DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

But as a step-mum you have to prove every moment that you are not elevating your own needs above those of the sacred SDs.

I didn't see it as a criticism of OP either - I saw it as that poster thinking they'd intuited a reason the OP's partner had come to the decision he had, when it pretty much said it in the OP.

I see it often on MN when a poster seems to think they're really clever suggesting something they've already been told.

He’s unreasonable to say spend more time with his children and do their homework with them(!) WTF. You’ve only been together two years; you’re not their stepmother.

I know you’re hurting but you need to leave now while you’re still young enough to find someone else who wants a family. And don’t believe him if he says he’s changed his mind; he’ll be stringing you along. Sorry OP.

DD married a guy with previous DC who was honest from start that he did not want further DC
DD accepted this as with PCOS and other health. Issues was unlikely
Miracle happened and I am now a Granny - DD and her DH are over the moon - he is a besotted daddy

When I turned 30 I was absolutely convinced I would be single forever and indeed that was a better option than most of the men I met at that time. For me having a baby was a big deal and I walked away from anyone who didn't share that goal as I knew I'd resent them in the long run for denying me that chance and so we were incompatible long term.

I met my partner when I was 32, I'm now 35 and sat here feeding our month old baby...you're still young OP and have plenty of time.

It'll be gone if you don't get a move on and end this ASAP. It's the oldest line in the book, tell them what they want to hear. How come no one suggested that this might happen when you first got together? I guess someone might have or maybe it crossed your mind? As others have said - he's 10 years older than you and doesn't want to go through it all again. How come you are together anyway? At best he's only wasted 2 years of your life.

🤣

Many a man has stringed a woman along with the promise of kids, before leaving her for someone else. Meanwhile she’s wasted her childbearing years but he can still start a family with someone else. Don’t let yourself be in this position.

His concerns are valid.

I doubt he led you on and deliberately then let you down. It’s likely that he genuinely did like the idea of having a family with you. But then reality hit and he saw that you weren’t fully engaging with the children he already has and realised that he would be able to give his exoidting children significantly less both financially and emotionally if he had more children to a second relationship. He is doing the right thing by his children not to have any more.

Yes I was a month over being 34 🙂 Then another 1 month shy of being 37. Got divorced, met DP who has 3 children, he wanted another with me, I said I was too old at 47.
I agree with everyone else, go through the absolute heartbreak but you will be better in the end. Good luck x

What he seems to be saying is he doesn't want anymore children, he has two already.

Another clever clogs. He doesn't "seem" to be saying that - he literally said it!!

Try not to be angry with yourself, just him. Trust is something that we give unconditionally at the start of a relationship because it’s the counterpart of love. You did nothing wrong. And you’ve found out whilst you’re still young enough to regroup.

But I would, as I say above, take a moment to catch your breath and then start again - with a man who really wants kids and, most importantly, wants kids with you.

I met DH after 32 never mind had my first (in my late 30s).

I'm gloriously happy.

I was happy to risk being single and childless not to settle. My advice is to fill your life with joy and work and interests and yes dating. And you have years to have it happen for you. Don't settle for a man who wants an unpaid nanny.

Why should she ‘engage fully’ with the children he has. That’s their parents job. As long as a step parent is being pleasant and welcoming to the step children, that should be enough. It’s the parents job to parent!

What utter crap you’re talking. Nothing OP has said indicates she’s cold towards his children. On the contrary, it sounds like she’s involved and caring towards them, but he wants her to take over his role because he’s a lazy lying shit who can’t be arsed to supervise them doing their homework.

My best friend met her DH at age 37. They got married two years later and started trying for a baby. She had her first aged 41 and her second aged 43. She now has five grandchildren. Her children and grandchildren are her reason for living. If you want DC @stepparenthelp then walk away fast. Put this relationship behind you and get dating.

I became a step mum at 29 to someone who was 12 years older with 2 over 10 years old. At the time I settled with him thinking it was last chance saloon and ignored all the red flags. If I could I’d go back in time and slap myself around the head at thinking I was knocking on a bit to think I needed to hurry up and have kids otherwise past 30 wasn’t going to happen. We did have our own child together I was 32 but it was really hard as I was pretty much told I had to go back to work to support us all. My advice is to leave this man who clearly doesn’t want more children and think about freezing some eggs. In future you may find you can fulfil your desire to have a child on your own and on your own terms. You are still young enough to find another man closer in age to you who has no children and wants them. I wish you luck.

Or maybe he just thinks 2 kids is plenty. Millions of people do.

Met DH at 33, married and had our baby when I was 35. I feel so sad for you but I think staying with him and not trying for a child would take a huge toll, especially as he has children. All those milestones.

Well, she doesn’t have to, obviously. But if you want to be part of a family and have more children with someone who already has a family, it would make sense.

A family already exists here between these two children and their father. OP doesn’t get to start a brand new family in that situation even if the man dies want more children. She would be joining and adding to an existing family, and if she wants to join a family, then she does need to show willing and engage with it as fully as possible.

I had my first at 36 and second at 38. You have time!

So, if DH changes his mind, OP should engage fully with her own children, but stick to just being pleasant to her stepchildren? You think that will make for a happy family?

My ex also strung me along when it came to having kids - it was delay, delay, delay. I was 34 when we split up and was devastated for 2 days til i found my anger towards him for stealing many of my fertile years and i used that anger to help to propel me forward. I am now 36, holding my 4 month old surprise baby in my arms with his dad (my partner) next to me - we met online. It is not too late for you ❤️

Actually I'd go against the grain here and say he probably will change his mind, to keep you.

However - and this is the catch - he'll likely leave all child rearing to you, he won't have your back or the 'family' you crave, and you'll end up resenting him for leaving everything to you.

Also think about how many children you might want. When you have one you might want another and he very likely will not.

I know it must hurt a lot, but now is the time to walk away and take the good advice of the poster who said to take some time to heal and really appraise future relationship potentials. You are not too old at all, you still have plenty time but you need to get going xxx

There’s a reason he’s not living with the mother of his kids and his kids. I doubt v v v much he is the catch you think he is…
I mean all this to and fro on this is a good example - he strikes me as someone who clearly flip flops in life based on his own whim. Don’t have kids with him because he obviously cannot commit and I doubt he’s a decent father to the two he already has.