AIBU to expect acceptance when DH declines niece's wedding abroad?

[DestinationForOne]

Dh niece is getting married next year abroad.

MIL seems to be in charge of organising most of it and to be honest is acting like its mostly about her !
She keeps saying how she wants her dc all there as she needs them there etc.

MIL/FIL are offering to pay but only for dh flight and hotel as they want him there as their son and not a husband / father as want his focus ‘on the family for once’.
It’s a 5 day trip.

They don’t know but we have been ttc so we have no idea what next year might look like for us. Dh has declined going and this has cause ww3. We’ve never argued with them before and it’s quite upsetting . AIBU to think they should be more accepting of Dh declining to go?

I know it’s bonkers. My sons are my priority a lot of the time but their partners are their priority and that’s absolutely right.

I can’t imagine ever doing this. It wouldn’t enter my head. How crazy to consider your own grandchildren not part of your ‘real family’.

Well it’s nice that you thought it was great

I didn't think it was 'great'. I simply wasn't bothered by it. Neither were any of the other spurned spouses.

But the OP’s husband is bothered.

I got married overseas, my parents and siblings flew half way around the world for a long weekend, the rest of the family stayed, one s-i-l with a two month old baby. It wasn't a destination wedding and them coming meant the world to me, my wife and her family. I'd try to make it work for a few days.

How is the MIL even involved in the invitations for her granddaughter’s wedding? When we got married, we discussed the list with our parents only.

But he doesn’t want to go? That’s the consequence of deciding to not invite his wife and kids. People have autonomy and they can decide not to go to things for whatever reason. If my DN was getting married abroad I would absolutely expect that she would be able to recognise that a lot of people won’t want to come. Destination weddings are lovely but they’re a lot of effort for guests. A neice’s wedding to me is low on the list of what I would make an effort to attend. 1 hour drive and my wife’s invited, yeah fine, an international flight, 5 days leave and my family aren’t invited. No thanks

I bet you didn’t prohibit your siblings from bringing their spouses or children though.

But the OP’s husband is bothered

And I think that's being a bit dramatic. This is AIBU.

I got married abroad, I invited only 20 close friends and family but I told them all not to feel obligated to come and had expected that none would. If we did it alone, I’d still have been happy. We had 6 attendees, it was lovely. But I didn’t even invited aunts and uncles because I never would’ve expected people to spend their time and money and I didn’t judge anyone for not comjng

Your MIL is so weird. You don’t invite people to funerals. So you turned up and she deemed it odd because it was ‘family only’. If I was your DH, I would be starting to push away from what is an incredibly strange dynamic. So if your DC gets married in the future; your MIL would expect the only people to be there is her own sister and her niece (no partners including the one the niece is about to marry?). It is so so odd.

People don't choose to be born into a bonkers family. If they're a wet lettuce about them and continue to the bonkers give them a wide berth. But if they know their family is bonkers and stand up to it then why is it a problem?

Oh wait strike that, it’s your DH niece so technically the same generation as your own children. So in future, niece will be excluded from your children’s weddings (should your MIL logic stack up). Does she not see how weird that is?!

There are other teenage grandchildren so your theory may well be tested.

Although maybe MIL won't be as interested in their guest lists as they aren't core family to begin with.

Perhaps a little morbid of me, but I dread to think how inheritance conversations will pan out...

Is her name Peggy Mitchell ?

I disagree. If you know you don't intend to go then it's pointless playing elaborate games or being flaky later on. That really would be borrowing trouble. Better that everyone knows the score right off the bat and can plan accordingly.

Not wanting to go is a perfectly legitimate reason, albeit OP's DH isn't obligated to share it. Were I in his shoes, and had danced around MiL's golden child dynamic surrounding his DSis and her DD for most of my life, I probably wouldn't want to attend either. And that's okay. It's only a wedding: hardly the crime of the century. And it's a wedding that's going to cost time, resources and precious annual leave to attend: time that he might have preferred to expend elsewhere.

There's no necessity for people to twist themselves in knots over these simple situations, or to struggle so much saying a polite but firm 'no'.

"MIL/FIL are offering to pay but only for dh flight and hotel as they want him there as their son and not a husband / father as want his focus ‘on the family for once’."
"For once"? I'm very pleased to see that your husband's focus is on his wife and children, and not his mother. Always pleasing when a man is not a Mummy's Boy. Well done your husband! (Although I'll bet her 'for once' is an exagerration.)

Your MIL is not only rude but demented, and seems to see herself as a matriarch who need only snap her fingers and the whole family (by which she means those blood-related to her) must jump. Well, no - there's no 'must' about it. As your husband has just made clear.

"Yes we usually agree with most things and he’s pretty upset they are saying he needs to focus on the family as he regularly does !"
When you "usually agree", is it actual agreement or agreeing for the sake of peace? On the occasions when you haven't agree, what has MIL's reaction been before?

"The issue is that his sister is by far the favourite and her dd has an elevated position in the family so they think everyone should drop everything and be there to celebrate her."
And there's the nub of it.

"We’ve been together 15 years married 10"
And yet you are still not 'faaaaaammmmly' in the eyes of his mother.

The only thing your husband can do is hold firm. His mother is totally in the wrong here, and can frankly go swivel. You and your joint children are his family, and his mother's inability to see that is her problem and hers alone. She most certainly does not get to make it your or your husband's problem. He's said 'no', and the 'no' stands.

It's undoubtedly upsetting to confront the reality that your mother sees you only as a child to be ordered about, and not as the independent adult you are; but - that's the reality she has now made clear to him.

Thats so rude. Tell them to fuck off.

Just thought of something else I should have said in my minor essay I left earlier - MIL might also want to think about the message it gives to the poor guy that is marrying into the family - its a bit unwelcoming really and painting a clear picture of what he should expect in the future,

Only DH is invited.

Thats proper madness. So does she just not see your children then because they are not her family? I think my mum (and my PIL when they were around, bless them) loves our children more than they loved us!