AIBU to want more quality time with my boyfriend who has children

[curlyblondey]

Please be gentle with me, it’s my first time dating someone with kids and I’m trying desperately hard to make it work.

I have been dating a man for four months, we work together so had developed feelings a while before we were officially together. I truly adore him and he’s honestly just a really good, kind man.

He’s a few years older than me and has two kids (8 & 10). I haven’t met them and i think we’re a long way off that happening, which I am ok with. I don’t have children and don’t want them, but I’m maternal and absolutely see them being part of my future life.

The issue is, I feel I never get quality time with him and I’m struggling to gauge what’s normal at this stage. I’ve only ever dated childless men whereby at this point we’ve been on loads of dates, weekends away, even holidays etc

My boyfriend will meet me for coffee, lunch, a drink after work etc…but we’ve never spent a night together.

I know he makes time to do this and I’m super appreciative of it but it never feels like quality time? I’d love to have a weekend in or a movie night or just something with a bit more intimacy. Am I asking for too much?

I really don’t want to make an issue of him having children as it’s not per se, but I guess I’m feeling a little lonely and I miss him.

I am obviously of the opinion that kids come first and I recognise I’ll always play second fiddle which I am ok with (I think).

Am I unreasonable for wanting more?

You DO have "something that disproves what he says" about being separated - he never sees you in the evenings or at weekends.

If he and his 'separated' wife share childcare 50:50, then logically he must be without his children 50% of the time.

Why isn't he spending at least some of that time with you?

Come on, OP, it's so obvious, you're his affair partner.

If they're separated or she knew about you, surely he would be able to come for some nights tho.

If you do have sex insist on condoms as well as another method on your side, you don't know where else he has been sticking it.

I have curly blonde hair and I'm not this stupid.

Affair. LTB

But if the ex is aware of the situation why can’t he ever stay at your house? What’s his excuse?

It's not impossible - my ex and I flatshared for a year after we split. But - there were no children involved. And two singletons flatsharing is very different from the married-separated-coparenting situation he is claiming, isn't it?

"My boyfriend will meet me for coffee, lunch, a drink after work etc…but we’ve never spent a night together."
So what do you mean by "a drink after work"? Are we talking about two drinks and parting by 7pm, or staying until closing time? Although I have done both with workmates, and I note that you work together.

It is entirely possible - indeed, I'd say it's 99% certain in my mind - that he and his wife are very much together and his wife thinks he's just having a drink after work with colleagues. He could even tell her exactly that and it would be 100% truthful, wouldn't it?

I'm sorry OP, but the chance that they are separated is in the slim-to-nil category. He is flattered by the interest of a younger woman, and is shit enough to take advantage of you. Sorry.

He tells me he is separated but they live together
Even if this is true why would you want to get involved in such a messy situation?
You will be seen as the other woman.

Seriously think about what kind of life you want. Do you want to be supporting someone as they potentially go through custody battles, chunks of their wage going ( quite rightly) on maintenence, not being able to have spontaneous plans, possibly the ex wife hating you and making life difficult, you having to drop your plans suddenly to look after his kids if they are on your weekend and he wants to go out . The list is endless.
Find some who is straight forward
Life is hard enough without making it harder for yourself

Seriously?

If he was truly doing 50/50 why would he have no available evenings or weekends for you?

My dh (we've been married 20 yrs) was still sharing a house with his ex partner and their kids when we got together. But in that time I met his parents, his sister, some of his friends, who all confirmed that they were not together.
And very soon after we got together their house went on the market.
So it's possible for it to be true. They had a huge house with a bedroom each, they split weekends, so I still saw him every other weekend, he stayed over at mine, we went away for weekends together. I think neither of them could face the upheaval of selling, buying, setting out timetables of childcare, until one of them met someone else and forced the issue.

But if you've never met any of his family or friends and he's never spent a single night with you, if they live in a smallish house without a spare bedroom then he might not be being entirely truthful.

He’s either not ready to take things further emotionally or he actually hasn’t split up with his ex at all.

i think you’ve been very naive here, OP. Sorry.

oh @curlyblondey please wake up and smell the scum bag. He is still a married man and you are his affair partner. Dump this loser.

Are you sure he's not still with their mother? At 8 and 10 they're old enough for there to be plenty of opportunities for him to stay with you overnight. Even if he has full custody.

*editing to say - years ago I had a boyfriend who only had coffee with me during the working day (we didn't work together but near each other). Sometimes he'd see me in the evening but never overnight.

Yep it turned out he was married.

I know a couple who will have been living together for close to two years since they separated by the time the final move out happens, so it is not totally impossible from that point of view. But there are some big red flags for sure. @curlyblondey when you say you go for a drink after work, do you never have a proper full evening with him, going on later at least, even if he hasn't stayed? And have you asked him why he's never stayed over?

What is the excuse that he can’t stay the night at yours or a hotel?

It’s understandable that you couldn’t go to his but there’s no excuse that he can’t stay overnight with you.

The ONLY reason he can’t stay overnight is because his wife would have a problem with it - aka not separated.

Please stop being so naive.
You are the only one that’s going to end in tears here (and even worse if you work together).

So why can’t he ever stay over at your place? Surely if they’re separated he’d be glad to spend some out of the house they share?

He’s having an affair with you. Ask him to go away somewhere with you overnight, or have a long weekend day out somewhere and I bet he won’t be able to.

Phone his wife and ask if she could possibly give her lovely husband the night off so he can have some intimate time with you, his girlfriend of four months.

Well if they manage childcare 50:50

then the nights mum has them he can stay at yours

it does sound like he is still with her if never has dates /evenings with you

I also thought this was weird! Holidays together after 4 months?!

I’ve dated a man with a child and even though he in particular was selfish and that had an impact, overall my advice to all childless women who are not yet out of options- do not date men with children. Stepmother’s life is hard. You will be second fiddle and whatever you do, your efforts will never be truly appreciated. Blended families are hard work.
unless he’s super rich just don’t do it.

Nope. He is married. You are an affair.

I feel sorry for you OP, We've all been there (one sided relationships) but 4 months really isn't enough time to really know anyone.

Nothing unusual about it when you both don’t have children (because it’s easy to organise and there is more holiday time and disposable income).