AIBU to want more quality time with my boyfriend who has children

[curlyblondey]

Please be gentle with me, it’s my first time dating someone with kids and I’m trying desperately hard to make it work.

I have been dating a man for four months, we work together so had developed feelings a while before we were officially together. I truly adore him and he’s honestly just a really good, kind man.

He’s a few years older than me and has two kids (8 & 10). I haven’t met them and i think we’re a long way off that happening, which I am ok with. I don’t have children and don’t want them, but I’m maternal and absolutely see them being part of my future life.

The issue is, I feel I never get quality time with him and I’m struggling to gauge what’s normal at this stage. I’ve only ever dated childless men whereby at this point we’ve been on loads of dates, weekends away, even holidays etc

My boyfriend will meet me for coffee, lunch, a drink after work etc…but we’ve never spent a night together.

I know he makes time to do this and I’m super appreciative of it but it never feels like quality time? I’d love to have a weekend in or a movie night or just something with a bit more intimacy. Am I asking for too much?

I really don’t want to make an issue of him having children as it’s not per se, but I guess I’m feeling a little lonely and I miss him.

I am obviously of the opinion that kids come first and I recognise I’ll always play second fiddle which I am ok with (I think).

Am I unreasonable for wanting more?

Ask to meet his ex wife?
“I’d like to meet your ex wife as you are obviously on good terms with her to be living alongside each other in the same house”
You won’t see him for dust… you won’t just be playing second fiddle to his kids, you’re down the list after his wife and children.
If he has the children 50/50, 50% of the time he is free to sleep over, go away etc The fact he only sees you after work for a drink/lunch means that he’s treating you as a mistress.

Echo everyone else.

How on earth have you not questioned to him or yourself that if what he was saying was true - he could still spend 50% of his free time outside of his house with you, couldn’t he?!?

he could stay at yours, go on weekends away with you etc

it is nothing short of staggering op that you havent thought this or raised it.

here’s my guess for if you do query it ‘we don’t want the kids to know yet’

If they are co-parenting then there's nothing stopping him from spending the night at yours, unless he's still very much in a relationship with the mother of his children, which it sounds like he is.

It can be true…but only if the person is still able to stay overnight at yours, go on weekends away, get picked up by you from the house etc. Then it’s clear the ex spouse is aware. Without those things, yes, blindingly obvious.

Its an affair, sorry. Living together but separated is a tale as old as time, along with 'my wife doesn't understand me' and 'I'm only staying until the children are older'. How do you disprove it? Simple, ask to come over and speak to her. He says that she knows about you and is happy with the situation, and that they are amicably separated - so meeting her shouldn't be an issue, should it? It doesn't have to involve the children, they don't need to know who you are.

Oh. Kinda phew, kinda frustrating that I thought it was real!

Yeah I agree entirely. I was just responding to the posters saying it can’t be real as she has a husband, as they may have split up 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Oh you poor gullible thing, he is not your boyfriend ! He is not seperated, he likes your adoration, he's a liar and a cheat, not a kind man. Open your eyes, remove those rose tinted glasses, you're his bit on the side. Sorry to be blunt.

MAJOR drip feed!! Are you a teenager? You seem incredibly naive.

Even if he's not still with her (he probably is), this is not the type of messy situation you should be getting yourself into.

Yeahhhh you're the bit on the side I'm afraid.

Out of curiosity, can you phone him any time of the evening and he'll pick up and talk properly? Can you facetime and he answer?

Ask to meet her.

Have you socialised with his friends and family? If he has social media are you on it? Do people at work know you’re together? These are the types of things to think about when trying to work out whether you are his side piece.

He is married or at least has a long term partner. You are being played.

He’s lying and he could string you along for a year or more, claiming he’s a dedicated dad and ‘the time is not right yet’. Send him packing.

Oh god, how 0ld are you? He’s having an affair with ypu. Of course he’s not separated and living with her,

if you want to prove it, ask to come to his house, and post a pic on social media and tag him,

the man’s lying to you for sex.

Red flag red flag red flag red flag.

Sorry to break it to you but you are the other woman.

People don’t get divorced and stay living together.

And if they did he’d stay overnight / they’d have an arrangement with the kids and he’d have some kids-free time for you.

@curlyblondey - I suspect that the posters who have said he is married and you are the other woman he’s having an affair with, are right. At best, his marriage is in trouble (because he’s a cheater), and he is lining you up to be his next childcare option, when the marriage breaks up - a nanny with a fanny, is the term, I believe. But you are falling in love whilst he is having his fun with you.

Even if he was separated, 4 months into a relationship is WAY too early for you to be being ‘maternal’ with his kids - frankly it is too early for you to have met them, imo.

Throw this fish back, @curlyblondey.

get in touch and ask her?

Does he take you on evening dates? Has he introduced you to his friends and family?where are you having sex, if you’re having it, please don’t say his car.

^^ this.

And yeah if he’s managing child care 50 50 then 50 percent of the time she’s caring for the kids and he’s free to see you for dates and over nights

he’s a lying cheat.

What happened this summer while the children have been off school? Did he take the children on holiday? On his own, with his ex? This will tell you what is really going on.

If they are truly separated but living under the same roof, there would be no issue of him staying over at yours the odd night. They wouldn’t be going on holiday together as a 4. Unless there is a massive drip feed about his dc and significant needs.

To be blunt I think you would be better dating someone without children. He will always only be able to see you when it fits in with his responsibilities with his children and his first priority has to be them.
You say you accept that but I don't think you do , which is perfectly understandable. If you want more than he is able to give you should be honest and move on

Also you need to let his poor wife know. Especially if you’re sleeping with him as she will be too

so tell him you’re going to reach out to her to say hi. See what happens.

You’re the other woman.

Tell his wife if it’s all ok she’ll reassure you!