DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Yes this happened to me, except no prior children on either side. We had been together ten years, since I was 18 (I was 28).

We split, I knew I wanted children. I'm now married with two children.

If children is what you want, and it sounds like it is, then this is what you need to do.

I am sorry, Op. He's an arsehole. But at least he has told you now.

29 is young. I got divorced at 29, met someone a year later and had my first of 2 kids at 35.

Don't waste another minute on this man. Dump him.

He has no intention of having kids with you and he is testing your boundaries and making vague promises to see if you will continue the relationship regardless.

At 29 you can meet another man and have kids. But be clear about your intentions from the start (wanting to have kids now) and don't waste any time with guys who don't have the same goals.

He is far too old for you anyway. Doesn't seem like it now when you are 29 and he is 39 but when you are 40 and he is 50 it will be different. There is an entire generation between you and you are an instant step mum. Don't do this to yourself. There are other men out there. Let him go and go find a man with 3-5 years age difference of you, the closer in age the better.

Op Don’t waste another day on this man.

He has been there, done it, and doesn’t want to do it again.

I would go as far as saying don’t date a man with a kids. It’s rare for woman to dump a decent man when they have young kids. Why was he single? Did he take responsibility for his part in breaking up? If he left a woman with two small kids he’s shown you what he’s capable of. He will have loved her very much too once upon a time.

You said up thread that you never argue. That’s a concern - does this mean you compromise to placate him? I’m older than you but if a man I was dating asked me to help with his kids homework I’d have been unimpressed. Unless he apologised and explained why he felt it was my job to educate his primary school aged kids (who I don’t even live with) we would have certainly argued. I can’t imagine any explanation would have had my heart fluttering at the thought of loving in with him. He didn’t like to be working while you had your feet up - cheeky fucker.

I might have missed your post up thread but what did you say? How did he react?

You’d move in and become default childcare. Fuck that shit. Wish him well and as other said he will find a lady, without kids, to replace you as stand in parent. I wonder if he’d ever date a lady with kids of her own?

Please don’t waste another minute. Find a bloke without kids. Argue. Say No to him and see how he reacts. Someone up thread suggested an ultimatum - no, he will resent you going forward. You will be on the back foot and he may lie and get the snip (not unheard of). He’s told you, tell him you ‘respect his decision and although this is sad you appreciate his honesty and it’s over. Please do not contact me going forward as you won’t change your mind’.

Few books I’d like to recommend. They will make you a better partner and give you things to look for. I wish I’d read them in my 20s.

Gottman - seven signs of making marriage work.

Gottman - fight right (I think it’s called that) it’s a book on arguements.

Diary of a ceo podcast - interview with the Gottmans

The Gottmans are really good relationship experts. Well worth reading. Your boyfriend however needs dumping.

I was engaged at 28, single at 30. Got together with my partner at 31, pg at 33, pg at 35 and pg at 37, married at 44....
Or there and there abouts.
I remember my 30th - a close friend got me to do a lovely event and I had a great time but it was so different from the life I expected. My ex-fiance was a liar. My husband tells the truth. I know where i am happier.
Do what you have to do to put you first.

This is bullshit. My best friend had a baby at 45. I had my second at 36 and it took me one cycle to conceive. Very healthy baby and easy pregnancy. 29 is very very young!!!! You have ALL THE TIME. Don't listen to this nonsense. But you don't have time for this guy anymore.

I’m 59 now with two girls aged 26 and 20 but I lived with a man for seven years from ages 22 to 29 who strung me along and had me trapped in a relationship and kept telling me we would have kids but not yet. He was 15 years older and at about 28 I realised I needed to cut my losses and split. Met a lovely guy 2 years later and got pregnant at 33. You can’t stay with him. If he’s prepared to mess you around like this he’s not worth it and your biological clock is ticking.

@stepparenthelp It's actually really good advice.
I got married because I thought I was running out of time - I was 33. A long-term relationship had ended a year or two earlier (another lying man). I had my youngest in my forties.
I now have time to repent of that very unwise rushed decision.
Looking back, I realise I still had time. I wish i had listened to people who told me 'you are still young enough, you still have time'.
They were right. I did. But i didn't see it then.

So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

You’ve hit the nail on the head OP. I started again at 29, it was terrifying going back into the dating pool but before long I met a wonderful man. We’re now married with a beautiful DC.

This man isn’t it, I think you know that already but I understand it’s so hard. I promise it will get easier and you’ll be so glad you put yourself first.

No the age gap is not the problem. 10 years is not “a generation”. I was 28 and DH was 39 when we started dating. We’ve been married 36 years and very happy. DH had never been married and had no children.

I say get rid . I had a baby at 38 as did loads of my circle . My mum had me at 38. You have time to meet someone else who doesn’t have all this baggage and wants the life you want . Do it sooner rather than later if you want kids.

If he can be duplicitous about something which he knows is so important to you, can you ever trust him again?

Please move on OP. You will regret in years to come . Find somebody else and have your own child/children .

I think he is selfish .most women want their own DC not be a nanny for others! Move on OP you are not old at all.also you can go it alone if need be ,many do and it works out

@Lincolnlemons
You’ve hit the nail on the head OP. I started again at 29, it was terrifying going back into the dating pool

This must be very true about jow you are feeling right now @stepparenthelp , that's exactly how i felt. And i let it push me into a very wrong decision.
Don't let it keep you tied to guaranteed eventual misery. Leave this relationship.
You will meet someone else but don't let fear or feeling like you are running out of time make you pick the wrong man to be the father of your DC.

@stepparenthelp Yep. Just for perspective at 28 I was set to marry a man 10 years older than me. Had everything: London house, country house, filthy rich, hadn't been married and no kids. There was a betrayal and I won't go into it here. I left. I was determined that men could get stuffed and I'd grow old with cats and roses round the door.

Within a year I met DH. We haven't really been apart since our 2nd date. We wanted all the same things. Engaged after 18 months, married a year later, I was nearly 32, first baby at 34.5, second at nearly 38. Grown up now. He is far more intelligent than the old b/f, and far less shallow and I think I'd otherwise have been very bored.

37 years later, I have a lovely husband of 65. I sometimes think about my old boyfriend, he'd be 77 now, nearly 80, and I think back and see a great escape. DH is my soul mate and would never betray me.

Good luck love. You're a year older than my dd and if she were in your shoes, I'd be sighing a huge sigh of relief, whilst giving her a cuddle and letting her wipe snot on my shoulder.

Get out while you can. He potentially has saved you from a life of misery. Alarm bells that he thinks you need to help his kids do their homework?! Even if he changes his mind now you know deep down that it’s not what he wants and you will both resent each other. It will be painful but much less so than if you had children together. You will find someone new and without kids already preferably

OP I’m going to give you 3 stories that I hope will cement your decision to leave

1. My best friend met her DH at 30. He was 37 with 3 kids. When they moved in he admitted he didn’t want anymore kids. He’s previously said one more! She had to make a huge decision about what was more important at to her-kids or him. She chose him as loved him very much and loved the kids. She helped raise them
   Shes 45 now and he’s just asked for a divorce. Won’t sit down with her and explain the reason why and has moved out. He’s cut her off from the children she helped raised and is now in perimenopause and unlikely to have children of her own. To say she feels robbed is an understatement.

2. My other friend also met her DH when he was divorced with 2 children. They had the kids talk properly after marriage as he’d always said he was ‘open’ to more kids. Turns out he wasn’t sure. She gave him an ultimatum and they went on to have 2 kids. Her life is miserable. She does pretty much all the parenting of her step kids and he refuses to get involved with their kids as it was ‘her choice’. He’s not a great dad in any way.

3. My lovely friend had a horrible break up at 30 and worried she’d never meet anyway again. Met her DH through online dating at 32, moved in after a year. She had her children at 35 and 37 and they are in a loving happy relationship.

Please put yourself first and don’t worry about time running out. I also second the advice of the poster who says to work on yourself before jumping into anything else. Good luck!

Thank you for sharing ❤️

Listen to the masses OP and move on ASAP. Look at the facts. He has NEVER planned any kids and was irresponsible enough to have not one, but TWO unplanned kids. Then, was incapable of maintaining a relationship with their Mother. She clearly doesn’t want him either. There is a reason for this you are not aware of.

The ‘future’ you are mourning has single Mum written all over it for you if you did have a child together. You also haven’t naturally taken to being a fully involved stepmom to his kids so this is a future with disaster written all over it.

We became parents at 33 and it was 100% fully planned responsibly. Maybe get some eggs frozen as a backup, but you have plenty of years ahead of you to find the right partner. Dump this loser. Good luck OP! x

Run. He wants you to take over the parenting of his DC whilst depriving you of your own.

You will bitterly regret staying with this man. You are only 29, you can easily start over and have the life and the family you dream of. Not with this man.

Agree with others. He's future faked.

He's also lazy and dishonest.

Find your anger. Dont waste another minute, move on.

either leave or stay resent him or he may change his mind but if he does he’s likely to be a shit dad / support to yoi as he’s not fully in it
having a baby with no support is brutal

There is no way I would have given up my chance to have kids by staying with a man who didn’t want them. It’s even worse if the man already has kids because he’s stopping you from having what he already has and wants to drag you into playing an active stepmother role without your own children. It just sounds awful.

Also, when you say you never argue that’s not necessarily a good thing. I think it sometimes means two people who avoid conflict and don’t want to rock the boat so don’t deal with issues and just pretend it’s all good.