AIBU to knock her head off ?

[DallazMajor]

Myself and my children’s father seperated over 10 years ago. We are since divorced. He is in a relationship (prob started whilst we were married tbh).

Im not entirely sure when this started but for the but last 5 years at least his new partner has started to slag me off in front of my kids. For context I took voluntary redundancy 7 years ago it came at a convenient time as I was very unwell after a coercive controlling relationship. I already had mental health issues and the abuse sent me into psychosis. He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive. Since then I’ve not worked (I’ve also been caring for my eldery parents and my 2 teenagers). I’ve continually had episodes of severe breakdowns, psychosis and blackouts.
I am constantly on the edge of my nerves, my mum passed away in January and my dad is very difficult to deal with. In retrospect he was very abusive toward my mum and this has also really affected me.

I digress. My exes partner has been slating me. Saying I’m making it all up, I’m fraudulently claiming benefits. I’ve spent all my children’s savings on holidays (none of which is true). She can say and think what she likes but NOT to my children. My children are older now (21 & 18) and they have confided that this has been an ongoing issue but if they ever said anything to their dad he took his partners side and told them off.

Not only this but in the last 4 years I’ve been excluded from stuff because of her. Previously (because me and the ex were completely amicable) we used to celebrate the kids birthdays and Christmas as a family. Including his partner. I used to welcome them into my home put on food etc. Both sets of grandparents would be there. It was for the kids benefit and there was no issue as far as I was concerned.

All this has stopped now and it’s a pita and a shame as my kids recently had big birthdays and it was all made awkward. (Ex husband came to my house to drop presents and pick up kids and his partner sat outside in the car scowling and texting him to hurry up). Honestly it’s just ridiculous.

Ive spoke to the ex husband about it. He’s a wet lettuce and does nothing about it.

Would I be unreasonable to knock her fkn head off. (Joke). But what would you do? Anything ? Nothing ?

Also ex mil thinks the sun shines out of my arse which winds the new partner up. The ex mil has been told that it’s me causing the issues! Should I write her a letter and put her straight ?

TIA and sorry for the length of this post !

I know it's not nice when people are carping on about you behind your back, but really @DallazMajor ? Anyone would think your children were toddlers and you are about 19. You all sound like you need to grow up. I agree with other posters. You sound really enmeshed in your ex's life (and his new partner's.)

You're never gonna be happy until you get on with your own life and ignore this woman and what she's saying. Your children are adults, why are you having anything to do with your ex now?

And you say you don't understand people saying you are not coming across well on this thread, but saying you want to knock her head off is a pretty infantile thing to say and pretty nasty to be honest.

The fact your ex-mil thinks you’re the bees knees is all that matters

SHE will do your work for you.

LET HER say what she likes, you know the truth, your kids know the truth, your ex knows the truth.

by allowing her to get to you, you’re letting her live rent free in your head and she’s not worth that.

RISE ABOVE HER

Of course this is upsetting for your kids but speaking to her is unlikely to make her change and your kids are adults. The best thing to do is let the children’s relationship with the pair of them run its course. When they’re not seeing their dad perhaps he will finally consider how her behaviour and his enabling of it has impacted his relationship with his kids.

Why is it nasty?

Take the moral high ground, don't engage, ignore. Live your life and don't waste any time thinking of her

You are letting her get to you.

Teach your children to ignore her, to grey rock her comments. And make sure they know not to allow your ex and his partner into your home.

Then block her from your life as much as possible - you’ll have to just let the joint family stuff go. I presume all child support etc has stopped now so you shouldn’t have any reason to see either of them again.

Yes. He and his partner think I make it all up. That I pretend to be this way in order to get out of working. I have no idea why they think that because prior to taking redundancy and becoming unwell I worked all my adult life.

I was annoyed this morning hence the rant.

Im not sat here like a weirdo ruminating over this. The knocking her head off comment was not serious as stated in my OP. I’m not a violent person in the slightest.

Also it seems that people assume that me wanting to confront her about this means I’m going to wade in like an aggressive lunatic. Again that would never be the case.

It isn't concern or advice, it's ignorance dressed up as an opinion. What qualifies you to say "get a job" to a person who has experienced psychosis and breakdowns? Your comment was cruel and nasty.

@DallazMajor in answer to your question whether you should confront your Ex's partner directly, I would say no, you should not. And neither should you confront her indirectly through your ex, your children or some other means. You have said here that you dgaf about what she thinks or says about you. But then, in the next breath, you're concerned that others may believe what she's saying and that your adult children are upset by what she says. So there's a bit of a disconnect going on. As other PP have suggested, you really do need to let both her and your ex go. It was good that you were able to have an amicable relationship with your ex in terms of raising the children while they were younger. They are now adults and can make the decisions to either keep in touch with their DF or not. It's now no longer your responsibility to protect them from nasty people in the wider world; it's on them to figure out how they want to deal with that. If their DF turns on them if they confront his partner, that's really only now between them and their father. You also have the absolute right to let your children know that however much they may want to have happy families shared birthday and Christmas celebrations, you're no longer willing to play that game with your ex and his partner. You don't have to belabour the point or go into details as to why, just that from now on, you've really no reason to have any dealings with them. Your children are adults and should be able to live with this and cope with whatever changes it brings about. If this woman is speaking to your wider family or to mutual acquaintances negatively about you, there's really nothing you can do about that either. And if she's convinced you're a benefit cheat and continues to badger social services or DWP or whatever, I'm not sure there's much you can do about that as well. The only thing you can really do is just absent yourself as far as possible from her and your ex's orbit. Focus on keeping your relationship with your DC as healthy as you can. I wish you well.

So someone who has experienced psychosis and depression shouldn't work again?

Popular word or not - that’s what you are doing.

If she hadn’t opened up about her mental health vulnerabilities - I very much doubt that you would have thought she need to ‘speak to someone’.

Absolutely not.

Have nothing to do with.

Your adult children need to manage their own relationships and you need to step away from involvement.

I don't know, I'm not qualified to answer that and neither are you. If you were, there's no way you would speak to someone like that if you had professional training.

Sorry you’re getting a bit of flack on here OP about your children being grown ups and having to ‘grow up’ etc! I’d be exactly the same as you, how dare she bad mouth you in front of your kids, regardless of how old they are! I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.

one thing to think about it though is you clearly live in her head rent free! Rise above it and just think it eats her alive every day for some reason but you can carry on with your life and not give her a second thought 🩷

Professional training in what?

Are you genuinely saying people who have experienced psychosis and depression should never work again?

Is that not discrimination?

Honestly I was annoyed this morning hence the post - wish I’d not bothered!

All the people on here pretending they’ve never thought on a whim that they might knock someone’s block off (or whatever) is laughable. Plus I clearly said it was a JOKE.

The woman clearly hates me and I find it kinda fascinating that she’s so wound up with me all the time.

I think she’s a complete lunatic!

Shush.

Good grief I’ve heard it all now! I will reply to someone else’s thread and tell them not to disagree with me because (gasp) they have been in receipt of benefits! You must acknowledge my status! Call me ma’am!

Again. Shush.

I wonder if she asks people in real life if they are on benefits before engaging in a conversation? I’m PMSL at her.

Did you take your ex to court for sexual assault, coercive control, domestic violence? It’s him I’d direct your anger at. I assume he abuses his current partner as he’s unlikely to change.