AIBU to knock her head off ?

[DallazMajor]

Myself and my children’s father seperated over 10 years ago. We are since divorced. He is in a relationship (prob started whilst we were married tbh).

Im not entirely sure when this started but for the but last 5 years at least his new partner has started to slag me off in front of my kids. For context I took voluntary redundancy 7 years ago it came at a convenient time as I was very unwell after a coercive controlling relationship. I already had mental health issues and the abuse sent me into psychosis. He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive. Since then I’ve not worked (I’ve also been caring for my eldery parents and my 2 teenagers). I’ve continually had episodes of severe breakdowns, psychosis and blackouts.
I am constantly on the edge of my nerves, my mum passed away in January and my dad is very difficult to deal with. In retrospect he was very abusive toward my mum and this has also really affected me.

I digress. My exes partner has been slating me. Saying I’m making it all up, I’m fraudulently claiming benefits. I’ve spent all my children’s savings on holidays (none of which is true). She can say and think what she likes but NOT to my children. My children are older now (21 & 18) and they have confided that this has been an ongoing issue but if they ever said anything to their dad he took his partners side and told them off.

Not only this but in the last 4 years I’ve been excluded from stuff because of her. Previously (because me and the ex were completely amicable) we used to celebrate the kids birthdays and Christmas as a family. Including his partner. I used to welcome them into my home put on food etc. Both sets of grandparents would be there. It was for the kids benefit and there was no issue as far as I was concerned.

All this has stopped now and it’s a pita and a shame as my kids recently had big birthdays and it was all made awkward. (Ex husband came to my house to drop presents and pick up kids and his partner sat outside in the car scowling and texting him to hurry up). Honestly it’s just ridiculous.

Ive spoke to the ex husband about it. He’s a wet lettuce and does nothing about it.

Would I be unreasonable to knock her fkn head off. (Joke). But what would you do? Anything ? Nothing ?

Also ex mil thinks the sun shines out of my arse which winds the new partner up. The ex mil has been told that it’s me causing the issues! Should I write her a letter and put her straight ?

TIA and sorry for the length of this post !

you are coming accross as immature and a bit obsessed. Your kids are not kids, they are adults. Stop concerning yourself with your ex and his wife.

Thank you I was just about to reply this. OP you also come across as quite aggressive op.

It’s nothing to do with any of what you said.

Im concerned that people think I should accept that this woman is calling me and accusing me of fraud to my own kids. God knows what else she says. I was investigated by the DWP last year and I highly suspect it was the partner that reported me. It was all fine obviously but I can do without it.

In your opinion. I’m neither immature or obsessed.

Im annoyed.

OP asks for Enlightenment on our opinion
other people - here you go
OP - thats just your opinion!!!

well yes. That was the point.
But just you carry on raging against the world and some women you don't even need to be involved with. If that makes your day brighter.
Alternativley, just grow up and move on. You'll be happier in the end

No. It then warns the ex that the conversation is coming and is not going to be good so he has a choice before the OP goes in all guns blazing.

They can laugh all they like but at least the kids will see the OP handled it maturely and gave them a choice.

I don’t think confronting her in any way is going to help and move things forward. It will give fuel to her fire. It’s sad that she doesn’t want to be in the same room for the sake of the kids, but you can’t change her, only your reaction to her and I think you have to accept that she doesn’t think she can be civil around you. The best course of action is to grey rock as hard as it is and then support your DC if they no longer wish to see their dad if she is around,

In your OP you ask ‘what would you do - anything? Nothing?’

I would do nothing, except be a listener to your kids and empathise with them. The same as I would if they had a work colleague who was a PITA or a friend issue or any other relationship stuff. It’s not in your power to fix. Your job is to be a calm and respectful role model even when your children are adults.

I understand - and this is concerning. But there are two separate issues here - this one, which I agree isn’t great.

the other is the lack of ‘family’ at events. That has to stop because they no longer want it, and unfortunately that’s life. You can’t make them.

in terms of her bad mouthing you - I would simply block. She doesn’t have to stop - and having a go at her will make it worse. Literally all you can do is ignore. It doesn’t matter what the kids or you think - or anyone else, and whether she is right or wrong. She doesn’t have to stop. You can choose to engage or ignore. I’d choose ignore. It’s really the only option.

It is absolutely an option. Of course you can choose not to do so, but please remember it is a choice and you are free to choose differently at any point.

He's only had your kids one day a week while you've been in and out of psychosis? That's really not good enough on his side. Was there a reason he didn't want them more?

Can you explain how suggesting to someone who's having ideas of knocking their ex husband's wife's head off, that it would be a good idea to talk this through with someone is gaslighting? It's a very popular word at the moment.

OP sorry you have been unwell. I do think that you have forgotten how to get the best revenge and it’s simply to not care and to live well.

It is stupid and unfair what she says but clearly she is both stupid and nasty. Mithering about whether it’s appropriate or slanderous or damaging is what actually makes it damaging. She doesn’t have to annoy you. She is pathetic and the only credible way to bother you would be by reporting you (and she probably did that) and that happened and it was all fine.

You should be smugly smiling internally because she can’t hurt your relationships with anyone who matters (your adult children can sort out their own responses) and yet she is driven mad by you.

protecting your own mental health means you need to relegate this idiot to the status she has given herself.

Sorry for butting in. I am really pleased that you're fighting your corner here with these mn's who just want to find fault over nothing. And forgive me if it sounds patronising as I really really don't want it to, but hell, you go girl!

I suspect she has a point.

Confronting her won’t stop it. She’s not going to meekly cow and offer a “yes ma’am, sorry ma’am”, as if you have any control over how she behaves. It is more likely to escalate it. If that’s something you’re fine with then go for it, but don’t go in with any expectation that she will be suitably chastised.

Your kids are grown up. Step away from your ex, and his partner. No need for any sort of ‘family’ gathering now, other than any weddings and funerals.

I don't think there is anything you can do to stop this woman talking about you. Speaking to her face to face or in writing, is likely to only give her more fuel. She is likely to use your health issues against you.

I doubt you would be successful if you were to try the legal route, partly because she seems to be wording her accusations cleverly by asking how you can afford things you own rather than saying outright that you must be committing fraud. I suspect a solicitor who would pursue this on your behalf would have his eyes on the fees you would pay rather than a successful outcome for you. And partly because the only witnesses you have are your children. It would be a lot for them to be part of an action against their father's partner and he would almost certainly get dragged into the litigation as he is also a witness but completely supportive of his wife/partner.

Although you shouldn't have to do this, and your children shouldn't have to do this - the only solution is to cut her off. You need to tell them not to tell you the lies she is saying. Not necessarily to protect you but explaining that by not repeating them they take away the power she has to cause trouble.

As your son has the strength to refuse to see her and sees his father separately you are halfway there. You need to encourage your daughter to take the same stance. If he is still seeing his son, surely that wouldn't be too difficult despite how weak he seems to be. You will be teaching your daughter a valuable lesson and steering her away from becoming as spineless as her father.

In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with imagining knocking her head off. I've done similar in the past and it's quite cathartic. Knock away!

I didn't read all of the posts but did something happen that changed the dynamic of how the families interact? The next time she disparages you in front of your kids, they need to tell her that she cannot talk about you to them anymore. Period. Don't take it to their father. Deal with partner. Your children are adults.

Oh come on now, stop being so dramatic. If you bothered to read the OP's post you would see she said...

Would I be unreasonable to knock her fkn head off. (Joke)

I roll my eyes and tell them to ignore it

The attempts of people on here these days whose sole aim seems to be nit-picking at an OP and trying to derail threads is so fucking annoying. They must be such unpleasant people in real life.

The girlfriend knows it gets back to you and irritates you, She gets a kick out of knowing this.
You need to be realistic you can do nothing about it and by trying fuels her. Your children are adults, its for them to voice their opinion, not you.
Alternatively they will need to vote with their feet! Dont get involved, concentrate on your own mental health and being the best parent you can be.

@DallazMajor So how long have you not been in work for?

Or a bloody job

Oh nasty.

I think it's time to take a step back, OP. Your kids are adults now - it's up to them how they deal with their dad and his partner.

It isn't your fault you've had mental health issues but I imagine that hasn't been easy for your kids either - nor for your ex having to co-parent while that's been happening. I expect your ex and his partner see the situation very differently to you, and resentment has built up.

But you don't need to worry about their opinions. You don't need to have anything to do with them at all.