AIBU to expect acceptance when DH declines niece's wedding abroad?

[DestinationForOne]

Dh niece is getting married next year abroad.

MIL seems to be in charge of organising most of it and to be honest is acting like its mostly about her !
She keeps saying how she wants her dc all there as she needs them there etc.

MIL/FIL are offering to pay but only for dh flight and hotel as they want him there as their son and not a husband / father as want his focus ‘on the family for once’.
It’s a 5 day trip.

They don’t know but we have been ttc so we have no idea what next year might look like for us. Dh has declined going and this has cause ww3. We’ve never argued with them before and it’s quite upsetting . AIBU to think they should be more accepting of Dh declining to go?

Every time he speaks to his mum, he just needs to say 'mum, they ARE my family' and then decline again.

Your MIL seems to have forgotten he also has children and wants to spend time, energy and money on his own family!

I think your husband is doing the right thing and should stick to his guns. This ridiculous only MIL's family is actual family when you all have families of your own has to stop.

Because he doesn’t want to. Lots of people love their wives and children and don’t want to leave them

I recommend reading the other posts. The MIL is unhinged. OP has been married for 10 years and they have two DC already. The DC are also not invited because they would distract from his 'family duties'.

I bet your MIL either wore black or bridal white to your own wedding!

Wow your MIL is batshit. How hurtful, and it would colour my view of them. I wouldn't want to spend time with them tbh

I don't think it's necessarily rude when no partners or kids are invited.

Is the niece even bothered about them being there & the no partners/no kids/mil pays is the compromise?

I’m surprised the niece’s groom is invited….

How far away is it and for how long? Tbh I can see all sides, I also think a wedding without partners and kids would possibly be fun and shouldn’t be seen as an insult. (Myself brothers and sisters rarely get to just be family!) Surely if you’re very pregnant or about to have a baby then you can change things? I actually think you’re all being over dramatic- I feel a bit sorry for your dh stuck in the middle of what seems like a war!!!!

Because he doesn’t want to. Lots of people love their wives and children and don’t want to leave them

Lots of people love their spouse and children but aren't joined at the hip.
That's not a proper reason. Do they never do anything apart?

It's not about the cost, they have been told they can't pay for themselves either as they aren't invited, because they aren't family

Not going and missing a family event due to TTC and maybe or maybe not being pregnant is really weird - not like it’s your first child from the sounds of it

I actually think you’re all being over dramatic- I feel a bit sorry for your dh stuck in the middle of what seems like a war!!!!

Me too. My mil was a bit like this 'family' meals out only meaning her kids without their spouses. More than a few of these occasions. We hanger on in- law spouses weren't that bothered, it was a bit of a joke between us tbh.
Can't imagine turning it into this type of drama.

The DC are also not invited because they would distract from his 'family duties'

Maybe they just want a child free wedding and it's being turned into a drama.

Am I getting this right: they are neither paying for you NOR for your 2DCs, so that means they don't see their own grandchildren as family? But their other grandchildren will be there? If so, that is truly shocking.

Not the same as a 5 day trip though.

Op and kids are not invited.

None of the siblings spouses are invited. Not family.

Do you think other guests are allowed to take spouses?
Because if the non family guests can take spouses this seems even weirder.

You ought to have stated in the OP that you already have children and they’re also being excluded. Thats a level of batshittery that I don’t even know how one tackles.

It sounds like controlling nightmare.

You, your dh and the kids are all well out of it!

You're missing the point! He is not going because his family is being excluded from a family wedding because they are not family! That is the weird thing.

This is a good reason to decline all on it's own!

They want a father of two to take five days annual leave and go abroad without his children, to prioritise his niece?

Is the wedding "child free"?

It's extremely unusual to exclude a spouse of ten years from a family wedding invitation where one of the couple is "expected" to attend by said family, even if no children are invited to the wedding.

*edited for typo (abroad/ ahead)

But OP said SiLs kids have 'special status' within those two tiers so it sounds like they might be the exception. If so, that's unforgivable, even more than the already bonkers 'tiered' thinking.

At first I thought the issues was you didn't want to go just because you might be pregnant at that time, in which case, you would be being unreasonable. Then I read you aren't even invited!! Is it a tiny wedding of just the niece, her parents, grandparents and uncles? If so, it's unusual, but understandable. If not, it's pretty rude. You've been with your DH for 15 years; it's not like you're the girlfriend of the month!

You don't need top share with MIL that you're trying to conceive. It's none of her business and it sounds like she's the sort of person who'd ruin your joy/make it all about her anyway. I think you're potentially on rocky ground by DH saying he's not going because they were rude not to invite his whole family. What if she later caves and invites you and the children? Would you agree to go in that case?

Well I've no idea.

Maybe not if MIL is paying!

Lol, they're probably only too delighted to be excluded from this 'OUR family only' crap - as would I!

When the next wedding or funeral comes along, I suggest all you 'OTHER family' members get together for your own celebration, and really put MiL's nose out of joint!