Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

[wedding27]

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

Definitely do not invite her she hasn't invited you. End of.

In fairness she hasn't. It's only the one friend from the group who is attending both the wedding and hen do. So it could be worse!

It just still feels awkward though. Because she and the other woman will be going on and on about the hen do in the weeks leading up to it and after it. Because they're already so excited for it, it's so big budget etc. And this time next year it will just be like: " have a good time on your hen do! See you next month for mine..!"

As they are crass enough to talk about it in front of people who not invited, then I really wouldn’t invite either of them to your wedding or hen.

Why would you simply not match her invitation to evening only? sO NO hen do and no all day participation.

No need for the angst. I wouldn't give the fact you are inviting the others another thought.

I would be gobsmacked at her assumption though.

Just invite people you would imagine helping you celebrate your 25th wedding anniversary, regardless if they've invited you to their wedding or not

I don't see the problem here. You were invited to hers. An evening invite is still an invite.

I think the whole hinting your not invited stuff would have soured me on her in the first place and I’d have cooled the friendship already.
Anyone getting pleasure out of ranking their friends is a dick.

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@wedding27 do you know WHICH of the others is going to the hen party and wedding? Could you then perhaps speak to one of the other 4 to ask what they think?

If I was part of a group of 6 good friends and found out I wasn't invited to a hen party and wedding even though it was a big wedding (so numbers not an issue) then I'd be rather miffed.

It makes you start to think why one of the group is more important to this woman than the other four of you. And then if she doesn't consider you as much of a friend but you did, then you start to feel a bit silly.

But to not invite you to the main wedding then expect to be part of yours is odd.

You could perhaps invite her and stick her on the table with boring aunties and weird uncles at the back of the room?

If she says anything say you’ve had to prioritise your family.

Honestly I would just DM her and say: ‘just wanted clarify early, rather than let expectations build, that we are keeping the wedding small due to limited spaces and sadly it means that we won’t be sending you an invitation to the day. I know you understand as you’ve made similar decisions for your own wedding and hen do, both of which I am sure will be amazing. Xx’

All you need to do is ask yourself this question: do I want this woman to attend my wedding? There are only two answers available. If it's "yes" then send her an invitation. If it's "no" then don't.

She doesn’t really value your friendship group. And, it seems that even though she is closer to you than most of the others, she sees you as a peripheral friend. I think I it would make me reassess my friendship with her and I wouldn’t make any decisions in a hurry. Chances are, your friendship isn’t going to last.

Let’s pretend she isn’t getting married, would you have invited her to everything? If the answer is yes, then that’s all you need to know. Different people have different rules for their weddings.

I’ve never understood the evening only thing. I’m either close enough to someone to want them to come to my wedding or I’m not. So everyone either got a full invitation or they didn’t get one at all. It didn’t matter if you had invited me to your wedding or evening do.

My rule was that if I had (or DH) your number in my phone and I’d happily call you up and go out for a few drinks with you then you got an invitation! And no plus 1’s.

The only exception to that was we allowed our parents to invite their friends. It was only fair as they were paying for our wedding!

I can see why you're annoyed if she seems to be just assuming she'll be attending all of your wedding and the hen do when she didn't invite you to everything, but I think I'd take it less personally because you're not the only one from the group invited to the evening only.

It's never pleasant to realise that you 'rank' a friendship more highly than the other person does, and it certainly does look as though she prioritises some of her other friendships groups above this one. However, you're also prioritising one member of the group above the others, if she (another friend) will be a bridesmaid and the others won't.

She shouldn't be assuming. I'd be embarrassed to do so, in her place. I'd be surprised if the other members of the group don't also have thoughts on the matter and would probably have been discussing this situation with at least the friend you're having as a bridesmaid. You don't have to invite her to the whole thing, of course, and I'd be tempted to let her know that the invitation list (and her place on it) hasn't been finalised, in some subtle (or not so subtle) way, but it's probably better not to do that.

But when you put it like that, don't you think it's better for everyone that there aren't two hen do's and two weddings that you all have to go to? Basically her method - which i don't disagree with (see my wedding rationale below) - means that you come off as the better person whose having the wedding that the whole group will look forward to and enjoy all of together and remember forever. Hers will just be an evening do and will retain the awkwardness and bad aftertaste.

In relation to your bigger question about reciprocation rules etc., my wedding rationale is invite who you want, don't invite who you don't want, that is all. I know people make these things way more complicated, but if you have the wedding you want, then that's always defensible and you can have no regrets. Accordingly, we invited no one as it was just about us being married and went off and got wed and had the best time. Still together nearly 25 years later so pretty much happily ever after. Do what you like and don't overthink or get drawn into other people's politics. It's about you and your DP and having a great time.

Imagine her wedding didn't exist, would you have invited her then ? Only one of your group is invited to the Hen/day wedding, she is not just excluding you there are 4 others who have also been chopped. You are all invited to the evening which if you are friends you should go. It all sounds so bloody petty and childish

Maybe she's only expecting to be invited to the evening do of yours.

Maybe she assumes that she’s just invited to the evening part of your wedding, same as you’re only invited to the evening part of hers?

Why not ask her?

Why is it petty and childish to be shocked someone is assuming they are invited to your wedding day when not inviting you to theirs just a few months before?

If she actually does go on about her hen do to you all despite not inviting most of you, you send a polite private message to her telling her this is a bit off and can she stop it.

Otherwise, just shrug it off and don't worry about it. If her hen do is overseas and expensive to attend, be glad you're not having to work out your excuses!

Absolute reciprocity - 100%, mirror-like. Has always been the etiquette, unless couple run away to get married at the beach or suchlike with no guests (then no offence taken) and the other exception is when there is a vast difference in rank - i.e. the Beckhams and Serena Williams were invited to Prince Harry's wedding, but they would not dream to invite him to theirs in due course.

Ask her what? Why she has assumed she'd be invited?

I assume that this woman's behaviour (not inviting OP to her wedding but assuming that she will be invited to OP's) is making OP like her much less than she did. She does sound presumptuous.