DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Yes, I was 35 when I had DS, my second cousin was older than me (I think 39?) when she had her first.

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you know for certain you want your own children. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but you wouldn’t want him to bring another child into the world he isn’t fully on board with. Not to get your hopes up but he may just come round if he realises it’s the end for your relationship. I do know a great couple who were in a similar situation, he had two already, she fell unexpectedly, it all worked out, they went on to have a second (planned) and then got married and are genuinely so happy. I think it’s best to have lots of open and honest conversations, so you can really understand each other’s perspective.

And that is absolutely valid, but he should have been honest and told OP that when they met, not strung her along for 2yrs whilst getting her to do free childcare for his existing children.

Do not move in and speak to him again - and if he’s definate about no kids, dump and move on and find someone who does want a family.

That is a from-the-left very insightful comment.

It chimes with the bit about both his children being accidents, as if he can't admit that he actually made the choice to have a child.

Move on. You will find someone closer in age. It sounds like you’d resent being a stepmother and that’s not fair on you or his children. It sounds like he wants you as unpaid child care and if he really cared about you he’d be encouraging you to move on. Don’t waste any more time with him. 2 years really isn’t long in the grand scheme of things and you might not feel it but you are so young. You don’t wanna end up pushing him into it either.

Perhaps he has genuinely changed his mind, as anyone considering having a child is always perfectly entitled to do. Given that he’ll be 40 soon, he may have started feeling the effects of middle age, or realised he doesn’t want to be, or fears he won’t be capable of, dealing with a teenager or teenagers when he’s not far off 60.

Average age for first child is 30 now.
You’ve got time

"I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on." Your own words.

At least, if its a small consolation, you found this out before the upheaval of moving, then waiting years as he kept making & failing to keep promises.
Sorry, He has to be history

Move on asap. You’re incompatible as you want completely different things.

I don’t blame you for wanting your own children and for feeling all your plans have come crashing down.

Neither do I blame him at his age for not wanting more, for financial reasons and /or just not wanting to do it all again. It’s exhausting!

Seriously don’t waste any more of your fertile years trying to convince him.

So he wants you to mother his kids, whilst denying you the chance to become a mother? What exactly will he be doing whilst you’re doing homework with his kids? You deserve more than this. As painful as it is now, cutting him loose and starting afresh is your best chance of long term happiness.

I was in this position (minus pre-existing kids). I took years to leave him, I finally did so at 33, then met someone at 35. We ttc starting at aged 37 and whilst we had a few tough years of losses and IVF (I’m an extreme ish case), we eventually got our miracle baby at 42. He’s wonderful and worth it all. My regret is not ending things with my ex sooner as it delayed the ttc, although my issue turned out not to be age-related.

Urgh, sick to death of guys who think once woman reaches 35 years they can’t possibly have a child and all their child like prayers are answered.

where have these people been living?

A 44 year old with a late period after 12 months of normality not exaggerating. Jeez, glad men can think this way but it’s dangerous to think a woman over 35/45 can’t get pregnant it really is.

I didnt meet my dh until 34 i had 2 delightful children aged 38 and 40.
I was pregnant within 3 cycles each time.

Get out there and get going

I was 33. We had tried before that but unsuccessfully so we had IVF. My DSis was 42.

So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’
This makes me so angry on your behalf. It's like he wants someone to take the parenting load when he has his kids but expects that to be enough for you. Sorry OP, I know you said you loved this man but he sounds like a selfish, thoughtless git. I am so sorry. Get out now.

Yes! I got married at 33, had my first child at 36 and my second at 40. I was still considering another child at 43! You have many childbearing years ahead of you, but please don’t waste them on the wrong man - he is not worthy of your children.

I ditched my ex who messed me around like this for a couple of years. I was 31 when I ended it, by 32 I was head over heels in love with my now DH with a baby on the way. When you’re older, you don’t wait around. Me and DH have been together 12 years now and couldn’t be happier.

You'll be fine. I started going out with my now husband when I was 34. Within a year we were married, mortgaged and parents.

I'm sorry you are hurting OP, but, when you are ready, have a look at the blended family boards.

You can easily find a man who doesn't already have a family. I wouldn't consider starting a family with your DP for anything. It is just too complicated for all concerned. The fact he is already feeling you are not interacting as he would wish with his dc is just the tip of the iceberg.

Free yourself and start your own family with someone who a) wants to and b) will be starting fresh as you are.

ETA I cannot blame your DP here. He is doing absolutely the right thing to put his existing dc first and to think about the finances and other aspects of bringing more dc into the world. As I say, scan the blended family boards. If only more men were as sage and restrained when it comes to procreation.

OP once you tell him it's over, please don't be turned by him saying he's changed his mind. He could string you along for years or leave you in the lurch as he has with the mother of his other children. A man who wants his girlfriend to do his kids' homework with them instead of doing it himself is not father-of-your-children material, whatever he says when he realises he's not got you caught on his hook well enough, yet..

Not to get your hopes up but he may just come round if he realises it’s the end for your relationship. I do know a great couple who were in a similar situation, he had two already, she fell unexpectedly, it all worked out, they went on to have a second (planned) and then got married

OH NO ... don't get her hopes up with that sort of talk. This is how so many of the nightmares start ... He has said he doesn't want more dc, he already has dc. Those are solid and sound reasons for him to be saying what he is saying. Best to hear the words for what they are, not try to railroad him or catch him on a wobble. Children need to be fully considered and no circumstance is too perfect in terms of what their parents should feel they deserve.

Yes, we cross posted.

And plenty of men have had children they didn't fully want in order to keep a relationship - dc who don't disappear when the romance wears thin.

What a load of tosh! My two are little and I lie in bed, read a book, watch tv etc while they potter around the house. Of course I am there if they need me. Also in regards to his children. You’re not their step mum, you aren’t married and you don’t live together. I’m not digging at you but it’s not on you to be available for them 24/7. They’re HIS children. Why is it always men that expect women to parent their children, if me and my husband split I’d never take this stance with a new partner.

OP he is doing you a favour, run. Statistically speaking most women have their first in their 30s. My friend is a midwife and said most first time moves are 30+

I'm a bit late to this thread but just wanted to reassure you @stepparenthelp that, while it will be painful to start with, you are just fine to break it off. I was similar to you in that my 10-year relationship ended when I was just starting to think about kids and future and I felt devastated that I'd lost my future and panicky that I'd missed my window. I constantly went over and over how it would be a year before I healed, then a year to meet someone, couple of years to live together etc etc etc- all that woman-math we do. And I was 33 so really felt on the scrap heap!

But it's all worked out fine, better than fine. Loved living alone, met someone, realised what being in a proper relationship felt like, fell in love, travelled, lived an amazing life, moved in and had our beautiful babies at 38 and 41. No regrets, perfect timeline for me/us - and it didn't meet any the prescriptive deadlines I had invented for myself out of nowhere. You have time, don't let that cloud your head about what you want.

100 percent. My ex who I left because he didn’t want children came back two years later saying he wanted to get back together and “could be talked into” having kids but I knew he was kidding both me and himself.

Since then he’s been married (and divorced) and I know his ex-wife wanted kids, as does his now-much-younger girlfriend of multiple years… yet no children have materialized.