AIBU to expect acceptance when DH declines niece's wedding abroad?

[DestinationForOne]

Dh niece is getting married next year abroad.

MIL seems to be in charge of organising most of it and to be honest is acting like its mostly about her !
She keeps saying how she wants her dc all there as she needs them there etc.

MIL/FIL are offering to pay but only for dh flight and hotel as they want him there as their son and not a husband / father as want his focus ‘on the family for once’.
It’s a 5 day trip.

They don’t know but we have been ttc so we have no idea what next year might look like for us. Dh has declined going and this has cause ww3. We’ve never argued with them before and it’s quite upsetting . AIBU to think they should be more accepting of Dh declining to go?

This is a wild take!

Your MIL still thinks “her” family trumps everything and it’s unreasonable to expect all the family to go on a 5 day holiday without their partners and children.

Some women are like this - see also Victoria Beckham.

You've been married for over a decade and you're not invited to the wedding of your sister in law... your husband is invited by himself to fulfil his role as 'brother ' and 'son'.

That's unhinged. You are close family...you should all be invited. We'd never go in that circumstance. We come as a unit! (For family weddings at least...bit different if it was a colleague of your DH you didn't know very well etc).

I think it’s bonkers that you think that declining a wedding because your wife might be pregnant is unreasonable. I’ll decline a wedding for any reason I want. And it’s a really valid reason to decline anyway. I’m TTC with my wife and we are having to plan ahead next year as if she is pregnant and I promise you there is no one more important than my DW that would mean that I would plan to leave her and go away when she could be heavily pregnant or just given birth

I wouldn’t go to any wedding if my husband wasn’t included. I don’t care if it’s my siblings, I wouldn’t be going. I think it’s incredibly rude to invite someone to celebrate your love and not invite their love too.

I suspect the other partners are happy to sit this one out purely because the MIL and anyone who agrees with her sound absolutely bonkers and unpleasant, really.

So even though you've been married years & have 2 kids already, neither you nor the DC's are 'real family'? So you're not invited to weddings/funerals because you're still not considered family?

I'd venture to suggest that nothing on this green earth will ever get her to consider you or your DC as 'real family'...

Evidently HER blood children are superior to her own kids natural born children as they're still not 'real family', so how come her daughters natural born child IS considered 'real family' then??

Your MIL is obviously absolutely batshit OP, and I'd advise you and your H to recognise that fact, as it will continue to impact you both in the future.

I'd have a chat with DH and ensure all medical/legal stuff has you as the Next of Kin, with particular regard to your DH's will.

Your MIL is the kind who'd actually challenge a will and try to disinherit you and your DC, as you're not 'real family' ffs, so make sure any & all paperwork etc is done by a solicitor & inform them of your concerns about MIL trying to exclude/disinherit you & DC, should your DH die before you.

That is an instant no I’m not coming all on its own. You and the kids not invited?? No way would a decent husband go.

So you're not invited and neither are his brothers' wives, and you've been married 10 years?

I think that's reason enough for DH to decline and to explain that's exactly why.

If you didn’t invite your child’s partner to family weddings then you’d be lucky to see your child again if they are a decent person who values their spouse, so them not coming to a wedding is minor in the scheme of things.

Are your DC MIL’s grandchildren? Utterly bizarre attitude if so.

Anyway, I think the TTC part it a bit irrelevant because you/he could always bail later if the due dates made it impossible. It’s very unreasonable to demand that he leaves his wife with two young kids for five days for a family wedding that - at the very least - you as wife should be invited to.

Are other children and/or spouses coming or is it a micro wedding with literally just parents and siblings?

It sounds like you and your DH have have gone along with it for a while to be reasonable which I understand . What you now are experiencing it the pushback when for once and for good reason you cant just jog along with the bonkers ways.

This is when you see how compltaely un-F*u%king reasonable they are and how batshit crazy your MIL and FIL are. MN was my life line when this all kicked off for us. It was strangley heart warming to know we were not the only ones.

We did not go no contact or greyrock lol but we did find "No" and it was liberating. Dont give in it will get worse but it will be better in the end!!

Your MIL has main character syndrome! Of course your husband should prioritise his own family, why on earth wouldn't he.
Just because the other wives are ok with this bizarre setup (are they really?) doesn't mean you and your husband have to be.

Why would they exclude you ? Is it a money issue ? If say I can go but I will be bringing my wife cos she is my family

My Grandad used to say he was only paying for “blood” and not “hangers on” at family events 😂. Hangers on being those who married in. We thought this was pretty shocking at the time but your MIL puts him to shame OP! At least Grandad invited everyone!

You arent my family unless you've come out of (or into...) My vagina is so weird its bordering on creepy.

He really needs to explain to her that "his family" is his wife and kids. Then his parent and siblings, then their children. When people say "how's the family" they're not asking about his niece, they're asking about his own kids. His family home is the one that his wife and children live in.

Even if you and the kids were invited I wouldn't go, it's alot of money to commit to something you're hoping/planning to have to miss. You could say you'll have to wait until nearer the time to make a decision.

But I wouldn't go on a 5 day family holiday without my husband and kids.

MIL/FIL are offering to pay but only for dh flight and hotel

Well he's the only one invited so that's why I should think!

If he's not willing to go without you & the kids then it's immaterial that you are ttc.

If he really wanted to go I might think about delaying the ttc/him going for less than 5days.

I think it sounds like they are trying to have a small wedding ...is that why no partners?

If mother-in-law only wants direct line descendants attending the wedding, is the potential groom allowed to be there?

They are weird. I hope your DH continues to stand his ground.

Because if I’m pregnant or have a newborn (wedding is June)

Unless the wedding is within a couple of weeks of your due date I can't see why he wouldn't go. It's really unlikely. You're not even pregnant yet. It sometimes takes longer than you expect. You can't turn down an important family event on a 'what if' Surely he can go on his own. He can say he's going and then in the unlikely event of you becoming pregnant with a due date falling in the middle of the wedding then nobody would blame him for dropping out. Won't happen though.

If marrying into the family means you are second tier and not invited then by her own logic she shouldn't be there!

He is right to decline. What a rude invite to exclude his wife and children. No class.

I think the thread would have gone differently if you'd opened with this. Bloody hell. Not invited? Fuck that.

talking in such a way about the dc ‘well of course if THEY are there it’ll ruin it and you won’t have time for anyone else’ and things like that just rude

Whilst the words are a bit rude, the concept is understandable. Is it a child free wedding? Were the definitely the words used? I know I've said about my own children when they were little that it's best they don't go to x wedding because it'll cause more hassle than it's worth. Might just as well not go.