AIBU to expect acceptance when DH declines niece's wedding abroad?

[DestinationForOne]

Dh niece is getting married next year abroad.

MIL seems to be in charge of organising most of it and to be honest is acting like its mostly about her !
She keeps saying how she wants her dc all there as she needs them there etc.

MIL/FIL are offering to pay but only for dh flight and hotel as they want him there as their son and not a husband / father as want his focus ‘on the family for once’.
It’s a 5 day trip.

They don’t know but we have been ttc so we have no idea what next year might look like for us. Dh has declined going and this has cause ww3. We’ve never argued with them before and it’s quite upsetting . AIBU to think they should be more accepting of Dh declining to go?

Extremely weird. You and your DC are ‘family’ too.

You are missing the point totally. It is his niece's wedding not his sisters and it has got nothing to do with cost, they are not invited! The MIL is not being generous she is being controlling. Read the actual post before commenting FFS!

Huge shout out to your DH. So often on MN we read about dead beat husbands, and MIL threads are full of "You have a DH problem" (correctly so). Here's a DH who is doing the right thing. Good on him.

Just grey rock MIL. Say, "We've made our decision - thank you" and refuse to engage any more. Follow up with "I'm sorry you're disappointed but we won't be changing our minds" if she continues. Your MIL sounds awful! You ARE a part of the family, and her two tier family recognition is incredibly rude and divisive.

Are people for real?

She's excluded you from the wedding. She wonders why WW3 has broken out.
Let it break out, just carry on your life.

How cares if your niece is getting married abroad either, it's her choice. It's an invite, not a summons

People who get married abroad should not expect everyone to dance to their tune

It's an invitation not a summons and mil needs to butt out anyway. Not her wedding . I bet neice isn't too worried

Some families are awful. No tact, no respect and wonder why it goes wrong.

Your MIL is weird and controlling and in your place I'd think myself lucky not to be invited Op, 5 days stuck with her would be way too long. Your MIL only wants your DH there to fulfil her perfect family picture, so if he doesn't want to go then good for him

Reasonable for them not to pay for you but not to invite you at all is very rude.

Very unfair on your husband, forced to choose between his wife and his Mother. He needs to make it clear to your Mother that he chooses you every time or she'll make your lives a misery.

So the Grandmother & Grandfather of your 2 children do not want them at a family wedding, in fact their cousins wedding ? Why not turn up with the children in the most beautiful bridesmaidy dresses on the day (without warning) - would the grooms family see what cruel horrible vindictive people they all are and think twice of marrying in to a crap family. 😜Have your other sisters and brothers in law been beaten down into submission over the years by MIL ?

Well done to your DH for standing up to his mum on this. Your MIL is batshit. Unfortunately my sister is just like your MIL. She tries to run everyone's lives and to her, family is her husband, her two adult DC and their children. Basically the rest of us are just outsiders, including her siblings. I find it very strange but some people are just like this.

I think you mean ‘burned her bridges’

I'd be telling MIL to do one.

If she is such a nasty piece of work that she wants to prioritise one grandchild over all the others, then you will never get through to her.

Sounds like she is desperately trying to keep the dynamic of the 'golden child' going.

Don't expose your dc to her batshittery.

This is what happens with destination weddings, unfortunately.

The bride and groom can host their celebrations where they like. What is not acceptable is for them or their parents to kick off because this inevitably means some people won't be able to attend.

It's only a wedding, but these occasions really do show up some people's behaviour in the worst possible light. Not to mention, if DSis is the golden child then in DH's position I'd have absolutely no interest in further enabling this dynamic.

YANBU, OP. Not in any way.

She does not view her son's children as her family?
Fuck not going to the wedding, I would be out of her life for good if my mum told me my children didnt qualify as family.

Sweetjesus I’ve never heard of such a thing. The sooner this woman is put in her place the better. How dare she?

You only gave mil's word all the others are fine with her demands.

We have two sons. One has a wife, one a partner. They are both equally part of our family as are their children.

This. Nice to see he has his priorities straight

Your MIL is bonkers (plus rude, controlling and obnoxious). Give the whole thing zero head space and distance yourself from her craziness

They sound awful and very controlling. Sounds similar to how I've been treated by in-laws and husbands siblings. Together 22 years, married for almost 17, a child and I'm still not part of the family apparently 🙄 my DH has actually gone no contact now for this reason because he's sick of how they treat me and he has told them we come as a package or not at all. Tbh life is much easier and peaceful without them in it! I'm not suggesting this for yourselves, as it's a big decision (and one my DH made alone, I had no influence and was pretty shocked when he told me that's what he decided ), I'm just giving my own experience of in-laws and for you to know your not alone, it does happen.
Good for your DH sticking by you and sticking to his guns by not going, don't let them control either of you.

I don’t see an issue with paying for just him. Wanting him there for a specific role.

And MN is always very hot on you can invite who you like to things.

However it’s absolutely anyone’s right to decline an invite. It should be that rather than a summons.

And whilst I wouldn’t judge a DH/P going to a family event or stag do etc and leaving the DW/P at home it’s also good to see one who will decline because they don’t neat to leave their family - or in your case it’s not the right time.

I think all you can do in this situation is OP is support your DH whilst he deals with the backlash. He doesn’t owe them an explanation about his sex life and TTC - actually he doesn’t owe them any explanation beyond it doesn’t work for him.

But no one needs a reason. That way, there's little need for anyone to ruminate on whether other people's motivation seems strange or not.

You're mother in law sounds like she's so self absorbed. I can't get over excluding other halves and grandchildren (if old enough) to attend a family funeral- how controlling and self obsessed is she. She's extremely controlling and I'm suprised the family hasn't fallen apart before now.

Good luck OP with ttc 🥰

So basically your niece is getting married and only your dh has been invited, not you or yours and dhs dc?

Yeah my husband wouldn’t want to go either .

She says the other wives/partners "understand?"
Nah, more like they've got the full measure of her and would rather chew their own arms off than go.

But it would be normal for his wife and children to be invited. (Unless it’s a child free wedding)

In that case it's quite cheeky of them if you're not even invited. If he would rather not go he doesn't have to.

MIL has 5 children so very costly to pay for spouses and their kids. I see her point.