AIBU to feel fed up with my husband on holiday?

[Itsa10fromLen]

My god I need to vent! On holiday, OH just cannot come around in the mornings. I know it’s supposed to be a holiday for everyone but how much sleep does one person need? Technically the kids aren’t up so he doesn’t need to be but it’s hard to find a man attractive that needs 10 hours sleep every night and that sets an alarm to sleep through! He also would be upset to miss breakfast (I wouldn’t) so I’m making sure he’s up (I know I should leave him but I can’t stand the grumbling if I didn’t)

And if he tells me he’s sweating and red hot one more time so help me god! Constantly telling us what food he’s had like we can’t see.

I don’t like him, being this close has made that more obvious 😭

If he asks me if I’m having a nice time is it cruel to say no?

OP I’m completely with you! This man would give me the ick!

How does he get up for work at home? So is he lying there and making you deal with the kids in the mornings?
When his alarm goes off can you shake him awake and pull the covers off him? Get all the windows and blinds open etc

He gets up for work begrudgingly. He gets up with about 2 minutes to spare and then moans the whole time he is getting ready whilst I sort our children. I basically run rings around him despite being older.
I know that I need to make a change but my god I just wanted a moan!

Thank you! I don’t believe all these women that are saying they would be fine with it on holiday. It’s not the experience I’m seeing around me! For example, last night I asked him what time he saw himself getting up. He responded that he would
like 8 hours sleep and that took us to 8.30am. I set an 8.30am alarm. I got up, showered, took my tablets, applied sun tan lotion (because when we return from breakfast I’ll be applying the lotion of the kids….again while he has his 2nd toilet visit of the day) and they’ll be keen to get around the pool. I woke him at 9.40am and asked how he was his response was ‘We can’t seem to break this cycle can we?’ I asked for clarification and he meant the getting up late! I then replied that I’ve been up and showered an hour but then the atmosphere is awful because there’s no way to say that without it being defensive. He has already said he’ll need to eat inside in the air conditioned areas today because it’s so hot - why does he insist on these types of holiday then? It is slightly warmer than average but come on! You know what you’re getting in August in Morocco! Arggghhhh.

I can’t fancy him, I don’t think anyone could. I also know it is in me to get rid but I just wanted to rant. Saying I’m popular and that he’s fat was clearly too
much for Mumsnetters though. It is true but obviously I have to be self deprecating and pretend he’s not morbidly obese. (Something I have to listen to him moan about every day.)

I think you’ve had a rough ride of it OP and I think you’re well deserving of a rant!

He sounds like someone who just wants to moan around things he doesn’t like or can’t do, but who has zero interest in improving it. What happens when you give him stuff to do, or ask him what he’s going to do to change his diet or sleep schedule?

@Itsa10fromLen I hope you find the strength to leave. And also to stop people pleasing. It must be exhausting and frustrating.

What was your childhood like? Were your parents controlling? Have you ever delved into why you allow yourself to come second?

I'm the opposite of you in that dh is a lot older. Usually he's up before me usually especially on holiday. We don't miss breakfast though and neither are obese. We're pretty fit.

Sending strength. Don't live your life seething with resentment it's unhealthy.

Thank you! I get it, I came across as defensive and arrogant but I know who I am and I know my worth and what I do EVERY DAY!. I am worth 10 of him in every possible way. I don’t believe that people with young children would be totally cool with an OH that constantly moaned about being fat, constantly moaned about being red hot and that needed this much sleep. He didn’t eat dinner last night as he was pouring with sweat. So this morning I asked him to choose a table that suited him. He STILL walked behind me and wants me to lead everything. But then be an alpha when it suits him. I had to then go and find a table that would suit him (not me). I dare anyone to not find than infuriating! He’s currently eating 4 poached eggs, a toasted cheese sandwich, a crepe and 4 sausages because he’s a bit cooler 😂. But hey we’re on holiday so I should be quiet otherwise he’ll not want to get up and spend time with me according to most of the women in here.

Thanks. I had a difficult childhood, very unhappy, a Dad that had some difficulties let’s say. I know
its a pattern.

Why do you do all the running around though? Especially since you don’t like him and it causes so much resentment. Let him sort himself out. Unless he’s abusive , what’s the worst that can happen? The relationship end? It doesn’t sound like that would be a bad thing. And if he is abusive, and that’s why you’re doing it all, then YOU need to end it anyway.

I understand. I had a controlling df and submissive dm. Very dysfunctional. I fought against him.

Take care and best wishes.

I didn’t really want to get in to the logistics of it all, I just wanted a rant but I will answer. He is a textbook covert narcissist (people will say I can’t say that, I 100% know he is, it is like reading his bio) I own our home outright, we are not married. He does abuse me emotionally. I have been (and maybe still am) trauma bonded. I do not want him, I do not love him, he will not leave. I know I can make him, I do not want the unpleasantness this causes (yet) I hope that day comes. I dream of him leaving me for someone else. Depressing. It isn’t always like this, covert narcs love bomb. In 2-4 days he will be different, it is cyclical.

Oh god I’m the furthest away from a bully you could ever meet!

Sorry about that. I’m just wanting to get up after 8hrs though it’s not quite the same.

I was already on your side before this, but this solidifies it. What exactly is the unpleasantness that's making you not end things, because honestly you're in a better position than you could be. I know ending a relationship when there are children involved adds another layer of difficulty (been there!), but isn't the long-term happiness worth some short-term unpleasantness?

Sound like he has Sleep Apnea and that's why he sets an alarm. He maybe masking deep shame and unhappiness with his weight and relationship.

He maybe trying to be a "people pleaser" just like you, thinking an AI holiday in the sun is what most people enjoy.

If posting earlier, I would have said what were the qualities that made you love him. But I feel you do truly want to murder him on a daily basis now and sadly no amount of counselling is going to salvage this. You have to set each other free.

Oh god how depressing. Has he always been like this? The weight could be causing sleep issues too - does he get sleep apnea or anything?
Id wake him up, put some music on and send the kids to wake him again if needed. He needs to get up and help with getting the kids sorted. It’s not a holiday for you if you’re doing all the work!! He should be done at breakfast with you all and getting in the pool with them .

He would be upset if I went out without him. Why don’t you believe what I am saying? I know why, because it makes no sense! He has a personality disorder. This man wants to get up before 9am, he sets an alarm to get up before 9am but cannot get up before 9am - I’m not lying! He then complains that he didn’t get up. I know that for most people that is completely unbelievable because it is beyond ridiculous but it is the truth. My children are very young, I’m not going to go out knowing they might wake and be with him fast asleep. I can give you a very specific example of how ridiculous he is. This is verbatim:
OH: ‘I’ve really, really missed ear cotton buds.’
Me: ‘You can get them from reception, there were some when we arrived but I used them.’
OH: ‘Oh.’
Me (whilst passing reception): ‘I’ll call and get some more cotton ear buds.’
OH: No I’m not that bothered.’
It’s small I know but it’s everything that’s like this on repeat and it’s draining. When he’s at work obviously I don’t have to deal with it.

Basically he just wants to complain / moan but never wants a solution, my Mum once told me that about my Dad and it was eye opening. They don’t want to fix the problem, they just want to moan at you. I don’t know why, it is difficult for people in relationships with ‘normal’ people to believe or understand. They say ‘just tell him.’ I do!!!! It makes no difference.
I just wanted to rant!

ugh. You need to get out. Send the kids in to wake him up when you get home. Set loud alarms. Don’t let him get away with this.

I get the need of a rant, the issue is it doesn’t actually help, or worse (like you’ve had here) you’re made to be the issue and then you have to keep justifying yourself and still having arguments.

I know it’s incredibly hard, but at the very least, drop the rope. It is not your responsibility to manage him. It really, really isn’t. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it, how you want to do it. He’s miserable and awful to you anyway, you might as well get something (your own enjoyment out of it), because even if you jump through his hoops, things are not actually any better , are they?

So tomorrow morning, don’t set any alarms, fuck that. You wake up when you want, get ready, get the kids ready. Go for breakfast and then the pool. Leave a note if he’s not up. If he wakes but you’re ready, go anyway tell him to join you later. The world won’t end. If he sulks, let him sulk and go off in the pool with the kids, for a walk etc. Give him nothing.

I think he has sleep apnea yes. I do wake him up but I wait until a time that I know he won’t be completely miserable (just a bit miserable 😂) I have been doing my own thing a bit but my children are young and I wouldn’t just go out for hours. I’ve told them we’re having an early night tonight because they don’t want to get up for breakfast (not their fault we’ve been in bed late) and they’re okay with that but I can guarantee you that he will scroll his phone for hours and not be able to get up. If the kids are up I’ll take them to breakfast etc, I’m an independent person I can do stuff alone but I wouldn’t leave them with him for hours - they prefer me because I’ve done all their care their whole life (even when working full time).

I’m not stupid, I know this is a dead relationship but I just wanted to rant. But everyone seems to want to tell you you’re wrong and that you should just leave (it’s my house I’m not sure why women always think it’s the woman that should leave) Mumsnet would have hardly any threads if everyone was a relationship expert and just ended unhappy ones like everyone claims to do and tells you to do.

I do do this. I genuinely do. However, this is the 1st time we’ve let the kids stay up late on holiday (11-12pm) and therefore they have also been late getting up. Last year, I took them to breakfast while he slept. I have no problem with that at all (but he did complain about himself, full of self loathing etc which I grey rocked). I was frustrated yesterday because they were all still asleep and I would never leave them at a time I thought they might wake. I am getting better at not helping him and managing him. I just needed to moan. I was defensive because I 100% know that if I had written a post about whether people felt 10+ hours sleep a night with young children on holiday most people would have said it was a bit excessive. Also, people are offended by the word fat for some reason. It’s just a word. It accurately describes him and his mentality. He just told me he wants some cheesecake, I am currently reapplying sun tan lotion in our children for the 2nd time while he lays on the bed talking about cheesecake. I dare anyone to not feel murderous faced with that.

He most likely does yes. He also is very ashamed of his weight. He has some sort of personality disorder that is definite. I spoke to his Mum and she almost encouraged me to separate from him. He has some trauma and that is sad. It is also not my fault. I do everything. I provide everything in our life that is good. On top of working. The roof over his head is provided by me. He isn’t a people pleaser, he pleases only himself. I don’t think he can help it though, I think a psychologist would have a field day with him.

Just keep going the same way. The more you drop and do things for him, the more manageable it will be. Rage inducing wise , because you know things won’t actually get better. Do not get involved in any of his moans and passive aggressive requests, like the cheesecake and you gave some other examples that are in the same vein. Just tell him “what are you going to do about it then?” If he does his usual spiel that basically amounts to “nothing” tell him you’re busy/you don’t want any/you don’t care so either he sorts it out himself or stop talking to you about it. He actually IS expecting you to fix everything for him, he’s just going in a very roundabout way about it. Which I agree, it is infuriating.

I didn’t really want to get in to the logistics of it all, I just wanted a rant but I will answer. He is a textbook covert narcissist (people will say I can’t say that, I 100% know he is, it is like reading his bio) I own our home outright, we are not married. He does abuse me emotionally. I have been (and maybe still am) trauma bonded. I do not want him, I do not love him, he will not leave. I know I can make him, I do not want the unpleasantness this causes (yet) I hope that day comes. I dream of him leaving me for someone else. Depressing. It isn’t always like this, covert narcs love bomb. In 2-4 days he will be different, it is cyclical.

This really stood out to me and I totally get where you’re coming from. He sounds lazy and infuriating.
I really think you’d be much happier apart. I hope you can get to that point and then live contentedly with your children.
Oh and I quite like your dark humour. I think we’d get on well!

OP, I’m sorry that you are so unhappy and frustrated. It sounds no way to live for you, and I imagine the DC are picking up the vibes. I really hope you find a way to a happier life, even though this will undoubtedly lead to some difficult decisions.