DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

As a classic mumsnet quote “he wants a nanny with a Fanny” he wants you to help with their homework

this is very similar to my story - I deeply deeply loved my ex and we remain good friends . He has also never had children so I was right to leave. I really struggled to get over him. Then because I had left because I wanted children that became my mission and I had children with a very awful man. Like this poster I love my children deeply and can not regret them , but I would probably have been happier staying with my ex and having no children. However I only know this with hindsight and if I had stayed my urge for children and not knowing how awful some men can be would probably have made me unhappy .

please dont feel rushed into having children. I had my third at 45!

good luck op

I was completely single at 30. Now at 37 I’m getting married next month and we have two amazing children together (yes I know, wrong way round). Don’t panic on the age - but also don’t waste any more time with this man. Be angry with him - he has strung you along. I really doubt he’s suddenly changed his mind entirely.

I was 29 when I met DP socially, 31 when we moved in together, 34 when I had my baby. I was the youngest person in the antenatal group in London and I'm still median average age for the primary school group of friends now we've moved out of London. And that was a few years ago, the ages are going up now.

I know a friend of a friend who had a baby at 22 and struggled to make mum friends because everyone was at least 10 years older.

I had my first child at 36, having been with my husband since age 30. Several of my friends ended long term committed relationships (8-10years+) at 30 ish due to differing future goals and have now settled with new partners and have had children. They are much much happier. I also have a close friend who waited on a man dragging her along who had other children, until she was 36. She has been unable to find a new relationship since and is now approaching 40 with no children. Now is the time to leave, if having children is indeed a deal breaker for you, trust me

Has he had a vasectomy? I'm wondering whether he did after his second child was born (which would make sense if he decided he didn't want any more children) and he didn't want to tell you?

Anyway, it doesn't matter. He's not the one for you. I'm sorry for your heartbreak, but better now than being left six months pregnant to do it all alone because he's 'changed his mind'.

Oh babe. What an arse he is. I'm sorry.

( Btw, when I was your age I had an exciting but ultimately doomed-by-geography ltr still to come, then another intense fling, before eventually marrying someone I'd known all along (hed been in an off-on with someone else, but they finally properly split) and having two kids, who are now adults, and we are still happily married.

He lied. He never wanted or intended to have more kids and had you lined up as a live in nanny for his children. He is not a good man. The good thing is that you will almost certainly get a man with better DNA to pass on to your future children rather than them being fathered by the manipulative and selfish specimen you are currently grieving over. You can do better than a man 10 years older than you who expects you to provide free childcare to his two existing children. You have to break this off - don't be palmed off with some vague idea about thinking about it. Even if he said he was prepared to have children I doubt it would last. For all you know, he might have had a vasectomy or have one booked.

You do have time. Yes, I know that when there is no immediate prospect on the horizon it can feel like you are running out of time if you are in your late twenties. I felt like that. This awful man is not your last chance though. Realistically, you just need to find one good man - and you might do well to screen out all men who already have children. After the man I thought was the love of my life shared his not wanting commit to marriage or, more precisely, as I realised later he didn't want to commit to marriage with me, I broke things off. Yes, I was really sad. I just kept myself out there and tried to meet as many men as possible. This time I was looking for men who were stable and dependable (and child-free) rather than exciting and difficult men with commitment issues. When men confessed their deep-seated fear of commitment to me or other deal breaking matters like being into group sex involving ageing university intellectuals (I'm not joking) I crossed them off my list of possibles and I didn't waste another minute on them. (I deleted their phone numbers.) The key thing is you have to socialise with men who are possibles. Take up a sport, learn a language or join a church. I haven't personally tried the church thing but where better to find a man who wants a partner and children - apparently you should tour a number of churches, ie go to the Sunday service and attend the tea and bisuits afterward, to find the right demographic. If not particularly religious, choose one of the less fervent religions.

Don't discount men who are a bit shy and maybe a bit awkward. Men who are confident with women, got that way for a reason. They had a lot of practice. Within reason, I didn't turn down any first dates. People can have hidden depths when you get to know them.

More than one man was keen on marriage. I knew my husband vaguely before as an acquaintance. We started dating and were engaged within the year. I had quite a long engagement of a year because I wanted to get married in the summer. I waited five years to have our first at 34 and had my second at 37. I had no trouble getting pregnant - took two weeks for the first and three months for the second. One of my friends had her first at 40 and her second at 41.

Why do the existing two children not count as children? I'm confused by that. I think previous poster mentioned you being cold because you seem to be suggesting they are not as important / worth taking an interest in as the potential new baby you were planning on having, this would be a pretty toxic dynamic perhaps that is what your partner is seeing, that you would be vastly more interested in the third child than the existing two and he doesn't want to inflict that dynamic on them?

You're doing a lot of reaching there. It may well be that contraception failed, or that his ex lied about taking it. Goodness knows plenty of people on MN suggest doing that when a woman posts about wanting another baby, but her DH feels differently. And we don't know that he was "incapable of maintaining a relationship with their Mother". Perhaps they simply grew apart, or fell out of love, or his ex may even have cheated on him.

The good thing is he told you this BEFORE you moved in together. He's kicking himself for being so stupid.

He wants you to parent his children so that he doen't have to. If you have your own baby he knows he's not going to be able to sit on the sofa while you cook, clean and supervise homework.

Stay with him - no baby of your own.

Leave him - a very real possibility of a baby of your own. Even if you never meet a new (childless) man, there's nothing to stop you having that baby by donor.

He wasn’t certain a few weeks ago. It’s called Future Faking.

Oh OP im so sorry. He future faked you. Now that the time is coming where he will actually need to deliver on those babies he is rowing it back as he must.
He wanted 2 children with you certainly- his existing two. He is frustrated you are not parenting them for him already.
How dare he. I am so outraged on your behalf. As you and others have said, best case scenario is you end up raising a joint child alone AND raising his two also. You can do better. You are young and better to raise children as a single parent in the unlikely event you don’t meet someone else than persist with this utterly selfish
man.

My ex done this nonsense. Spoiler I was being strung along for a decade.
Happy to have ne raise his son, not happy to have our own child.
We split after 9 years of living together, I was heartbroken but I knew I wanted a child.
I was 31.
Thought my life was over.

Met my now husband within the year, we just clicked, I was pregnant and engaged 6 months after getting together!
Yes that could have gone side ways, but it didnt. Been married with our own son for 9 years now, just bought a house after years of renting.
Im 42 now and couldn't be happier.

Oh and the ex? He knocked up a one night stand 3 weeks after we split.

They aren't her children though. They already have a mother. I am sure she is a wonderful stepmother, but she hasn't adopted the children stepmother-child is a different relationship to mother-child. I doubt the children or their mother would welcome her deciding to make the stepchildren her replacement children. That would be weird and a huge overstep.

Well I don't think it at all unreasonable that if you want children, you want your own children. The existing children are of course children but they are his children and she is not the mother though she seem to have made great efforts with those children for which she has received very little thanks. Those children already have two parents who are responsible for them. The stepmothers I have known have been fond of their stepchidren having been in their lives for many years but they never considered them their children. I simply don't think, except for some very rare cases, that stepmothers feel the same love for their step children as for their own children.

You’re being extremely hyperbolic. You’re only 29 so have a good 15 years of fertility left and at least 10 of those pretty strong fertility. You have time to find another man. Find one without children who is closer in age. Your mistake was shacking up with a man a decade older who has a family already.

You should also be pleased he’s been transparent before you took the big step to move in with him. Don’t waste time thinking you can change his mind, the time to leave is upon you.

The way I understand this is……….he wants to move in and you take on parentage of his children thus releasing him from that responsibility and if you had a child of your own you’d not have quite so much time for the other two as your time would be spread three ways, not two. And during all this he would no doubt assume the role of ‘I’ve been at work all day and I’m too exhausted to help with homework, cooking dinner, helping with bath time, changing nappies, but I’ve got boundless energy to meet my mates at the pub, play golf, go to the footie match’!

You are not a great team. He has children with someone else and wants you to be more involved with them than you want to be. He's done it twice so has absolutely no need to do it again. His children are at a more interesting stage and he doesn't want to go back to babies and toddlers and all of that. Its a huge commitment ( and a huge drain on a relationship financially, emotionally and physically). You resent his existing children and the absolute fact that you will always be on the outside of any family things there that involve him and his ex wife ( you have graduations and weddings to be pushed out of in the future, never mind not being a granny when their children come along). None of this makes you a fabulous team

You don't need someone who's on the fence. You need someone who is 100%. He's just saying that because he doesn't want you to break up. Later down the line he'll be saying that he told you he didn't want anymore.
My friend had a child in these circumstances and her dh is always on trips with his mates(genuine, no affair etc). He's not that interested in the newest one.

You never know what's around the corner. You may suddenly meet someone else. It's pointless staying when he can't give you what you want.

So sorry OP. To say that last week and change his mind. Such a time waster and a piece of work. What is it with these men like this? So selfish.

What a selfish twat. Leave him

You have plenty of time. I had one child later 30s and the other early 40s.

He has been so very unfair to you. Please leave and give yourself a chance to become a mother.

Just anecdotal but my best friend broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years (who didn’t want kids) when she was about to turn 30. She had a couple of months’ break, then a couple of pretty tedious months on dating apps, then met her current partner who is perfect for her and they are now planning their family together. She’s 31 and they plan to start actively trying soon.

She said dating was in many ways easier at 30 than at 25 because she appealed more to men actually looking for commitment and there was less rubbish to traipse through. She had an awful time on dating apps in her early twenties and was terrified because of it.

You definitely shouldn’t stay with someone who is guaranteed not to give you the life you want, especially if he’s expecting you to help raise his children. It’s good of him to at least tell you before you move in together and get married, although not great he’s strung you along for 2 years.

Do be careful if he “changes his mind” when you break up with him as he can just as easily change it back and he’s unlikely to be committed if you have to go through fertility treatment (which would be available on the NHS for him).

Break ups are awful but this one will be completely worth it and you are certainly not too old to start again.

I'd be prepared for him to say oh actually I've changed my mind again, I DO want more kids, to keep you around to babysit for him. I don't think you can trust him now, I'm sorry you're going through this.