AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

I think you should at least try. It’s not a huge ask, and they do a lot for you.
You could be in bed by 10pm and up at 6am… still eight hours sleep.

I think it sounds like a lovely family setup where everyone looks out for each other and if you were my friend, I’d suggest you give it a try and see how it goes. It’s just twice a month and it will be nice for your daughter and her husband to get some time together - they spend a lot of time looking after you and your mum and their other mum which is lovely. And in this sort of setup it’s fair to ask for the support you need too.

If you’ll really struggle though could you afford to pay for a babysitter? You said you’d happily pay a gardener but your son in law is happy to do it - so can you use that money to pay a babysitter for a few hours?

Could you sleepover at theirs?

What a vile thing to say to someone with health issues, whatever their age.

This puts the “AIBU to not want grandchildren?” thread from yesterday into perspective 🤣

i don’t think you are being U OP.

Yes you need to try it.. tbh I think you’re sounding like you’ve lost confidence in yourself because your daughter and her hubby do so much for you. You have mobility issues yes but you’re well enough to work and have your grandchildren stay over. It might actually help you. Plus if the kids regularly dont settle then the parents will have to rethink their plans but you can’t not try..

Ability or not with doing things depends more on health than age. 🤷‍♀️

Why can't they get a babysitter? It's an ideal little job for a responsible teenager.

It's up to you. But when they also don't want to do things for you then you can understand.

Probably the same reason OP can’t pay a teenager to cut her grass or pay for a taxi.

I would give it a go. I would also get a little robot lawn over so they don’t need to mow your lawn.

I would do it tbh and I’m not keen in the idea of looking after kids fullstop. They are helping you out with stuff, this is a few hours of babysitting every other weekend. If the kids don’t go down they don’t go down. It’s basically supervising bedtime.

Maybe it’s the same reason OP can’t pay a teenager to cut her lawn.

Yes, I think you’re being unreasonable. I think you should have at least offered to trial it for 2 months…

Given the cost of everything these days, couples can’t afford regular babysitters and to go out. Life is expensive.

On top of that, they help you out regularly by the sounds of it.

Presumably they are not mowing her grass or dropping her at an appointment while normally sleeping.

OP does watch the children weekly. Not sure where you’ve gotten the idea that she’s only the receiver of favors and never on the giving end already.

The difference here is OP already receives lots of free help from her daughter and SIL - so they’re not unreasonable to want some help from her in return.

No she doesn’t have them every week - she has them to sleep over every other month. Six times a year.

But if DGD doesn’t sleep that is in no way your fault. Her DPs have decided they want to go to an activity on a school night, they are the ones to face the consequences. Maybe after a few weeks they will decide it’s not worth it.

The agreement is that OP has them one Saturday night every other month, she’s not watching them weekly.

Could you have a nap on Sunday afternoon beforehand?

Agree to a trial and if it’s too much, offer to pay for a babysitter instead.

Just a different point of view...

They want to play (mixed doubles) tennis at a certain place and time. It doesn't work for you.

Could they find some other option (different time/place) where they can still do the thing they want but at s time and day that works for you all? Perhaps have a conversation around that so it isn't a no to all options, just to the option currently suggested. Compromise by all and solution.

For those saying 8 hours sleep is "enough" - very simplistic if you consider reality... Not many people get to bed, close their eyes and are in deep sleep immediately until the time to wake. Sleep takes time. The OP gets to decide when they go to bed, how tired they are and how much sleep they need to function. Only they know their limits and needs around sleep and everything else.

OP you could trial it and even offer one sit per month without feeling guilty or not. If you communicate that you want to help but can't do the time suggested, surely that's the better - sustainable - option?

No judgement of you

But I would do this for my daughter without a second’s hesitation in the scenarios you outline

What’s vile about it? OP might have health issues but she works and is clearly quite capable if paying for help - which is exactly what she should be doing instead of relying on the parents of 2yo twins to chauffeur her about and cut her lawn.

You made the right decision for you. However a little flexibility might be worth exploring...

I would probably have said that I would initially do once a month but not every other Sunday and see how I feel with that then increase if everything was okay.

I envy you living so close to your daughter and grandchildren!

I think it is your choice, and you should not be pressured into it if you dont want to. I hate this i do for you if you do for me mentality.