DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Have you told him ‘ that’s nice for you you’re happy with the family you have as long as I do more parenting, but I won’t be there as I want children of my own, and I don’t like men faking me into support roles for their life. I did more than enough looking after your children and you know it. Thank you for the good times but best we don’t see each other again.

I met my husband at 35, first kiddo 36 and 8 weeks off my 2nd at 37. You have so much time.

you cannot ride two horses at once, as you've only got one arse

😂😂😂

I think it's worth talking to him more about this change of heart and what has prompted it. If he means it and it's not a wobble, unfortunately, you owe it to yourself to leave him and try to meet someone with the same goals. This will be difficult if you love him, but imagine how you will feel being expected to be a stepmum as his kids become teens and grow up, and you don't have your own. That feeling will not go away.

I met DH when I was 30 - I hadn't even had a long term boyf at that stage and had no idea if I would ever meet a life partner to have a family with. So I remember feeling like I should be 'sorted' by 30 but I very much wasn't, and neither were many of my friends. We had dc when I was 35 and 37, no problems with conception - we were very lucky.

It boils down to him wanting you to do more, so that he can do less.

You taking some time for yourself means him having to entertain them on his own.

I have my kids the majority of the time and I look after them by myself, which is no hardship as they are my children. If I introduce a new partner to them, I won’t be expecting him to pick up a share of my parenting responsibilities.

When my ex looks after them, I don’t expect him to foist them off on his girlfriend. I hope she is friendly and thoughtful towards them, but she’s not their parent and doesn’t need to act like she is.

I was first of my uni mates to have a baby - at 33, most of my friends were 35+ with a good few babies in early (and late) 40s.

You dont need to be engaged tp have a baby - that can come after and when you're older there's less dicking around so not the same 'timeframe' as when you're younger. So the sooner you ditch the more time you'll have...ditch then do something out your comfort zone to meet new people snd have fun so youre not wallowing or likely to ho back to him?Could you go travelling or do a language course abroad for a couple of weeks? I always think eat, love, pray is good inspo for going it alone!

He is rowing back from having more children. He's thought about the practicalities and he's been there done that and got the tshirt and doesn't want to do it all over again. It's sad for you but at least he's been honest. Time to call it a day. Waste of time if what you want is a baby.

I broke off my engagement at 30, after 7 years together, when his actions continued to contradict his promises.
I had my son at 33. Like a previous poster, that relationship didn't last and I was almost definitely rebounding, but unlike that PP, he is actually a decent man and a very good father.
I am far, far happier as a single/co-parent than I was childless but engaged.

I promise you have time. I’ve been exactly where you are, 29 and suddenly single. Terrified that I’d missed the boat, watching all my friends start to get married and have babies. Dating in London was diabolical. Then I met my now husband at 32 and suddenly everything made sense. First baby at 36 and just had another at 39. Life is wonderful and I wish my 29 year old self could see how it all worked out. You will be ok, you will meet someone who is desperate to have children with you, you will realise how much of a bullet you’ve just dodged!

My DIL was single at 34, met my son at 35 (he is a bit younger), married at 36, had the first child at 37, and the second one just now at 39. Everything went smoothly and she is a happy and loving mother. They make a wonderful family!

It is entirely feasible. However, to ease your anxiety and just in case any issues arise, you could consider to have some eggs frozen. There is a cost involved, but that doesn't seem like it would be a problem for you.

You are very young, do not lose any more time on that twat.

It's tough but at least he told you before you'd moved in & got married etc.
I didn't meet DH until I was 29,married at 32, 1st child at 34 & 3rd at 39. You have time to meet someone else who can give you the family you want.

Find someone closer to your own age

Ah I feel really bad and sad for you, OP . It's easy for us older folk to look at your situation and say you need to leave him etc . But that is VERY hard when you are 29 and probably see many of your peers thinking about starting families.
The thoughts of getting back on the dating scene must be awful .
It's also sad that maybe you and him are a great combination and that IF he had met you first and had children with you that you would have lived happily ever after !
But the right thing to do now is leave him, and that is incredibly difficult . It's also likley he might come after you and agree to have a child with you. But who knows how that would end up ? The biggest 'red flag' in your OP is him feeling you should parent his kids more when it sounds like you go way beyond already !!
I feel really sorry for you and I hope you look back in ten years time and realise that you made all the right ( difficult ) decisions !

Thank goodness you haven't moved in together !

How dare he !
' DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. '

so happy for a nanny with a fanny but not will to have a baby with her and let her become a Mummy.

Find your anger, how dare he treat you like that and speak to you like that.

You might think you are old to be starting all over again but thrust me and thousands of Mums on MumsNet -- you have plenty of time !!!

I had not even met dh at 29, but by the time I was 45 I was a mum of 3 the eldest being 10 with very ' sensible ' age gaps between them all.

This. It’s always been a trap.

He might back-track but it will not end well. You may even end up having a baby but you will be the one doing all the work. He may even throw ig back in your face and remind you that he never wanted this baby.

There are plenty more fish in the sea. Find someone closer to your age who doesn’t already have kids. If you’re worried about the clock ticking, egg freezing is an option.

I don’t think poster meant to say op didn’t love him enough. I think they were trying to say deep down her subconscious wants kids more than him, so she should pursue that. I didn’t see it as a criticism of op or her intentions but maybe I am wrong.

I’m sorry for your heartbreak. It is the time of your Saturn return. Really hard but you can come out wiser and more complete.

OP, I feel so much for you because this is a heart-breaking situation.

There is a chance that, if you give him an ultimatum, eg marriage and conception within a year or you leave, he may agree. But would he keep his promise, would he keep extending the deadline, would he bitterly resent you if he went through with it? Would you end up hating each other? Would you soon be a single parent?

You're not even living together yet. You find out a lot more about a person when you live together and see them every day in all their different aspects.

He's already made step-parenting demands on you while expecting you to accept you may not have children of your own. That's a big red flag for selfishness.

But at least he's told you, so you can make an informed decision, unlike many Mumsnetters whose partners have strung them along for years until they are no longer fertile.

Painful though it will be, I would get out now before he's sweet-talked you into 'giving it more time'. Time is still on your side now, but it won't be for long.

Move on. To start because he wants you to take on his childcare duties so even if you had children he would be a lazy dad. You still young enough.

Move on right now.

So your DP was 30/31, ie not a stupid young idiot, when he got his gf of 2 months pregnant.

He then compounded this by accidentally getting her pregnant again 2 years later.

Hmm.

He's not 'on the fence' about having another child - he does not want one.
I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that he's already had a vasectomy.

He is completely out of order complaining that you weren't 'involved enough' with his DC - what was he planning to do whilst you were helping them with their homework?!

I think, hard as it is, you need to end it and move on.

Good luck OP.

Thank you

How Very Dare She Relax In The Living Room!

I never ever, ever did such a thing, ever! Even - especially, in fact - when their dad was there tending to them.

Stepmothers, eh!

This post nails it.

He was never on the fence. He never wanted more children but knew a young childless woman like yourself would never enter a relationship with him if she knew that was not an option. So he said what he needed to say to hook you and is hoping you like him to stay and hope he changes his mind.

He won’t. My friend was like you except she was older. The guy she was with was upfront that he never wanted children again after his marriage ended and his children ended up estranged. She stayed hoping he would change his mind. He never did and now she is in her 50s no kids.

Amazing 😂😂 thank you ❤️