To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

I'm assuming OP's DH isn't on the thread? I used to say 'my house' when I was a kid, even though it was in my mum's name and my mum and dad were paying the rent. DS is MY son, his dad can feck off.

Our Son is named after a friend and his first name has been used by both sides of his father's family. His second name is his father's name. My MIL was happy and so was my DH.
Our daughter was given a name we both liked and my MIL first name. Everyone was happy again.
it just shouldn't be this dramatic.

Yes that comment gave away a lot.

Maybe they were thinking next baby can have his side. But honestly if her dh doesn’t really like the names on his side, or has a difficult relationship with them, then don’t use them. If I hadn’t liked my dad’s name I wouldn’t have used it as a middle name. If I’d had girls they wouldn’t have got my mum’s name as I don’t really like it.

Unless this is down to different cultures, this family naming malarkey seems more trouble than it’s worth.

@TwinklyPosterAgatha is the MOST old fashioned name ever

Nah, I've had my babies. What I didn't do was get into power conflicts with my MIL, call her "obsessed" or that she'd "contaminate" her grandchild and that if she hated the name, don't turn up to visit.
The OP is 37 not 19.

You were right to say something this early on op, whether is was snappy or not, you have hopefully put her in her place enough to not try to cross boundaries again, saved yourself years of trouble. Well done for not taking any shit. Congratulations on your lovely new son.

I read this as clearly every other woman in the family has got the measure of this MIL… she has a fave child (eww), isn’t kind to any of her DIL’s and is now completely in the way and omni present during ‘golden child’ s first weeks of being a dad. She sounds unbearable: overbearing and unkind. I don’t blame OP for wanting to keep her distance.

So the kid has 4 names - 3 after your family and from father’s side.

So yes it does feel unbalanced. But from child’s point of view, why would you give a child born in 2026 a name from 1940s? Kids are not born to honor senior family members. There must be other ways to honor them.

Is your sibling going to have a son too?

If that’s the case why is she trying to have a relationship practically harassing me all the time. I have nothing in common with a woman that is over 40 years older than me and is disliked by her children and their partners. She is only interested in our son because she feels it gets back at her other children. Neither I nor DH would care if she chose not to see our son, she has 7 other grandchildren she barely sees and who barely know who she is

"Pick up on” were the actual words.

You offered not a word of constructive advice, just jumped in the bash a new mother with the temerity to use the word “my” in the context of new baby.

Like you, your MIL is entitled to her feelings. And I can imagine why she’s upset with both names coming from your side (of course your family is thrilled!)

She shouldn’t keep banging on about it of course but I think acknowledging her feelings might help.

congratulations on the new baby!

Isn’t it your surname too?

But even that aside, you’ve incorporated 3 of your family names v 1 of his, and the bit that’s his is standard practice is most families. Your husband has said he is ok with it but my incredibly nonchalant, laid back husband would have said the same and yet I know he would have felt a little put out. His mum wouldn’t have said anything to me, but she would have to him (and probably to everyone else).

You can name your baby anything you want. You can respond to your MIL however you want. She is out of line to bring it up so often with you. But when you say you already don’t get on, I think avoiding poking the bear in this situation might have been a wiser course of action. Your family are delighted at the inclusion, is it too much for you to realise the opposite reaction might have come from her?

Yes she is she chose to find out the gender. He already has a name, his first name is our grandfathers name. Her MIL doesn’t care all she wants is a healthy baby. She too is using a double barrel name her maiden name and her husbands surname.

It’s funny to read all the posters bring up in arms because they chose two names from the OP side Incl having both her family name and her dh name.
Yet no one seems to think that the fact her DH thought it was ok is important.

Nope it’s all the OP’s fault, not her dh, who is MIL son after-all. Nope not him. He hasn’t been insulting his own mother with those choices etc…. It is all some sort of revenge from tge OP. Couldn’t be her dh wanting to distance himself from the golden child role he doesn’t want.

And I can imagine why she’s upset with both names coming from your side
The baby's surname incorporates the other side. The OP's DH didn't want the baby named after his own father.
Honestly, anyone who gets upset about this, let alone goes on and on about it, just doesn't have enough going on in their lives and needs a hobby.

I don't know - it's all a bit slightly AIBU.

Only one side of the family was included, which doesn't seem even.
Yes you can name your kid what you want but it would probably appear that you got your way even if your husband was involved.
Yes your MIL was probably hurt and spoke about it too many times.
Yes you acted like a five year old in your response.

No one is exactly covered in glory but whether you like it or not, she is the baby's grandmother and your husbands mother so will be involved....

And OP had never even mentioned her dh at that point so it was perfectly ok to say my son. Albeit she did refer to him after saying my son but it’s hardly crime of the century.

Only one side of the family was included, which doesn't seem even.
Can people not read?
The baby also has a name from the other side of the family.

In the context of an adult woman demanding to enter their house daily to rant about their choice of names? That is the behaviour which is weird, not stating that its too much.

Add in the seven other grandchildren in whom she shows little interest and historic issues in her treatment of DH vs his siblings - really is that what you want to be dealing with at a point where you are getting no sleep, recovering from birth and dealing with sore nipples?

Anyone visiting a new baby should be mindful that they help rather than make life more difficult.

My DC have both of our surnames too, largely because I didn’t want to lose my surname when we married so I kept my own and DH kept his, DC then have both- makes sense. We have one DS whose middle name is my Grandad, one whose middle name is DH’s Grandad. Fair and equal I’d say. I can’t imagine anyone in either family being offended by our name choices, your MIL sounds overbearing.

As for the use of an older name, it was quite a fashionable thing to do a few years ago. I distinctly recall names like Agatha, Mabel, Ivy etc making a big comeback when they are of course associated with older ladies. It’s always the case tbh, trends come and go. Some names never make a comeback but many do then some interestingly stick around forever like Thomas, Edward, Ava etc.

Sounds like a sign of things to come, OP, if she feels justified in haranguing you like this just after you have given birth.Just agree on a bland ststement that you and your husband can repeat to shut her down any time she attempts to raise his name.And, more importantly, cherish this precious, fleeting time with your baby and husband and don't indulge any pushy people who feel they "ought" to be able to visit.

So they have chosen a family name - which is the same one you chose for a middle name for your son.

I'm clearly in the minority but I have some sympathy for your MIL. You're gushing about how thrilled your dad was, what an honour it is etc but seem blind to the fact that the inverse of this is also true. I think it was pretty thoughtless to use another family name from your side for the middle name - I think this is really poor. You're basically saying that your family deserves to be recognised twice, and DH's family doesn't even deserve to be recognised at all.

Normally I would say your child, your choice, but when you choose to use family names you can't be surprised when said family has a view on it, for better or worse.