DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

I can see why you are upset and dissapointed but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong other than whinging at you about not playing with his kids. He might well have been completely genuine when he said he wanted kids with you but no that he’s thought it through realised he doesn’t. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind.
It’s only a 2 year relationship and you don’t live together.

One of my kids split with their partner because one wanted kids and the other didn’t. They got on brilliantly and loved each other a lot but you can’t bring a child into a relationship where one person doesn’t want kids.

We met when both aged 30, married 3 years later and had two DC at 34 and 36. At 29 I thought I would never find the right person, but you just need a bit of luck and make sure you take an opportunity when it arises. So don’t give up hope, far from it.

(Still going strong 30 years later by the way.)

He's blackmailing you over his own children to get you to look after them before you can have your own. This is no the makings of a good life partner. Sorry.

Help do their homework - wtf 😳

he cba with his kids he has now

nanny with a fanny comes to mind

sorry @stepparenthelp but be glad he’s told you now

you are young. 29. You will find someone who wants to be a dad to your baby you plan together

I broke up with someone aged 29 and I know it feels like you’re on the shelf and your biological clock is ticking away, but this man sounds really red flaggy on two counts now - first demanding that you do more with his own kids and then denying you your own! The cheek of the guy! I’m not sure he’s the person you think he is - you’ve only known him 2 years after all. I met someone aged 31 and had a kid at almost 39 and he was 49! So ur DP’s excuse is lame. I’m so sorry this bombshell has been dropped on you. Please tell him exactly how you feel about this and emphasise all that he said before about having kids with you.

I feel so annoyed for you OP.
He’s lied to you to lure you in. He’s a liar, about something he knows is so important to you. Who wants to be with someone who you can’t trust a word they say.
On top of that the criticism of the way you are neglecting his kids is deplorable.
He probably just wants a break from homework so thought he would guilt you into that along with all the other lovely ways you help care for them.
He’s not a good man.

Hi OP, I was single at 30, met my partner when I was 31, had our daughter I was still 34 and our son followed 18 months later when I was 35. It all worked out fine. Loads of mums older than me at the baby classes. Many women have kids in their late 30s and early 40s now. At 29, trust me you have loads of time still. The right man is out there, and when you find him you will know. He won’t make you cry and you might not want to wait 2 years, I think a year is acceptable if you are both really sure and want kids.

Do not settle with this man. He wants you to raise his kids instead of have your own. As someone who had my first baby six months ago - there is nothing like it. The love is just totally overwhelming. Every day is better than the last. You deserve to feel this way too. I would happily do it alone next time, even without a partner.

Where's the resentment towards the children in that? She's remarking on the situation that faces her when what she anticipated and thought agreed, and central to her relationship was suddenly snatched away?

The OP's post asks a question, not angry at all.

She has not attacked you in any way. She asked you to explain what you meant by cold.

You sound really lovely. Furious for you but at least you got the truth before you moved in together...Delighted you ve had such good advice above.. wishing you the best
Xxxx

I had two children 15 months apart at 39 and almost 41. DH was 44 and 45.
We've had no problems with being older parents and are now 70 and 75. We are close to our DC and are both well and active. Good luck.

If I had a partner who wasn't getting involved with my DC it would have me thinking having a child with them is either going to be me doing all the work or the new child being treated differently to my children. The latter is understandable and very likely which is why I don't think I ever would consider having a child with someone else if DH and I separated. If you are leaving this relationship I think it's best you look for someone who doesn't have any children.

Even if he changes his mind and you have kids it might not work out well. He may resent you in a few years for being back in it or be getting grief about treating all three of his children equally etc. There are so many posts on here about kids from the first family feeling left out or resenting the kids from the second family getting more than they did/do which may be due to the step mum having a god income but they don’t understand these things.

You don’t need a partner to have a baby. And you certainly don't need to be engaged or married. Having a partner would be easier with the workload and financially of course, just depends how long you are willing to wait. A friend in her mid 30s conceived with her bf or only a few months. It happens. I really hope you get your baby

This is enough of a reason to walk away. You havnt even moved in yet and he is already expecting above and beyond from you for his children. There have been a few simular threads on here from women who's partners expect them to be the 100% parent to their child. Some saying they are expected to not do anything for themselves (such as go off alone to meet family or friends) while the children are over. They expect too much as they cant cope being the main parent for any amount of time.

Then there is the future faking issue. Yes you will be upset leaving and grieve this relationship and what you thought it would lead to. This will take you a few months to get over. Giving up children of your own for this man is something you would grieve a lifetime for.

Putting up with his shit watching your every move around his kids is also something that would make you increasingly miserable, this would only get worse if you lived together

Sorry I accidentally pressed the wrong poll, meant to select your being reasonable.
Him not wanting children is an absolute deal breaker. You don't want to stay with him hoping he'll change his mind and then when he doesn't resent him, as upsetting as it will be to split now it saves bigger heartbreak later on.

My ex of 12 years split up with me when I was about to turn 30 as we couldn't agree about marriage. I was devastated and also spent a lot of time worrying I wouldn't meet someone in time to biologically have children.
I met someone at 33 and had my child at 35. We aren't together anymore but I don't regret that relationship, I'm glad I have my son. I'm now early 40's and single and the dating pool is smaller.

At 29 you still have plenty of time to meet someone and have children.

She attacked me in her post that was deleted.

And I am saying nothing else on this thread now. I can see the OP is very raw and upset, and I just gave my opinion which clearly upset her. I am confused as to why she was so upset and angry as she had already mentioned worrying about spending all her childbearing years with a man who doesn't want children with her. and I just said 'I can understand why you're worried, as you are nearly 30 now.' I have no wish to upset the OP further, and I wish you well @stepparenthelp and am sorry for your predicament, and sorry if what I said upset you. I meant no harm, and maybe worded my post badly...

I am done here now though.

Anyway, I'm done here now..

.

Sounds to me that he wants you to
look after his current kids and that’s it

if I wanted kids like you do it’s a deal breaker. You are not going to come back from this. He has said he doesn’t want any more. So even if he changes his mind it will be thrown in your face in arguments and you will always know he didn’t really want the child

time to leave if you want kids

Can you ask him what this is about? Could it be a temporary setback like a work issue perhaps that has affected his outlook, possibly not reflecting his state of mind as it was a few weeks ago. You need to ask him why the change of heart, and make your decision about your own future from that. Good luck OP.🍀

It’s totally normal to not be in the same room as kids and having a bit of me time. Especially at those ages. Ur DP is defo asking too much. And that he sat you down and has a talk just sounds soooo patronising.

just another thing to add - my DH is 10 years older than me and he really really does feel the tiredness of parenting a primary aged kid in his early 50s. He is a fantastic dad and super involved (apart from organising any childcare!) but he plays loads, is building him a playground and has a great relationship with our son. So the next man you select, make him more your own age to avoid tiredness, but mainly you’re looking for someone who you think will make a very good dad. And also husband obvs… but honestly it’s the being a good dad thing that’s worth its weight in gold!

No one attacked you. Your post was nonsense and unhelpful. OP's post will have been deleted because of the t word .

I haven’t, no, not until they’re in bed. I have similar age kids to your DP and there just isn’t time. Not saying you shouldn’t or you were wrong in that situation though.

Not knocking you. Was just answering your question.

And yes I do chill out with a book occasionally when the kids are around. My H has never had to pull me up on helping with homework, engaging with them etc.. I do it naturally because they are my kids.

I’d be more like you if they were my SC. I’d definitely leave the heavy lifting to their bio parent. He obviously doesn’t like that though as he clearly pointed this out when he sat you down for the discussion- he wants a hands-on step mum for his kids, to share the parenting burden. Bloody cheek of him.

Break it off and go no contact. 💯

I too was previously in a relationship with a man with young kids. It was messy and it didn't work out - which was a blessing in disguise. I built myself up by getting decent food, exercising and pursuing hobbies to cope with the relationship ending, and also no contact helped massively. 💪

I met my husband through online dating! Turns out he was a local fella and I knew a load of his social circle, but we'd never crossed paths. We were both childless, which is a rarity. 🤔

I met my hubby online at 33 💃
Engaged at 34 💍
Married at 35 👰‍♀
Gave birth at 36 👶
And the rest is history!
Been together 10 years this autumn!

Age 29 is still very young 💕
Please don't waste your time on this man.
You deserve better and your moment will happen, but you cannot meet your person if you're with this dead weight of a man around your neck 😟
An old saying of my pals is, "you cannot ride two horses at once, as you've only got one arse!" crude but true! 🐎 😆

Get rid and go no contact
🫂
@stepparenthelp

I was 40, didn't meet him until 37. So you have time. And you know, even if you didn't, you're better off without him. Because he lied to you.