DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

You haven't argued up until now because he hasn't been honest about the fact he wants different things from the things you want.

Keep hold of your anger and uncertainty. Leave and don't look back. You're doing the right thing to get out now.

It's a very different proposition being newly single and hoping to meet someone to have kids with now at 29 compared with in 5 or 10 years.

Braving all the hate for this kind of relationship: DH has two kids from a previous marriage, we got together when we were similar ages to you two.

When we got together I was very much on the fence about children and still think I could have been happily child free. But helping to parent his children (albeit with none of the weird pressure that you have been under) meant we weren't child free. And it did mean he had this huge part of his life that I didn't share. Step parenting is very hard and complicated and isn't anything like having your own children. I think being a child free step parent is almost impossible, even if you had no particular desire for children in the first place. I became jealous and unhappy and saw this life stretching out into the distance where I was on the edge of someone else's family.

My DH is lovely and understood my change of heart, we have two kids (born when I was 36 and 37). I couldn't have stayed if he'd refused. And he hadn't future faked or demanded more interaction with his kids because he's decent. So just to reemphasize what everyone else says -- being childless when your partner isn't will just destroy you bit by bit. There is no option but to leave.

Yes. Well after that. And everyone in my nct was mid to late 30s.

You've got plenty of time.

Sorry but I don't think he ever wanted kids with you. He is future faking. He just wants you to raise his kids so HE doesn't have to. Ditch him. He's not the man you think he is.

Thats a really tough situation, OP. All the best for what the future brings.

I met and married my DH in my 20s (we are similar ages), and we remained childfree for a long time. In my late 30s I was in a different state of mind and I wanted to have a baby and be a mum. I would have understood if DH was not keen however turns out he was on board. So we had two pregnancies naturally. The first sadly resulted in a miscarriage and second was good and I had my DC at 40. I know there is a whole thing about ‘older mums’ and that’s fine. For me, having DC as a geriatric mum was ideal as we were settled financially and had a lot of our own time together before becoming parents. It doesn’t suit everyone this is just my own timeline and I’m pretty happy with it.

I hope you can have that for yourself too, OP. You sound like a great catch!

I had my first at 33 and I was the first in my friend group bar one. And her 2 youngest are younger than both of mine.

So many uni friends had them after me too.

You aren't an idiot. Ten year age gaps aren't always a sign the relationship is shallow and I don't think you are at fault. However, in this case it is quite engaging because he is using his age as a reason not to want more kids. Which would be fine. Except he chose to be in a relationship with a younger woman, who didn't have kids and who he knew wanted kids. At 39 he could have met a woman his own age or older who didn't want children or who already had children, as he does. Instead he basically set out to trap a younger woman who (even if you hadn't discussed it) could be reasonably expected to want children. There is a point, way back in the past before you properly fell for each other, where he made that decision.

I had children at 33, 36 and 42. My neighbour remarried and had hers at 41 and 43.

It does look like your partner doesn't really like looking after even the kids he has if he wants you to do more of it. You'll find better.

I found my partner at 29 when I went back to university to do a masters. Some kind of radical change of situation might help.

I met my dh at 29, married at 31, had dc 1 at 32, dc2 at 35 and dc3 at 37.

I have lots of friends who got married over 36 and had 2 kids

I had my first at 38 and 2nd at 40. I wouldn't have had kids much younger. I also wouldn't be with someone ten years older or younger at this point. Move on and find someone your own age, he's already stollen enough of your life.

As a positive he has told you now. It would feel much harder after you moved in and if he had strung you along for several more years. Walk away now and find someone on the same page as you. If he doesn’t want the same things as you he is not the one.
I met dh at 30, we moved in together at 32, got engaged at 35, had our son at 36 and got married at 38. We did talk about a second child but decided we didn’t want another.

1. I think you need to keep your anger so you can cut ties. It’s not that he leant want kids (he already has kids), it’s that he doesn’t want kids with you…so he wants to have kids and he wants you to miss out and be fine about that. It’s not you’re fault you believed him, but the man you fell for doesn’t actually exist - it was just a nicely presented package that when you took the packaging away you realised it was pretty shoddy in reality.
2. Its fairly telling that he wants you to find and do homework with his children - these are “wife” jobs that he wants to palm off so he doesn’t actually have to parent or bother with his children when they are with him. He’s a lazy parent and not someone you should want to have children with even if he offered to change his mind right now.

i know it sucks right now but in a few months time you will look back and realise how lucky you were to escape this man.

get rid, run for the hills a man who says he wants kids says names etc then says he doesn't want them is gaslighting you. if he thinks you should be more involved with his girls yet not commiting to having kids with you. its not the perfect relationship you think it is. if you want kids and he does'nt then leave as you will regret it if you don't have kids of your own

29 is young! At that age I felt the same as you but by 30 I was with the person I was meant to be with. Engaged by 31, first baby at 33 and second by 35. Currently 38 and pregnant with our third.

I do regret the years I spent waiting on previous boyfriends to get it together and remember being really scared at 29 that my life wouldn’t be how I imagined. That fear was wrong and my life is so wonderful. Your future can be wonderful too. Get out of this relationship!

At least he was FINALLY honest. I bet he felt that way all along and only said he wanted kids to string her along.

However, now that they'll be moving in together, it would be natural for them to start trying so he is forced to admit his real feelings about it.

I had my 1st and 32 and my 4th at 40. No issues at all

Exactly this 💯.

He knew he never wanted more kids. He lied to you. His aim was to eventually get you to give up the idea of you having kids. #hewasplayingchesswhileyouthoughtyouhadfoundtheone

@stepparenthelp please move on, I have two friends whose partners told them much later into the relationship, who then stayed on but now too late for both to have kids. Both amazing women but you can really see the regrets there.

He says he is on the fence but a lot of men say this to stop their partner leaving. They say this for the next 10-15 years. Outcome is the same - no kids, except by then he’s strung you along for so long that it’s too late for you to have them with someone else.. It’s very selfish.

You've still got time to find someone else and have children. I had my first at 35, second at 37. Men don't realise how monstrous it is to do this to women, who waste their fertile years on someone who doesn't want the future they want. Sorry OP, this is rubbish behaviour from him.

Yes OP in my 40s.
But it's not a good idea to deliberately delay it as fertility does decline. I was just fortunate. Time is still on your side.

He wants you to look after his kids because he's lazy. You're a glorified nanny to him. He's jealous that you have free time to do as you like (have a lie down, read a book) but he has the responsibilities of children. And you don't even live together yet!

Don't move in with him, I can almost guarantee if you do that you'll be the one responsible for all house work, cooking, looking after the kids, he'll start making you do the school run.

There's a reason he had to date someone so much younger than him, all the women his own age would see through his charade

Absolutely this too (not considered enough): a ten year age gap becomes much harder when you’re 50/60 or 70/80. So you’d be sacrificing your chance to have a child to care for his … oh and then your chance for an exciting retirement to care for him.

Sorry OP, it’s a rubbish situation but you’re young, and you have the chance to start over and find someone who all around is a better fit for you. Take it!

Having a kid just to keep someone isn’t brilliant either though.

I was 31 when my husband announced he’d changed his mind and didn’t want kids. It took 2 years to get divorced because he argued vehemently about it all (another story). Anyway, you’re right, dating is difficult in your 30s and I have 100 stories which are now hilarious about bad dates. But I persisted, convinced someone was out there for me. I met him at 38, we have kids (yes naturally conceived) and have been together for 15 years.
Please do not think you have ‘missed your chance’. You will miss your chance to have the life you wanted if you stay with this man. If you stay, you will eventually become resentful towards him if you aren’t already. You say you ‘never’ fight. This is a huge fight imho. The biggest a couple can have and he sounds awful to me. He wants his cake - another woman to look after his kids so he doesn’t have to do single parenting— and to not have anymore or as I see it: ruin your life too. Imagine if you did have kids with him. He sounds like he is nit that interested in parenting.