Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

[wedding27]

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

I think you did really well to ask her about it but if you and most of the rest of your group has not been invited then I think she does not consider you (apart from the one who has been invited) to be "very close friends". It's awkward for you because you clearly do consider the group to be close and presumably would naturally invite them to your wedding. I would just continue to do that including this woman but she has been incredibly cheeky to assume you will do that! Is she usually a bit entitled?

It may be that she has prioritised family over friends or has a lot of family friends/cousins to accommodate but I think she would have explained the situation if that is the case but I also wouldn't rule that out as a reason. I suspect she doesn't see your group as you do and that's Okay but maybe just adjust your effort/what you tell her accordingly.

The reason I wouldn't do just an evening invite for her alone is that the tension it will create for you probably isn't worth it. If you're anything like most people quite a few friends in your wedding photos won't be close to you in thirty years time - just enjoy the day. I am intrigued how the rest of the group see this situation?

This!
A friend I have known since we were 4 got married recently. Literally in my area - she lives else where. I wasn't invited, not did I expect to be.

I would invite her to the evening but your other friends to the whole thing. It would probably cause a fallout but I think she is being an entitled CF. Not sure what I’d do about the hen do, probably invite her tbh to avoid WW3 before your wedding.

I think you need to stop thinking about this as YOU, and think of yourself as part a collective group of friends, it will make you feel less victimised.

She has invited one woman out of the group of friends to the hen do and to the daytime, all the rest of you are only invited to the evening, I think that is actually the fairest way to do it.. she may have liked some of you there, but she probably didn't want all of you on the hen do, especially if she has other group of friends where the dynamic may not work as well as a large group.. she would either upset the ones singled out, or have to invite everyone just for the sake of being 'fair', well it's her wedding, she shouldn't have to include everyone to make it fair to them, at the detriment of the best dynamics / or her overall preference.. no one should, you haven't been singled out at all.

You were always going to invite the whole group of friends to all of your wedding, which is what your dyanmic / preference determines, so it is very different, why not just enjoy your wedding planning and what you prefer without worrying about what other people prefer for their wedding?

I can't understand why you would invite her to your hen do. Invite her to the wedding along with the rest of your group of friends but not to the hen do. She's not a close enough friend.

I've seen this before with another friend about 10 years ago.

We had been friends since school but she prioritised all the new 'flavour of the month' friends for day invites to her wedding, and me and another friend from school only had evening invitations. When we arrived she kept introducing us to everyone who had been there all day as 'her oldest friends' it was incredibly awkward!

Fastforward 8 years and she's fallen out of touch with almost all the friends who were at the wedding day, whereas we remain in regular contact.

This friend has done much the same. Prioritised who she currently goes to the pub with from work and uni.

The friend has prioritised work friends, which is her prerogative.

But to inveigle an invitation to OP’s whilst also being the type of the person who goes on about her whole wedding and hen to people who aren’t invited shows it’s this woman who is cynical and mean spirited.

It’s presumptuous and entitled to think the world revolves around you to this extent.

The main consideration for me is having people there that I want to be there, nothing more and nothing less. Its not about inviting whole friend groups if you are closer to a couple, and its not about excluding people because they didnt invite you to theirs. Maybe they have a huge extended family, and having your whole friend group, partners & kids was too much so they bumped everyone to evening in fairness, maybe they have prioritised other relationships or maybe they have closer friends. Putting aside all.of that - do you want them at yours or not, and if not are you prepared for the fallout.

Her expectations are irrelevant and can just be ignored.

invite her if you want to, don’t if you don’t

I think people prioritise 'shiny' new friends or people they are hoping to be long-term friends with, and take their old friends for granted because you are just always there for them. Not fair, and all the wrong priorities but must be one of the only explanations for treating old friends badly. Maybe you should tell her and at very least the others, that you feel hurt not to be invited and see what they say.

If you are not the only one out of the friendship group not invited to the hen/full wedding, I would stick with your initial decision to invite the whole friendship group to yours, If you are anything like me, you would only end up stressing in the run up to your wedding about whether it was the right thing to do or not. After both weddings the dynamic of the friendship group may change anyway, (the other girls in the group may feel the same as you do, but at least there won’t be any any ill feeling to have to deal with that could potentially spoil your big day)

Maybe she’s assuming you will be doing the same and inviting her as an evening guest too.

Many people don’t see an evening invite as an insult. I’m sure it’s just a MN thing.

The whole point of this post isn’t whether she has been invited or not - it’s the fact that she hasn’t been invited BUT expects an invite to hers. It’s giving CF and superiority vibes.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!

Because you are invited to her wedding, as an evening guest, you've told her about your wedding and she is excited about coming, she probably assumes she'd be an evening guest at yours too? Why are you so annoyed by her assumption, if you didn't want her to go you wouldn't have told her about it so openly.. so you have made it pretty obvious to her that she is invited in some capacity.

If she's working on the assumption that she and the wider group of friends are much more important to me than we are to her

She's not wrong, is she? You were intending to invite the whole group for the full wedding. So what stings is that you've realised that.

The hen is irrelevant - you've said it's a big expensive event, so I actually think it's better that she sticks to a smaller group than putting every possible evening guest on the spot. If it's abroad there are probably only so many spaces in the Airbnb etc anyway. Who wants to waste money on that?

You can't just invite her to the evening event without blowing up the friendship group. That's petty point scoring. Either the whole group or none - you can't exclude one single person.

Everyone else (except the hen do one) in your friend group will be well aware that you value them more than she does when both sets of invitations are received.

You'll look the bigger person AND have the people you want there to celebrate with you. Win-win

And what do you think would happen if OP - who presumably quite likes this woman in general and wants to preserve the friendship group - invites her to her whole wedding and hen do, while accepting the friend's invitation to the evening-only part of her wedding?

What would be the worst possible outcome in this scenario?

There could be any number of reasons why the friend is only inviting this group to the evening do. If OP wants to invite the whole group she should do that. Singling out one member is petty.

As for the hen do, I think it makes sense to only invite people who are going to the wedding. They’ll definitely go on and on about the wedding there and it will be super awkward for those not invited. I’ve been to hen dos like that and I felt uncomfortable discussing the wedding in front of people that I knew had not been invited.

There doesn't need to be a bad outcome for someone not to want to invite someone to their wedding without reciprocation.

Of course she can. It’s her wedding.

The friend has prioritised work friends and invited one girl from the group.

Similarly OP can prioritise those who invite her to their events.

For you to say the friend's motivation is fine but OP's wouldn't be, is your own opinion. I disagree with you though.

If there's no bad outcome, then why not arrange your wedding exactly how you want it, without worrying about how other people have arranged theirs?

Am I understanding this correctly?

Only one of the "close" group of friends is actually going on her hen do and to her wedding ceremony, so you aren;t the only one left out.

You assumed that you would be going to her hen do and wedding - why shouldn't she make the same assumption?

It's her business who she invites to her wedding and it's your business who you invite to yours.

I think after 20+ years your group of friends isn't as close as you think

If you want her there, invite her and if you don't then don't. Forget about her wedding, it's a different kettle of fish and you werent the only one of the group not invited to the day time, so it's not like she singled you out. I'm sure she had her reasons for her guest list and if you don't invite her, but invite the rest of the group it is going to make you look awful. I would probably re-think a friendship if a friend of mine did that purely to be petty.

Her wedding is her wedding and yours is yours. It's not tit for tat, unless your'e getting married at the age of 12.

Because many people want to celebrate their weddings with people who invited them to their wedding too. And that's fine.

Her wedding list list prioritises work colleagues, which is her prerogative. But it does remove the onus on OP to prioritise her.