DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Bravo! And we see this crazy fuckery on MN almost daily - why wouldn't his parents treat my children from a previous marriage as their own grandchildren? Why wouldn't my husband spend the same amount on my children from a previous relationship as on his own biological daughter? CF flourishes on MN in this regard!

Congrats! Congrats!Congrats! And well done and it is wonderful to read things like that about miracle babies! May you all be blessed!

Yes! Two after 34, and I met my husband at 30. A lot of my friends are having first babies in their late 30s 😊

I bet he still expects you to shoulder the contraceptive load.

💯 move on
That really isn't fair and the resentment will just keep building.
I left my previous husband because he didn't want to have kids with me
I got into a new relationship, we got married and now we have 2 kids together ❤️

I am sorry that you're heartbroken. You've not been silly, you've dealt with and acted on what he gave you.

You're 29, you have time to flip this on its head. I personally think you've dodged a bullet but you probably can't see that yet.

If you stay then you will be silly IMO. You need to take a breath, have a cry, take some time to heal and then get back out on the road! Life doesn't often go to plan, it's just that you don't see that on Instagram and Facebook. Please please put yourself first and think about the future that you can have.

Run.

I met a man who has two (now grown up) children. Similar age gap. I married him. He painted a picture of wanting a 'family' turns out he wanted only one dc. Then later I wanted a sibling for my dc and he was very hostile about it and very controlling. Fortunately (for me) I did go on to have another dc through contraception fail (not deliberate).

I will never forget how my husband treated me. Turns out my husband is controlling and manipulative in other ways. Our relationship is not good and we should have divorced a while ago.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you go on to meet someone lovely and have the family you want to have.

Why would you choose to go out with a guy who has 2 kids in the first place? who doesn't look after them properly and think oooh what a great choice to father mine? Honestly the mind boggles.

Oh for goodness sake, I feel for you having fallen victim to a twatty future faker who dished out orders re step parenting but you lost my sympathy with your faux-plaintive little question “did any if you have a child after 32?” The average age in the UK for women to have a first baby is 31 so it stands to reason that huge numbers have their first later than that!

Harsh but true.
I think hes used you, said all the things you wanted to hear.

Now your hooked and moved in together he wants you to mother his kids and all that goes with it.

Get him out asap, dont look back you are still young and have plenty of time to have what you want with someone that wants the same.

Once you say your finished and he may try and say hes been thinking about it and has changed his mind Do NOT belive him you will be more than heart broken if you do.

Just like to add this my daughter had child very young I wasn’t happy. She went on to university got a good job. Split with the father of her child. She’s 37 now and met a guy lovely but with 2 kids under 4 at weekends they went out the kids came too. At her age she didn’t want to look after partners kids her child was 16 ! It never worked out. Why be a nanny to your partners kids no it won’t work out find someone else

At least now you know. Time to leave this relationship

Thank goodness his mask slipped!

He's lazy and he's future faked you to have built in childcare for his kids. It sounds like you do a lot with his kids but it's not enough for him. Whatever you do for guys like this is never enough. He wants you on the clock 24/7 doing his parenting and you having your own child would interfere with you being his nanny.

He might try to fake you out again saying he's changed his mind but don't believe him. Sorry, but he's fed you a line for two years and basically lured you in under false pretences. Don't move in, end the relationship. You want your own children, he doesn't want any more, so you're incompatible.

When I was single I didn't date men with kids because of seeing too much of the man with kids wanting the GF to raise them and I haven't seen blended families turn out too well. No thanks.

You are still young and have time to move on and have the life you want.

@stepparenthelp

Yes, it happened to me when I was in my early 20s. He was in his late 20s, never married, no children. We were actually married and we always talked about kids 'when the time was right'. We, too, would lie in bed and talk about names. Then when we'd been married about 3 years and it was the right time TTC he dropped the bomb on me that he didn't want children. And that he'd known all along that he didn't want them. Why he married me knowing I did want them is beyond me. I kicked him out. There were other reasons that made the decision easier, but even if the marriage had been rainbows and ponies I would have ended it. Having children was non-negotiable to me.

I met someone and had my first at 28, my 2nd at 34. Motherhood was everything I ever dreamt of. NEVER choose a man over having a child.

The absolute cheek of him asking you to help parent his kids in the first place, let alone when you aren't even living together yet! And now this? He's a selfish, lazy man. You're having a lucky escape, much as it won't feel like this right now.

He is not the right person for you. Glorified Nanny to his children and nursemaid to him when he’s in his 70s/80s-absolutely no way! You’re only 29-you need someone closer to your own age, preferably without any kids who’ll be happy to have children with you. This specimen is taking you for a fool. Throw him back and live the life you want.

I just think maybe he was up for it before but age caught up with him all of a sudden. My health and energy has dropped off a cliff since I turned 37-maybe that's unusual but I'm so damn glad I never had any kids now!

@stepparenthelp You come across as absolutely lovely and I’m so sorry that you been misled.

You’re very very young. You probably feel older as you’ve been knocking about with people a decade older.

Do you you a good social circle? Get out and about and have fun. Go to anything remotely fun.Dont worry too much about meeting someone. It will all fall into place.

i had my little girl at 39 and twin boys at 40. Xx

How come "biological programming" never works to excuse men having multiple affairs or chasing 20 year olds? If this is a deal breaker for her then she loves the idea of having kids more than him-that's just a fact.

Honestly I would leave and move on now. Even if he now tries to assure you he will and was just having a blip. You are 29 and don't have time to trust. I have friends who wanted kids and missed the boat by waiting around for the guy for whom it was all fine as he could muck about for longer

I always try to read the full thread first, but I'm too upset by you feeling like an idiot because you loved and trusted someone.

I always try to read the full thread first, but I'm too upset by you feeling like an idiot because you loved and trusted someone.
Whoops! Posted too soon.
I do feel like he has future faked slightly.
No, not slightly! He lay beside you and told you how much he wanted a child with you.
I know what it's like to yearn for what you thought you had, along with the physical intimacy and pleasure that you have to give up once you realise how deceitful and immature he has been with you.
Find those self-preservation skills and remember you haven't been an idiot. This really is his fault.