DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Yeah, not really. You do you though. And I am entitled to my opinion. You are entitled to disagree. You are not entitled to say my opinion is rubbish. It's not. I am not wrong. An opinion cannot be wrong.

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This.

Pay no attention, that whole post was ridiculous

I left my ex who I loved very much (still good friends, actually, and he never did have kids) at the same age as you. I met my children’s father at 34, had my first child at 36 and second at 38. It’s certainly not too late for you.

However, what I would have done differently is to take seriously the impact leaving someone I loved would have. I struggled to get over him and didn’t really deal with my feelings. Rushed into dating because I felt I was “running out of time”. Had a series of semi-disasterous relationships and when my ex came along promising me the world, I rushed into it without due diligence.

He turned out to be an abusive asshole and a disengaged father and I left him a few years ago. However as much as I can’t stand him, my children are the lights of my life and I love being a mum so much. So I can’t regret the relationship.

So if you decide to leave (and I think you should), be serious about your healing, and be serious about dating and finding a good father. Take time to grieve, get counseling, don’t drink the feelings into submission, get yourself into a good psychological state before you begin dating, and when you do, don’t be casual about it; approach it with clear intention to find a man who wants kids and talks enthusiastically and in detail about that life, not surface talk like names and family holidays and who they might look like.

I wish you the very best.

I can understand you grieving for the lie he told you about your future together .

But imo you should be celebrating escaping the life he really wanted for you. Mother to his children, working, paying and increasingly taking over his responsibilities for his children,and probably eventually their children while being told you can’t have your own.

I got pregnant with my first at 35, despite being told 2 months before I wouldn’t be able to conceive due to some (non gynae) health issues. I now have a happy, healthy baby, and was on mat leave at the same time as a whole host of my school and uni friends too - all similar ages!

One thing I would say is if you have a child with someone who is not 100% up for it, you’ll likely end up doing a LOT more of the work / childcare. And also, more likely to cause an issue with DP if the existing children struggle to cope with a new baby too.

It might be worth considering freezing your eggs if finances would allow, some of my friends did this after going through break ups in their 30s - it took the pressure off meeting someone new and they felt like it bought some more time xxx

That he had to sit you down and ask you to engage with them rather than relaxing in the living room.

Your income is irrelevant, OP. He sees you as a nanny with a fanny. Question is, are you happy to keep being that?

The average age to have children in London is 32.5 - so bearing in mind there are many people much above that average age.
You really do have plenty of time. Have faith that what’s for you won’t go by you.

Thank you for that really vulnerable and good advice.

Omg. Totally unnecessary.!!!

You’re telling me as a bio parent you’ve never sat and read a book with your kids in the house?

I really feel for you, I can imagine how heartbreaking this is for you.
But you know what you have to do.
Luckily for you, you are only 29 despite not feeling young enough to start over.

I had my first child at 25, I’d been in a relationship for 3 years. He left me when she was 7 months old.
I was then a single Mum for 6 years.
I then decided I’d like a little “fling” at 31, found someone younger than me, it was perfect, nothing serious.
I’ve just turned 34 and our second child together (my third) is due next month.

My boss had her first at 43, healthy little girl.
Most of the women in my September 2026 baby group are over the age of 39 having their first.

You won’t feel like it right now but you are young enough to leave this relationship, heal, spend some time enjoying life, find someone and start your family with absolutely no issues or pressure.

You've had loads of great advice, @stepparenthelp, and in your posts you are already sounding stronger.

I was struck by you saying you never argue with your boyfriend - lack of argument is often because one party is compliant with the wishes of the other. I wonder if this is you.

I hope you leave this entitled man and find a better one.

Leave him. You’re only 29. Find someone else with no kids and no complications. And who values you enough to care about things that are hugely important to you, like being a mother. He’s already a father of two, wildly unfair to rob you of parenthood while he basks in it. Fucker.

My cousins both did.

Cousin 1 married her dh when she was 36, he was 43 I think. Baby when she was 38.

Cousin 2 was 34, her husband a couple of years younger, she got pregnant immediately and has just had baby 2 age 37

This is what I thought came across as cold...

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own.

You sounded resentful of his children (to me.) You are wasting your childbearing years looking after HIS children. Sounded cold to me

And you said yourself that you were worried about the best of your childbearing years going on him.... Why so angry about my post when I mentioned it? I can see you are really hurting so I will let it go that you are attacking me.

I've only read the first page so far (sorry, I will read everyone else's comments), so apologies if someone has said this: if you stay with him and give up on children, that's it for the rest of your life - he always has his children, you don't - your own children are yours forever, but a relationship can end at any time. If you want children, you need to prioritize that, not the man.

You've done nothing wrong. Being genuine and seeing the good in someone isn't something to be ashamed of. Believing a person who's supposed to love you is normal.

Wishing you strength to get through this.

If it helps I started ttc at 34 - fertility issues meant 1st at 37 (IUI) and now expecting 2nd at 40 (IVF).

The fertility issues were not in any way connected to age. We didn't know about them in advance but are genetic. It would not have mattered when we tried.

I'd be bloody angry if a man conned me into thinking we'd be having family together and then said no, it wasn't happening - but he expected me to help him bring up the children he already had. It's a huge slap in the face.

You've said he isn't sure and is on the fence. That doesn't sound like he's totally decided. I definitely wouldn't commit any further to him, don't move in together and don't marry him. Simply tell him the relationship is over as you want kids and will have them with or without him.

My husband will be 41 when our second child is born. He's also feeling a bit old for the baby years again (he wanted 40 to be the cut off ideally) so unless a baby was to come along very soon I'd imagine your partner will choose he doesn't want more children.

I didn't mean it to hurt you, but to wake you up. You deserve better. You sound like a very caring and hard working woman.

Don't waste your time on men that 1) don't deserve you and 2) don't give you what you need.

You have done nothing wrong. But do not waste a single day more on this man