Is it just me or do mums who don’t breast feed seem happier?

[ChristmasBaby2026]

As my username suggests I’m having a baby in December - my first one!

I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting obviously and how we want to do things and I’ve been starting to feel like I don’t want to rely on breastfeeding which is at odds with everyone around me who seems to be exclusively breast feeding, often at the expense of their own wellbeing.

I’m happy to give it a go but I can’t see myself going to great lengths to make it happen if it isn’t easy. The mums I know who are EBF seem tired, stressed, housebound or chained to their baby and their babies seem a lot more fussy. Lots of worry about latch, sore nipples, engorged breasts and whether their baby is eating enough as well. Basically the whole thing seems like it is making early parenting miserable.

By contrast I had lunch with a friend who is exclusively formula feeding and everything seemed like so much less faff. Baby was chill, didn’t need constant feeding during lunch, husband is really involved and sharing feeds. They seemed so much happier!

Bottle feed babies sleep better because cows milk protein is slower to digest. It's the reason that FF increases the risk of sudden infant death syndrome, they are less likely to rouse themselves if they find themselves up against a sofa cushion, a cot side etc.
I like my kids to have home made food not processed food and breastfeeding is the ultimate non procesed food and formula the ultimate processed food. What we should be focusing on here is better support for new mums with feeding their babies, where we live it's awful, really poor so most people are mixed feeding by 6 weeks or ff even though they planned to bf

it is not the rest of your life is it ? Just a short , precious period of life. Just keep it in your mind it is natural and nature . If you are able to why wouldn’t you just give it a try. If you missed out on a social life for a few months does it really matter?

[Edit - this was in response to ConfusedAnxiousMum]

The whole point of peer support is that mothers who have BFd help mothers who want to BF.

We also covered FF and combi feeding in the training I did.

The risk? Of starvation? Yes, obviously that has serious consequences!

If we are looking at the subject objectively, formula also carries starvation risk and danger if it doesn't go well. Plus the other risks, as I'm sure you're aware.

Thankfully this is all very rare.

There is a reason babies are weighed and monitored for the first few days, and mothers should have proper support pre, during, and post birth.

What is wrong is that services are being cut and mothers aren't getting the support they need at a crucial time.

It sounds as though you had a really hard time, and I'm sorry.

What advice?

I should've said 'would' not 'might' – I phrased that poorly. I wasn't saying to wait until day 5, to be clear I was saying that surely by day 5 at the latest, someone would start giving their baby some form of nutrition and make sure they're wetting/pooing and gaining. I don't understand why a person wouldn't do that.

However on average it takes at least 2 days for your milk to come in – usually 3 – and babies will generally do fine on colostrum until then. Mine came in on the evening of day 3 both times, and my babies gained in their first week.

I feel like you didn't read my comment. "as long as your baby is gaining and wetting" AKA as long as your baby is thriving, and healthy.

Does everyone not know it can take longer for milk to come in, or that it might not at all? I've had a family member whose milk didn't come in, and she just switched to formula at the end of day 4. It didn't seem difficult. I've also had friends who combination fed for the first 8 weeks or so, and they didn't seem to find it too tricky to navigate, although some did see (free) lactation specialists.

Yes that was ruled out, my breasts were physiologically normal, no IGT or tubular breasts etc.

We don't really know why I never made enough milk despite in theory MASSIVELY overdemanding (the hospital said I was pumping plus nursing plus domperidone like I was nursing quads).

It's bizarre that anyone would try downplay the prevalence of insufficient supply honestly. Or pretend it's not a thing.

It still breaks my heart that my little boy could have avoided ten days of hospitalisation for starvation as a newborn if someone had told me to give him formula. They even said no, don't have formula in the house, as you might use it in a weak moment :(

All the tests he went through, procedures, blood draw, nasal gastric feeding tube, being unable to hold him while in a UV tank, after days of starving. I am incredibly lucky he ended up healthy and okay. But the trauma of those early days will never really go away.

I wish one person had told me while pregnant that although most people who want to breastfeed will be able to, some people simply can't, and to try not to set my sights on one method of feeding but instead roll with what's in front of me.

In my case I didn't give it because everyone I told about not making milk gaslit me and said I was just being anxious, they only need tiny drops of colostrum, relax and trust my body and baby. Doctors and midwives alike. I knew he wasn't getting anything but was told again and again he'd be fine. I blame myself of course because I allowed people to persuade me to starve my newborn. But your question as to not understanding why someone wouldn't feed their baby by day five... that's why. Because of being told persistently by medical professionals and supposed 'breastfeeding experts' not to, that if you do you'll ruin breastfeeding, that formula is poison, that it can give your child cancer, that it's like giving your child a happy meal instead of a three course gourmet dinner, and so forth.

You may find it hard to believe if you haven't been through it, but I'd encourage you to stop insisting how rare it is and actually listen to the experiences of women that have endured it, and there are plenty of us.

I was much happier as a bottle feeding mum than a breast feeding one. The difficulties and demands of BF had a real impact on my mental health. DS wasn't satisfied and I felt a failure. The 'support' basically consisted of telling me to keep going with the things I was doing that weren't working for either of us.
I wish I'd known then what I do now. That I'd raise three children to adulthood with no difference whatsoever in their health based on how I fed them.

Bottlefed babies dont sleep better. Its down to the baby. My breastfed slept

I'm sorry you had such terrible professionals around you. I'm bewildered as to how a group of adults can think a newborn is capable of going longer than five days on minimal amounts of colostrum. It just makes zero sense. I think it's very important as a mum to be well informed, to have a well informed partner, and have good support around you so you have the confidence to make the best choices – you can't always trust the health system.

I haven't insisted it's rare, I don't think? It is the definite minority, in my experience, for women to be unable to BF if they want to do so and attempt it, but that doesn't make it rare.

In fact, I'm not really sure what I've said that you take issue with?

I was much happier breast feeding than bottle feeding

That's great. It's a tremendous bonus when something there's pressure to do is both achievable and enjoyable for you.

Just in relation to your point Panzyer 5 days is of course too late. In fairness to my hospital they may not have known about IGT but they had me cup feeding formula from day 2 because there were crystals in his nappy. Everyone assumed my milk would come in but I was absolutely told to give formula till then. If anything I thought they were trying to undermine the bf... but he never went hungry thankfully. Im not in the UK

Hey, my apologies. I got you mixed up with a different poster that keeps saying 'it's rare' again and again, that wasn't you!

Though I did mean to reply to you in response to the uncertainty about why nobody would feed a baby by day five.

My first breastfeeding experience was very marred by pressure too. Pressure to mix feed, add formula, add solids etc. my eldest was born on the 50th centile and then dipped to the 25th where they happily followed it. Instead of thinking that perhaps that was their centile (probably still is today) I got told my baby wasn't thriving (I had a baby that was gaining weight, was giving plenty of wet and dirty nappies, was hitting every developmental milestone and even had chubs) and that I needed to supplement. When they were four months I was told to introduce solids even though my breast milk would contain more calories. I dreaded going to get my child weighed and ended up avoiding them.

I went to the GP as I had mastitis and got told I should just stop breastfeeding (my child was 9 months old) and that us women just liked to look like good mums and that formula was a perfectly adequate choice. When I pushed for antibiotics he rolled his eyes at me and I was told his children had formula and they were perfectly healthy. I had fine to the GP for treatment not a lecture.

I understand that it feels as though there is a pressure to breastfeed at the very start (though I can tell you that most midwives love a formula feeder as it means they don't have to try and support breastfeeding when they have 8 other woman and baby's to care for). However as soon as you are out that hospital the pressure is very much the other way.

The UK is absolutely insane about pushing breastfeeding honestly. In the pregnancy classes given by the NHS it was like formula feeding was a banned topic. They talked about breastfeeding then said very quickly 'anyone planning to formula feed? no?' and moved on. As if anyone would have been brave enough to say yes after a lecture on how damaging formula is. Though if I had a second I would have absolutely and happily spoken up if only for others not to feel alone. My experiences were so traumatising we're one and done.

The NHS also shockingly pushes a lot of myth and woo and misinformation around breastfeeding, it's quite scary. And when on the postnatal ward, we were given nonstop mixed advice by every person. I asked at one point if there were any feeding specialists I could speak with and was told 'no, we're all breastfeeding friendly trained'. Okay, but the examples of mixed info we got were

Never push baby's head to the breast, let them come to you. Vs, once they open their mouth, quickly push your breast in.

Make your breast into a sandwich, vs leave it how it naturally is shaped.

Keep going even if it's excruciating, vs if the pain is really bad have a break.

Use nipple shields, as they'll give your breasts a break and baby will latch better, vs don't touch shields, they'll lead to nipple confusion, might as well give a bottle.

Breasts are supply and demand, they'll make more as you remove milk, vs don't pump before a feed as there'll be nothing left (this turned out to be true in my case tbf)

There were so many it's hard to recall now but one person would advise one thing, the next would come in and have a go and say no, you're doing it wrong, do it this way instead.

The NHS simultaneously pushes breastfeeding incredibly aggressively, while also appearing to know very little about it.

Hm in my experience it's mixed.

Most of the mum's I know with formula fed babies have had an easier time with their children.

However I'd say the ones who wanted to breastfeed but couldn't have suffered with feeling guilt about it.

And the ones who wanted to ff from the beginning are perhaps less prone to being anxious anyway? If you're picking an option that you know will make life easier but may not be recommended for your baby you are probably one to prioritize self care (not a bad thing, happy mum happy baby is often very true!).

Also know a mixed bag when it comes to breastfeeding. Some finding it easy from the beginning, out and about straight away. Others struggling a lot more. Generally all poorer sleepers though!

I'm sorry to hear you had that experience. I'm going back 30 years, so perhaps the direction of pressure has changed.
Regardless, pressure of any sort is unacceptable. Women need to be provided with accurate information with no agendas behind it so we make the choice that works for us, with full support for that choice.
That's what we should be uniting to push for rather than dividing over the merits of one choice or the other.

Absolutely agree

Maybe I’m just lucky, but breastfeeding was the easiest, most normal and natural thing I did. No problems at all. Baby was hungry or crying? Problem solved immediately with boobie milk! It was nothing like the miserable experience you have described. It’s the best form of nutrition for the baby, and a great way to connect with them as a mother.

I do object to sweeping statements about the psychological make up of 'someone who FF' Vs 'someone who BF'. It creates division and stereotypes just like the premise of this thread did

Some people on this thread have said they chose to FF because they felt anxious about their baby having enough milk (I'm not refering to the posters who clearly had difficulties, before anyone jumps at me). Some will BF because they feel anxious about sterilising etc. you simply can't tell anything about a woman or a baby just by their feeding method.

I just find it odd that a few times across this thread there have been some very odd attempts to psychoanalyse women who chose to BF in a negative light. It wouldn't be acceptable to do so for women who choose to FF and it shouldn't be acceptable to women who choose to BF.

Saying that all other things being equal, breastfeeding is the healthier choice does not equal "criticising other people's parenting".

You've illustrated the problem perfectly. Someone says something thing remotely positive about bf and people like you leap to feeling offended.

I was in the tentatively offer the nipple and see what happens camp (clue: nothing). Then on day 3 at home a midwife came to check me and told me to watch his mouth open then clamp his face to the whole boob "because it's breastfeeding, not nipple feeding and he won't suffocate". Total game changer.

I don’t care how others feed their babies. My decision was the right one for our family - healthy babies = happy parents. Everyone’s decision is the right one for them and whatever you decide doesn’t make you better or worse than someone else .