AIBU to expect acceptance when DH declines niece's wedding abroad?

[DestinationForOne]

Dh niece is getting married next year abroad.

MIL seems to be in charge of organising most of it and to be honest is acting like its mostly about her !
She keeps saying how she wants her dc all there as she needs them there etc.

MIL/FIL are offering to pay but only for dh flight and hotel as they want him there as their son and not a husband / father as want his focus ‘on the family for once’.
It’s a 5 day trip.

They don’t know but we have been ttc so we have no idea what next year might look like for us. Dh has declined going and this has cause ww3. We’ve never argued with them before and it’s quite upsetting . AIBU to think they should be more accepting of Dh declining to go?

It wouldn't bother me. The expense of going abroad with kids .. for me I would want a holiday.

To use precious annual leave for an abroad wedding .. no thank you.

I would happily be letting them pay for the flights and breathing a sigh of relief.

But... This has become one side versus another side.... And maybe the straw breaking the back... So think it through.

I also found living my life around possible pregnancy exhausting.

She's not invited

Well, yes, a no should always be accepted. However, I don't understand why he has said no? You can't put your life on hold and decline living your life just because you don't know what the future looks like.

They’re incredibly offensive and your DH is right not to go. Sounds like MIL is trying to cling on to her nuclear family as though they’re all still children.

DH needs to stick to his guns.

He doesn’t owe his DN any explanation aside from thanks for the invitation but I am unable to attend.

He should continue to communicate solely with DN about it, bypassing MIL. If she mentions it he says “I have squared it all with DN”

She sounds dreadful. I would be very LC with her.

I always think people who have this view of family are very odd. The people (like your MIL it sounds like) who view themselves as the key figure, and everyone outside of that direct line (ie her children in law) isn’t part of it. But I assume she’d be spitting feathers if, say, her in laws (like her husband’s sibling for example) didn’t include her in an invitation.

ETA - also, what role of “son” does he need to play at this wedding! His mother’s granddaughter is getting married. She doesn’t him there to provide specific support that will be disrupted by the presence of his wife and children. Uncle of the bride is not a key wedding role. (Even if it was I’d still think OP should be invited, but this just makes it particularly ridiculous)

While I could just about understand ILs only offering to pay for DH - that fact that you and your children are not invited seems outrageous. Agree with @SereneFinch that it’s like MIL is on some weird retrospective mission about having ’all her children’ with her - when surely weddings are a time to celebrate the expansion of her family!
Id leave this one to DH - he clearly feels he doesn’t want to comply. There will be subsequent pressure from MIL for a substantial gift for niece and who knows what - so best to state his position now and leave MIL to splutter.

This is 100% a valid reason not to go. DH should say quite bluntly that his roles as father and husband are his main priorities and although he values his roles as son/brither/uncle they are secondary and engineering situations to force him to choose will always result in him choosing his children and his wife. That's how it works. Their approval and consent is not required. They do not have the right or the power to make him leave you coping solo if you might be dealing with complications from pregnancy, nor do they have the right to know the personal information about you and your health that would explain the details to them, because they are not in control and their approval and consent is not required.

He's right in saying no. What a weird family dynamic
Maybe if he finally stands up to them they will stop this behaviour going forwards.

After this argument and how rude MIL is being, if you get pregnant and are due around the same time as the wedding they will think you did it on purpose and planned it to be exactly like that! The narrative will be you are stealing SIL / Nieces limelight.

I too would go LC with the PILs. It’s unacceptable of them to treat you and your children as not even being part of the family, especially if they idolise their niece. I’d want to keep my children far away from this toxicity.

She told dh that he mustn’t pay for us to go as we are literally not invited!

If my mum told me that my DH wasn't invited to my nephew's wedding as he [DH] wasn't family I would be telling her that she had burned her boats with that comment. And including her grandchildren in that Not Family bracket..? She can do one! I wouldn't be engaging with her again.

No idea what the rest of the family members - including wives and children of DH's brothers - think about this as it sounds like OP hasn't heard anything directly from them, only her MIL's assurance that they are OK with it. I'm not sure I would believe that frankly.

If this exclusion is DH's niece's idea rather than MIL's, I'd be cutting her too. Amazing how some people carry on!

Has that not driven you mad over the years? Why have you always done exactly what she wants? That’s mad. If this is the first time you’ve refused to comply, it’s no wonder she’s kicking off, but you are absolutely right. Two tier family indeed!

He's allowed not to want to go for any reason whatsoever. Or even no reason at all. Your MIL is being unreasonable. Your DH is an adult and she has no right at all to tell him he 'must' do anything, from attending a wedding to mowing a lawn.

He has said no. She has to accept it.

It's his niece of course he doesn't have to go if it doesn't suit him

Maybe he doesn’t want to without his wife and kids who are not invited?

Wow, MIL sounds so controlling! And her family's vibe is toxic af.

You and your DC are not invited to niece's wedding so that DH can 'focus on the family'. Well, you and your DC are his primary family now, so none of you will be going as he will be focusing on you.

As for MiL saying that "all of the other wives and partners understand" - they're probably all relieved not to have to go, and be around her! Or they are all just conditioned to go along with her bullshit.

It sounds like your DH has gone along with years of her manipulating and controlling him and his siblings, but has finally decided to stand up to her. Hurrah! Long may it last...

Eta - of course they should accept with good grace DH declining, but they won't because the family dynamic has been MiL says 'jump' and everyone asks 'how high'?
Expect her to turn up the guilt tripping, and she will probably turn vitriolic towards you as she will blame you for her son not attending.
You will both need to stand firm, and I would suggest going very LC moving forward.

Could he accept and go on his own but not for the full 5 days. On the face of it that would seem a reasonable compromise.

If he doesn’t want to go that’s fine but of course the chances of you having a newborn in June is not hugely likely and you’ll know in the next 2
months whether that’ll happen. I don’t see the issue in him being away when pregnant though.

I think if he doesn’t want to go then fine but I would only consider not going due to having baby if that actually happens (can he provisionally say yes and then pull out?)

But he is focusing on the family. His family. His wife and children are his primary family and they should come first.

This isn't the first 'family only' post I've seen recently. I wonder where people think family starts and ends.
He is putting his family first, his wife and children are his family too.

I don’t think you can expect acceptance as MIL sounds slightly unhinged! Focus ‘on the family’ you are family! Part of DH’s and MIL’s!! She’s being absolutely ridiculous and I rarely get in on the no contact thing but after this I’d be limiting contact with them as they are showing how little they value you and your children as part of the family!!

Are none of the extended family invited?

So if it’s DH niece will the other parent of the niece not be invited? As they won’t be ‘family’ they’ll be a married in like you!!

I think he should be there and whilst it would be nice for them to pay for you all there must be a reason why they can’t. I would be deeply deeply hurt if one of my children didnt come to a siblings Childs wedding and I’m not sure I could accept it. Declining because you maybe could be pregnant or have a new baby seems rather premature. Deal with that if and when it happens.