AIBU to change schools over my husband helping a neighbour?

[Schoolchanging]

Dh had always done school drop off and pick up due to my work hours and over the last 18 months I’d got increasingly irritated by him walking with or giving a lift to a neighbour whose child goes to the same school.

So I decided we would change dc to a different school a little further away and they are due to start there in a couple of weeks.

I didn’t want to spend time on discussions and boundaries and wanted to just eliminate the stress on our relationship. I told him I wasn’t comfortable that I’d asked him to stop and as he wasn’t I was changing schools to which he said ‘fine that’s your choice’. Dc are ok about it as we know people who go to the new school as well.

Neighbour has just spoken to us as we were leaving at the same time and she said to dh ‘back to the usual routine soon then!’ And I said ‘actually no, dc are going to be at a different school so all change for us !’ To which she turned to dh and said ‘why haven’t you told me this already?’ Which I found odd.

I was going to say you overreacted by moving your children. But it seems to be with her reaction to your husband there might be something more to it. So I changed it from you are being unreasonable to not being unreasonable. Something just did not sit right with me when she confronted your husband like that.

OP, just wow, your off your trolley dealing with it this way. I feel super sorry for the kids in this.

100% this!!

It does sound very extreme and making yourself look very insecure, unless of course you have reason to feel insecure? Would you feel the same if your husband reacted the same to you giving another man a lift? I don’t know all the facts but I think your marriage needs looking at, if I felt so strongly then I wouldn’t be married to someone I couldn’t trust

Is there more to this? So you suspect your husband is flirting with/interested in this neighbour?

I think youre insane. Honestly. You say you trust him but you obviously don't. You said, "I trust him, but not her", but it takes two to tango. How dare a man have a freewill? If it was a man he was walking with, and enjoying talking to, would you react the same way? No, is the answer. You're being controlling and domineering and if you carry on like this you won't HAVE a marriage!

How strange?
Why isn't your husband allowed to help a neighbour? Why do you feel threatened by it and why are you using your children to control your husband?

People seriously need to RTWT and updates before commenting - it’s clear who has and hasn’t…

Any woman who is simpering around another women’s husband and leaving her own ‘care package’ (ffs!) in his property is making a claim. Like a previous poster said - marking territory so she is not ‘forgotten’ or has access to ask for it back. Blanking the wife is a major red flag too.

Your DH seems to be in a white knight syndrome - what he sees as being friendly and helpful she sees as possible interest.

If you are both together and she’s speaking to him - give him a hug and watch her expression… (from experience, my dh was hugging me and I got the dirtiest look from overstepping boundaries woman, who would not even look at me. We were at a kids play event!)

Moving the kids school is a big decision, but appears to be better for them, and cuts the damsel in distress from their supply, they may move on. What do the kids think of the woman during their school run? Kids can pick up on uncomfortable feelings.

Totally NBU OP. Very well played.

You obviously can't trust your husband.

No decent husband would allow a neighbour to be rude to his wife and carry on a friendly relationship with them, because she's female, he probably fancies her and gets off on the attention.

No decent husband would carry on giving lifts to said rude neighbour after his wife told him it was upsetting her, because she's female, he probably fancies her and gets off on the attention.

No decent husband would allow a rude neighbour he was giving lifts to against his wife's wishes, because she's rude to her, to keep a 'care package' in the family car, because she's female, he probably fancies her and gets off on the attention.

Your husband is to all intents and purposes colluding in a game with this woman because he knows she upsets you and she is blatantly trying to get in his trousers. That is pretty sick IMO.

The new school set up means you can observe their interactions now they don't have a reason to have contact with each other if you really want to salvage your marriage.

Although I would be getting my ducks in a row and planning to get rid.

Edited to add - I'm sure kids will be fine and it may be turn out better for them anyway in the long run. Especially with wrap around care.

Also if he does end up having an affair with the neighbour, at least your kids wouldn't be at the same schools!

She leaves a bag of her stuff (the care package you described) in your husband's car for the school run? That is nuts. Why hasn't he tackled it? Very odd.

Not unreasonable but tbh, if you're at the point of switching schools so impacting your child and their friendship groups over this, maybe it's your partner you need to leave and not the school.

The neighbour is being weird and I would have a conversation with them too about boundaries.

Exactly!

Initially I thought you sounded completely unhinged, but tbh having read more of the comments, I understand your concerns a little better OP. It sounds like DH is gaslighting you when your spidey senses are, quite rightly, tingling? Your neighbour does sound odd, &, as a single mum myself I would never want anyone to think I was going after their husband and I would do everything in my power to prove to them that they have nothing to worry about. Accepting help once in a while, absolutely, because being a single mum is hard, but she is overstepping the mark. That said, it is up to your husband to set boundaries. He is the one who made vows, not her, & it sounds like you need to have a long hard talk about that. The talk about schools is, or should be, entirely separate. Is it honestly the best thing for the children to move school? If they are better off at their current school, you’re unreasonable for moving them. If there is a valid reason, other than their dad’s behaviour, & they will be better off, for changing school, ok. Your relationship is the issue, though, not the school or the inappropriate neighbour.

So instead of putting your big girl pants on and speaking to the neighbour and firming up boundaries, you have completely changed your children’s school?
Your poor children. Get some marriage counselling or get rid of hubby if you can’t trust him or he doesn’t respect your boundaries.

I get where you are coming from OP. The neighbour's behaviour in DH's car/on the school run is the specific problem which you have eliminated by changing schools. Her reaction confirms your suspicions.
You can now observe what happens next.

You clearly have an issue. You moved your kids school because you don’t trust your husband. This won’t change the issue, you’ve just unsettled your kids.

I’m actually on your side here, and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

If this woman is the only woman that gives you a gut feeling where your husband is concerned, then I don’t think you’re mad to act on it at all. Especially if the children will be happy at the new school, and it fits better with wraparound care/allowing both of you to do the school run.

However, she’s giving you a gut feeling for a reason. The chances are, that isn’t just because they do the school run together so I would still try to work out where that intuition is coming from.

Omg your poor dc and DH?!?!? Controlling much…. Like this is the most bizarre behaviour ever. Using your kids to control your husbands behaviours towards a neighbour wth! Are you planning on moving too as surely they will still see each other?!?!?

I just don’t like how she acts she also rarely speaks to me on many occasions has blanked me totally

This would be a red flag to me personally. Only because I had a similar experience with a neighbour before we moved some years ago. When we moved there initially, she spoke with us both absolutely fine. My dh is a self employed tradesperson, and did some work for her. She asked him to do other stuff outside of his trade, but which he could do. Absolutely no problem. Then she started blanking me, out of the blue, and rarely spoke to me, whilst still being very chatty with dh. I was then told by another neighbour who I was friendly with that this particular neighbour had said she was very attracted to my dh. I’m guessing, when I thought about it, that she checked out of speaking to me, to distance herself from me in the event she got somewhere with dh. I trusted him though and didn’t mention it to him, as didn’t want to create drama. We moved, not as a result of that, and that was the end of it. But I’d certainly trust your spidery senses OP. Easier to deal with potential situation now, than further down the line when it might be too late.

Wow. You need to talk to him about these issues as this is a HUGE over reaction

You sound jealous, over bearing and controlling

I think you went about this the wrong way. It would bother me if a female neighbor was chatty with my husband but ignores me and I would not want hubby doing one on one things with her in that case like school drop off and such. My husband wouldn't care much about a random neighbor though so would be no skin off his nose to stop doing school drop off with her. I think your issue is your husband worrying more about random neighbor's feelings than yours. But changing schools was the wrong way to handle it IMO because it doesn't solve the base problem and she is still your neighbor.

You really did this? Changed your child's school because you did not like your husband walking with or giving a lift to a neighbour on the journey? So are you going to move house, too?

Right! I'd be bringing that care package to her. Here you left this in our car.

It’s pretty crazy your DH was happy for you to move your DC schools to stop him hanging out with the NDN rather than just not doing that after you asked. Her “care package” in your car is fucking weird and yes, she just does sound really very strange indeed… But so does your DH.