AIBU to insist my parents book a hotel for their visit?

[WalkBackwards]

We have moved house recently and our parents have been wanting to visit. We have said they can but that they will have to book a hotel as the spare bedrooms aren’t ready yet, or they can wait another couple of months and everything will be done in the house so they can then stay with us.

They asked if there are beds in the spare rooms, which there are, so they suggested one of our children (adult and teenager) could sleep in there and they could have their room. I said no as the spare rooms are messy and being used for storage. They have now messaged our children to ask if they mind sleeping in another room so they can have their bedroom. I called my mum and told her not to do that, we had said no and if they want to visit, they need to get a hotel or wait.

Were we unreasonable to say no to this? My parents plan to visit for 2 weeks at the start of September. My oldest child is only here til just after they plan to leave as he is going back to uni and my teenager needs her own space for studying as she is starting year 13.

I found her parents lack of boundaries quite interesting!
We are not all interested in the same threads.

So, they want a two week holiday exploring the area, in which case suggesting they stay in a hotel is sensible.

Or they want to come and visit your new house and see your son before uni, in which case a three night visit would be fine and they go in the spare room.

Can't you just say that longer than three nights won't work

They were confused because they knew we had already said no so wondered why she was messaging them to ask.

Could they have your room maybe?Its only a couple of weeks, and they may not be able to afford a hotel for 2 weeks .They would appreciate it I think

YABU for making such a confusing thread. They aren’t allowed to sleep in the spare room, they don’t want to sleep in the spare room? It’s weird for family to just not make it work but I can’t work out who’s being overly rigid in this situation.

Can you and DH not have the spare room?

In the past me and DH have slept on a sofa bed to give visiting relatives bedrooms

Can you just go visit them for a day or two? Appreciate they’ll want to see your son before he leaves. Two weeks for a 3 hour journey is amusing - I live overseas (states) from our family and that’s how long they stay when they visit!

YANBU OP. You offered them a spare room, that wasn't good enough for them. Your kids have/need their rooms (which is understandable with studies and getting ready for uni). They go behind your back to try and guilt trip your kids into giving up their rooms (really not on at all, I'd be so cross with this!). If they're not happy to wait until everything is ready/sorted and they're not happy to sleep in spare room (which has a bed in it!), then it would have to be a hotel for them.

FWIW I'd not want my parents (now RIP sadly) to book a hotel if they could stay with me...but then my parents would have happily slept in any room which has a bed in it, and wouldn't have made a fuss (and wouldn't have gone behind my back to guilt trip my kids into giving up their rooms when they have uni and A Level studies to do).

I can't believe people are siding with your parents! They have invited themselves to stay for 2 weeks while you are trying to work, and are being precious about what room they are in, and gone behind your backs when you try and have any say at all in it!? So entitled! No one should have to give up their bedroom for 2 weeks!

Tell them if they don't want a hotel (or better still rental where they can self cater) then they can come for 3 nights max and sleep in the spare room or wait until you are ready for them to stay longer (although I'd never be ready for guests for 2 weeks!). Their choice.

I’d be bloody annoyed that mother messaged the children about swapping rooms when you’d already said it’s not an option! I hope they both declined the idea.
I find it presumptuous of people who expect to visit and get the best out of the deal. And if spare rooms aren’t ready for occupancy then surely that’s final…..end of discussion! Book a hotel FFS!

We are willing to let them sleep in the spare room but they won’t

Fair enough then; you've offered, they've said no so they don't come - or at least not until you've had time to sort the rooms

Hopefully their "formality" and "standards" will be better met at a local hotel, because with their attitude thhat's where I'd personally want them staying in future

Why not offer a compromise?
They come just for a night or two before son goes to uni and your kids will use the spare room. (The kids can draw straws or something.)

Then they can come for a couple of weeks to explore in a few months when the spare room is up and ready for them.

I think my mum gets anxious travelling now so I understand her wanting to visit for longer. I also know they are missing us which is sad. Most people here would visit someone 3 hours away in a day or maybe with an overnight stay but some people do get more anxious travelling as they get older. Not that they are old, they’re only in their 60s.

And out of interest… are they ok with their grandparents taking their room?

I think that there's a lot of truth in the saying that 'guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days'.

Two weeks is a long time to invite yourself to stay in anyone's house, even your own daughter's, especially if you insist on evicting your grandchildren from their bedrooms. They sound rather entitled.

They should either wait until the guest bedrooms have been sorted out enough to meet their high standards, stay in a hotel or stay in the guest bedrooms as they currently are, particularly as they plan to be out exploring the area most days so will only be sleeping in there.

No I meant the Op clearly thinks not even the teeny tiny bit unreasonable and absolutely no intention of changing her request that they book a hotel room

@AggroPotato I fear the visit might be a challenge anyway. When my parents came to stay they said "Oh you two just get on with your wfh, we'll be no bother." Then I swear that every 15 minutes one or the other would be at the office door asking a question: "can you remind me how your shower works"; "do you have any proper milk (full fat)"; "can you move your car, the parking space is quite narrow and I wouldn't want to scrape it"; "is there a bus/train that I can catch to visit the city - how long will it take, do you have a timetable"; "did I show you this photo from aunt Ethel's 90th birthday party". Aaaaarghhh!!!

I know it's not popular on here but I think (especially for a 2 week visit!!) staying in a hotel is the best option. That is what I do when I visit my adult dc. It helps to keep everything cordial for all of us. Their family space is not turned upside down, we're not listening in on the daily domestic mini-dramas, we can all enjoy spending time together, then each retreat to our own spaces. I imagine each of us with a small sigh of relief. And we're a low-drama, low conflict family that get on, and love each other.

Yes we would do that but not in a big house renovation in a new house when there is a shit ton of stuff being stored. Even when my mum had a kitchen extension there was a huge amount of dust and we didn't have people staying while it was being done.

Are there any Air BnB options? Or holiday chalets. You ought to be able to negotiate a discounted rate for two weeks outside school holidays.

When I had some holiday lets we regularly had grandparents stay. They had a base where they could cook and entertain, and were not over-imposing on their family.

When my parents come over, they get a hotel too 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
The house isn’t big. When they are here, us, both (adult) dcs, we can hardly move in the living room.
So yes even though theyre coming from afar (as in a different country, not ‘just’ 3 hours away), hotel it is.
And Tbf too, my parents are like the OP. They want a certain standar for their bed/room which they won’t get in my house 😂😂

Doesnt stop us having a good time together. They spend the whole day with us. Everyone gets up when it’s working for them. I can’t see the issue

I’d be looking in to an air BnB for them. Absolutely not a two week hotel stay

As someone who lived on the streets for a while (aged 16) and learnt to lie down on quite literally anything, it boggles my mind that your parents would refuse to sleep in a spare room, simply because it wasn’t decorated!!! Genuinely baffling and that’s not an exaggeration.
We’ve lived in a new build for 7 years now and my bedroom still isn’t decorated! What slobs we are! 😆

Hi OP,

At first i thought you were being (very slightly) unreasonable but then I read your parents had refused to stay in the spare rooms themselves.

I’d just reiterate they are welcome to come before the rooms are fully finalised if they are happy with that. Otherwise, they should visit once theyre fully ready. Youve given them reasonable options - the choice is up to them. If theyre not happy with the rooms, visit later or book a hotel. If they want to come now and not pay for a hotel, this is the guest accommodation you have available.

I am sure you can appreciate that your perspective on the issue is probably a touch… skewed!!

This is very true. My mum has become more & more like this the older she’s become. Now at 82, she won’t travel any distance at all, more than about 15/20 miles. She never would’ve travelled 3 hours without an overnight stay and tbh neither would I.