AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

I would expect them to stop doing so much for you if you don't reciprocate at all, what a shame.

Agree with this.

I’d be finding ways you can get to your appointments yourself.

I'd want to see my GC more but I can understand why you're hesitant. Please reconsider and at least give it a go? Mine are 18 and 20 now and I'll always have those memories of looking after them - I think I'm a fun granny, but it's easy to overthink things. You can always trial it for a couple of months and see how it pans out.

Due to the time you go to bed, you can't do it. You have to be at work at 8.

I would ask them if there's another time they could attend mixed doubles.

It's 2 hours every other week. I'm sure you'd cope. 🙄

I agree with this.

You’re 62 and can’t get yourself to appointments or cut your own grass without relying on your daughter? Are you not really embarrassed about that?

Am I embarrassed about having mobility issues from health problems and surgery, and living in a village with poor public transport? No not really.
If they were unable or didn’t want to, I would of course get a taxi or pay someone to cut my grass.

it seems you dont do much child care
i think it would be a nice thing for you to do for your dd

I think this is quite a big ask (3 kids, very young, work/school night) and if this couple can afford 3 kids and membership of a tennis club, they can budget something towards babysitting a couple of times a month!

I can see it's awkward that the MIL.has agreed but she's her and you're you.

It's better to say no up front than do it reluctantly or drop out.

Well, I would be embarrassed in your situation - imagine relying on your kids for things you could quite easily manage and pay for yourself - and then having the audacity to refuse those same children some help in return for four hours a month!

I get it to some degree but they are family and the inconvenience to you I feel is so much less than the benefit to them so I’d do it on that basis.

how about offering to pay for a babysitter saying you recognise you should just do it but feel overwhelmed at the thought of being booked in for it indefinitely but want to help so (even if they can afford the babysitter) you’d be happy to pay for this to be covered to enable them going.

You're not sounding very loving towards your family.

You've set your stall out here with all your reasons which do seem like they could be plausible when discussing this over coffee with a sympathetic friend.

You’re only saying no to Sunday night with good reasons. Let them know why not. You’re set in your routine and it is a valued reason - they’re asking you to stay past your actual bed time. It will be 10pm by the time you go to bed realistically. Ask them to find a group either Friday, Saturday or Sunday day time then I suppose you can arrange your days.

If I were your daughter I’d feel pretty gutted too. By that time the children would likely be quite dopey/half asleep and all you’d need to do is relax in their home for a couple of hours. It’s a very low key ask with all the hard work done for you (bathing/bed routine etc).

Of course you can choose to do whatever you want with your own time but this is a very small inconvenience especially when they help you and your mum so much.

I can see this be annoying due to the pressure of it being a school night for the eldest and because you have work the next day.
I agree the children aren't likely to settle, especially the first few times as they will be excited on Sunday evenings to see either granny arrive.
Is there no other club time available? I think I would check what else there is and perhaps if there is a day time slot on a weekend suggest that instead?

You're lucky to have family willing to help you out. I think YABU to not want to reciprocate. Enjoy your grandchildren while they're young and while you're still young. They'll remember those fun Sunday nights with Granny.And the 4 year old will soon get used to the routine.

I mean I totally understand that they can’t just free up money for a babysitter. Our local tennis club is only £275 a year for a family membership, and they don’t have loads of free cash.
I will say I’m happy to give it a go, maybe on the basis that they keep their phones near by and I can call/text if I need them back earlier, since everyone thinks I’m being unfair.

Doesn’t seem like a big ask to me.

Not for mixed doubles from what I can tell, it’s a small village club, just 3 courts and not a huge number of members. I had a look at the time table as I thought gosh that’s awfully late and they only have ladies night, gents night, family tennis and mixed doubles, as the socials listed.

Normally I’m on the “you chose to have children, so look after them yourselves” camp but this time I think the OP is being selfish

As your DD and SIL do quite a bit for you, why wouldn’t you do a spot of babysitting twice a month?

They aren’t late evenings and it sounds like you don’t have plans for a Sunday evening anyway.

Even with work the next day, it’s not a late bedtime.

Obviously, if you don’t want to, then that’s fine but I wouldn’t expect your DD to be rushing to help you with stuff in the future.

The OP has said she does some Saturday nights and ad hoc - that's not "don't reciprocate at all", is it?

You can ask people to do whatever. They're free to say no!

It's a game of tennis not some awkward work situation.

I'd be embarrassed to find I'd talked my mum into something she wasn't at all keen to do...

Its not as simply as saying they must want to do it or they wouldn’t, running you to appointments, cutting your grass are all jobs making it harder to juggle their life with 3 young children, including 2 twins.
You seem to think you’re not putting them out at all, but sitting with 3 kids for 2 hours after the parents have done all the evening jobs would be so onerous for you.

The daughter asked once. She hasn’t been trying to talk OP into it.
It was OP’s own mother who was surprised she wouldn’t do it.

I think that as they do things for you, you should reciprocate.