To feel fed up about us struggling on DH low salary

[HumphreysGang]

Does anyone else have a DH who earns as little as £56,500 salary?
My DH does and it is so difficult to survive financially on his low salary in the SE.
I am surrounded by friends whose husbands all earn well in excess of £100,000+ a year. The difference in lifestyle, including affordability of house size, extensions, cars, holidays, etc. is huge. They are all living the dream and we are struggling to death.
Just wondering if anyone else has a husband on this level of low salary?
And yes I work. 30 hours a week. My money pays for extras. His is the main income to cover the major costs (except it doesn't and we are permanently in the red).
He'll never earn more as he's at top of his salary point.
Nor will I due to our SEN DC and their needs which have severely thwarted my previous plans for career progression.

Depending on where you live it really is. We live in the SE and when our combined salary was 55k we genuinely struggled. Rent on a 2 bed house was 1.6 k a month, then bills, groceries, commuting to London costs a fortune even when they take it out of your wages. The kids shared a room, we didn’t take holidays or anything. This is one of the reasons why I want to move back up North

rules on uniform changed so challenge that with the school - no more than 3 logo items - needs to be a generic alternative accepted

2 cars is excessive - i don't know anyone where i live with 2 cars - we all share one car and use public transport - is there no way to manage without that second car at all??

we earn about 100k in london and only got a car recently for camping holidays and getting out of town on the weekends

It's a shock how expensive it is tbh and we are alrady thinking of gettin rid

No it's me, the woman who is on less than that

I’m in the SE and earn 73k and yes i’m not poor by any means, but single income and doesn’t go a long way in SE. Thankfully only 1 DC remain at home (and expensive dog) but I am relocating to north west in a few weeks. 5k less salary, but overall a lot better off.

Just on the topic of the uniform. See if there are second hand sales.

Be interesting to hear what you are earing OP so a combined income could be known. I am on similar to your DH but no children and thriving in SE London, my own home and one car. Maybe I might struggle if I had children but if i had another income coming in I am not sure that I would as the additional income would cover majority of the additional costs.

@HumphreysGang you have invited a third 'person' into your marriage, resentment.

Unless there's a massive backstory with your husband blowing the budget each month on gambling/porn/alcohol etc., then honestly, I'd be content that you have a dh who is earning well and working full time so that you could as a team decide that you'd work less, and be grateful for what you have.

Did you know your DH earning capacity was capped at mid 50k @HumphreysGang ? When I was dating, I would purposely exclude men who were low earners or little above NMW as they wouldn’t be able to provide the life that I was already providing for myself !!

You can try and earn a 100k plus job and all the stress that comes with it and your husband works a 30hr per week role.

My cousins wife is just like you, demanding he gets a better paid job for a large extension , yet unable to get a better paid job herself. It really grates me!!

Alternatively, you could get a new high value , DH ?

You should have grabbed yourself a partner with a higher salary if money is so important. Still hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Wow!! Why is it all on him to earn the money?? If you want more earn it yourself. Or move to an area more befitting your income.

What can you do OP.

3 choices:

1. Accept situation
2. Spend less
3. Earn more - yourself and OH.

Which do you choose?

Hi OP,

How old are you both? Is DH’s earnings potential capped or could he progress in his career?

I agree with other posters that resentment is really damaging in a relationship. What were your discussions around earnings/finances before children? Do you feel your DH has subsequently reneged on earlier promises? I know the CoL is a killer - especially in an expensive area

You generally need intergenerational wealth or to choose a well paid career in your 20s if you want the big house, extension, fancy holidays and new car money.

We’re in the NW so salaries go much further but that still applies here. Some of our friends have amazing houses but they’ve got really long mortgages with huge repayments (and deposits from parents). Only know of one extension which was funded with inheritance.

Most middle class people aren’t living that life, they live in standard sized houses and getting by. Don’t let rampant consumerism and jealousy stop you appreciating what you’ve got - a kitchen island and an SUV aren’t the root cause of happiness.

If you work full time life will be financially better.

This exactly. Why is he the problem and not you? It’s not the 1950s.

If you are comparing what you can afford compared to people earning double of course you are going to feel like you can't do as much.
Try comparing yourself of a couple both on minimum wage and you feel like you can do more.

That said, yes you aren't unreasonable for noticing that your household finances don't cover as much as they used to and this will have widen the gaps between households on different budgets but you are unreasonable for calling your husband wage very low and the reason you can't afford as much as you would like.

We have had fiscal drag in the last few years due to freezing of the tax bands, I was listening to a more or less piece on this and for some house holds this has been the equivalent of a 3% tax increase. Mortgage rates have returned to normal rather than the artificial low rates we had through the 2010s and if you had based your finances on these staying this low forever you are going to be feeling the pinch.

For what it is worth, my partner earns about £60k, we are currently a single income household, 2 children but we are in a position where our living costs are covered by ~60% of his take home pay leaving the rest for savings, holidays, trips out and other nice to haves. We have always based our household expenses on us only having one income but until recently we were both on good salaries (£40k-60k), through the years of very low interest rates (also prekids) we overpaid our mortgage significantly. We anticipated that the rates would increase and which means that now that they have our mortgage payments haven't changed as much as our loan is considerably less than it was. I appreciate not everyone has been as fortunate to be in this position and to ride out the changes in cost of living but this is broadly why we haven't been feeling the pinch of the changes over the last 2-3 years.

As you are currently feeling that pinch, it might be worth sitting down with your husband to review your financial situation. Where is your money going, are you both being paid fairly for the roles you are doing and whether what you imagine you should be able to afford on your salaries is realistic. If you are constantly trying to make your finances stretch further than they can you are going to get to the end of the month penny pinching and feeling like you are on edge. An adjustment to what you spend in the first 3 weeks might then mean that you don't have to fret in that last week without too many changes

@Straightjacketsandroses I took my information from the NEU pay scale for 2026/27 using M6 as the basis for a standard classroom teacher: the rate is £48,479 per annum for London Fringe and £52,241 for inner London.
Perhaps you are using the upper pay scales? They can go up as far as £58,120 for fringe and £64,684 inner London over the years subject to performance management and school budgets.
I didn’t consider that as standard teaching pay. It may be an automatic progression from main scale to the upper scale where you are, but it’s not straightforward elsewhere and progress can be limited by head teachers and academy principals. It usually involves lots of hoop jumping and extra work and being managed out f the profession, whatever is officially stated.

So if your rate of pay is lower than your DH’a, why is the title of your thread about your DH ‘a low salary? Why isn’t it your own shortcoming?

Dont mean to kick you when you are down, but you are not being fair on your DH

I'd love a 56k salary.

£56k is a good salary but the SE is expensive and what you have left depends on your expenses. As people have said you either up your household income or reduce your outgoings or, ideal situation do both at the same time. If you were being radical you would move somewhere cheaper. Worrying about money is exhausting so you need a plan

OP.....what do you want to change? What would you spend this mythical extra money on or is it simply because you see others with 'more'.
As others have said, comparison really is the theif of joy.
I live in the SE with my Audhd teenager (formal diagnosis).
I'm a single parent so it's all on me. I was medically retired out of my job so my 'income' is my teachers pension. I will never get a promotion etc.
You mentioned how you'd had massive increases in mortgage & utilities. I have always ensured I've got a fixed rate mortgage, means I know exactly what I'm paying each month, when I've got about 9 months left I start looking around for the next decent rate, again at fixed interest.
Utilities again are monthly DD, I get into credit during the summer so I can use the heating come winter.
Yes, I have to be careful & no, we don't have holidays abroad often but I recognise how fortunate I am. Happily I'm also not surrounded by women whose husband's all earn 100k + a year, sounds incredibly dull frankly!
All I'm trying to say is try to look at what you DO have, not what you don't & remember, DLA/PIP isn't means tested, it's needs tested. I recieve higher rate PIP & my DD recieves lower rate DLA dye to her Audhd. If you have a SEN child you WILL be entitled to DLA if their needs are deemed high enough.

Your listing school uniform as being expensive but this is the same for everyone, and people earn way less than you have to find the money also.

It is really hard!! Our joint family income is £75k (as I earn about £35k and my DH £40k) and we have two children. But we just don't go on holiday abroad (we just have a couple of weekends away in a caravan off peak usually) and we have to be careful with how many days trips we have etc. I buy a lot of things off of vinted and shop in charity shops and home bargains etc. I don't feel sorry for myself though as we don't have much debt apart from mortgage and there are a lot of people worse off than us.

Is there any way you can reduce your outgoings? Can you move to a cheaper area or smaller house?

Jesus I'd be jumping for joy if my DH (on minimum wage) was earning this much! I work FT with absolutely no chance of dropping hours.

People earning £100k work like stink, often at the cost of their own and their families' wellbeing. If you don't want that, accept that you're not in that social category and extricate yourself from it.

It means forming a different idea of how you want your life to be, based on what you value most. That takes a lot of humility, if you've grown up with the idea that success in life equates to the trappings you mention.... which over the last 30 or 40 years have morphed from being the preserve of the wealthiest few to being the right of anyone who works.

It also takes some imagination. How will you fill the spaces you'd dreamed would be occupied by travel, shopping, house improvements, facial treatments, entertaining, eating out etc? At the risk of sounding unbearably pious... developing your own intellectual / creative / spiritual / physical resources really is the best investment you can make for a fulfilled life. But most of us have to learn this the hard way, I certainly did.

All the costs you’ve listed are costs almost EVERY other family has to meet too, including those living in the SE and on much lower incomes than you! You’re not special or hard done by in that sense. As PPs have said, you can lower your outgoings (move to a cheaper area or smaller house) or increase your own earnings (more hours or re train).

The problem here is your own expectations- you’re comparing your lifestyle to wealthier people. Of course you fall short. Start noticing all the ways in which you don’t struggle in life (not material things).

“Massive increase in mortgage rate.
Massive increase in water meter charges.
Massive increase in electric and gas.
Massive increase in council tax which is now £300 a month!!!!
Massive increase in food - our teen DC eat never ending amounts of food.
Expensive petrol.
2 cars to run as we both need a car to get to and to do our jobs.
Endless money needed on kids clothes, shoes, school uniform.
Crucified by our DC school uniform who insist on school logo wear.
One car needs fixing and we can't even afford to book it in for repair, it's awful to not be able to afford to repair a 10 year old car.”