS was diagnosed at 12 and is now 16. It's only over the last year that the MH effects have hit him. He was very stoic and an absolute trooper before that. The continual being on alert and mental toll is just horrific. Bad enough for parents, let alone the kids. There is most definitely not the MH support available that these kids should be entitled to.

Go home OP so he knows you are there for him, and you do too.

Stay. He’s attention seeking.

@FairKoala of course alcohol and sweets without insulin can do that but just because that’s what your ex did doesn’t mean it’s the only reason which you implied. My son’s type 1 is extremely well managed but DKA is always a risk should he get a tummy bug, his pump fails, have an accident. Type 1 is highly complex and you completely minimised the seriousness of DKA because your ex didn’t manage it. You can manage type 1 well and still go into DKA so no you don’t know what you are talking about.

But you’re not challenging the OP, you’re challenging this poster.

DKA is life threatening. And the attention seeking is a cry for help.

Yes actually it is entirely his fault. He’s done it before and he’ll do it again. Imagine if the post was about a partner who did this?

Why would it wreck the relationship with another child ? DD is old enough to appreciate that her brother has a serious, chronic and potentially life threatening condition. And old enough to realise that that warrants extra vigilance by their parents - if she’s reading it as being a signal that she’s less of a priority or that her parents somehow love her brother more, then she needs to grow up. I simply don’t understand the general MN mindset that if one child has a disability, the other is entitled to be envious of the demands that places on the parents.

I'm with the others who say to stay with your DD. Concentrate on her and your GD now - your DS is in hospital with his dad around. There's not a lot you can do care-wise. I'd imagine he will need you more when you're back and he's out of hospital.
Call him regularly, maybe he will find it easier to talk to you if you're not actually there in person.

Oh please.

If the DS was diagnosed at 13, that was 5 years ago when the DD was 20 if she's 25 now. Already an adult herself.

So his diagnosis didn't affect her getting less attention while she was growing up and as an adult she should have well been able to understand the seriousness of T1D and in fact help out herself to take some of the load from her parents. My adult DCs have DS's glucose readings on their phones and even ring me from holidays if they see he's gone low!

We see keeping an eye on him as a group effort as we know how hard it is to cope with.