AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

should people be embarrassed about having health issues/disabilities nowadays?

Sounds like you do what you are able to do. It it's too much then I would hope your daughter understands that.
It's not unreasonable to say no to things that you would struggle to do.

Selfish?! Wow. Entitled somewhat!

You seriously think someone with health issues and a full time job who doesn't want to give up their routine or go to bed later than they normally would is selfish? Did you actually read the OP? Even without the work, routine and health issues, it is ridiculous to describe someone as selfish for not wanting to babysit someone else's children. 3 children under 4 is bloody hard work!

Some people certainly seem to think so, don't they?

No. They should be embarrassed about accepting free help from their daughter (who has three small children) instead of paying for help when they can quite clearly afford to do so.

Me too. I’ve suggested she do it because it’s such a specific opportunity for them to get out of the house together and the time isn’t flexible but see exactly why it’s not ideal for OP.

It will likely become easier with time, too.

I'm 75 with a terminal illness . I'd do it as it's only every other weekend for 2 hours ish . It seems a bit mean to refuse as they must be full on with children those ages .

Except that’s not what I said. I asked if she wasn’t embarrassed to be accepting help from her daughter for those things.

In other words - OP can afford to pay for help so she
shouldn't be relying on a parent of three small children to support her when she can pay for support herself.

Apparently so.

62 is hardly old and your acting like a complete fuddy duddy. Need driving to appointments already?!

You can't stay out until 9pm twice a month even though they'll drive you home?!

You'll feel awful if eldest has a slightly late bedtime but not if you daughter can't go to tennis?

We have 3 small kids and can barely keep on top of our own grass. Them taking time out of family life- whether that's chores or fun times to cut your grass is a lot!

Well, nobody is required to provide childcare as a grandparent, but this really isn't a big ask and it sounds like they do loads for you already, so personally I think it would be quite mean to say no. You don't really have a good reason for declining other than that you can't be arsed. Relationships require give and take. Help your children if you can - why wouldn't you?

So you therefore think that that the OP should also be paid for the childminding she does?

If she's a bit tired it's not the end of the world.

I was sitting on the fence until I read about them cutting your grass and taking you to appointments. Honestly that’s no small amount of help from a couple with multiple young children. You’re worried about them being hard work but do remember that they juggle those children to drive you about and cut your lawn. One day they won’t need childcare help but you will be older and need more help from them and they will remember how willing (or not) you were to help them out.

Perhaps offer to trial it for a couple of months? Or, sit once a month and offer to pay for a babysitter once a month, using the money you’re not having to spend on a gardener and taxis to your appointments? Or just offer to pay for a babysitter twice a month if you’ve got the means and really don’t want to go over on a Sunday night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

Your mum speaks a lot of sense.

Chances are that you are going to become increasingly dependent on them as you age. What if they also decided that they no longer wanted to go out of their way to help you and that driving you to appointments was inconvenient for them. Where would that leave you?

I think she should either be more appreciative of the help she gets and be willing to do four hours of childcare a month in return, or she should acknowledge that she’s asking a lot of her daughter, pay for help and then her daughter can be free to pay for her own help when she needs or wants it.

What isn’t okay is to take the free help and then refuse to give anything back.

Well, if you don't want to you don't want to but yes I do think you're being a bit selfish really especially given that they are obviously helping you out too and generally this is how families work. It is supposed to be a two way street. Couldn't you just try it and see how it goes? Even being in bed around 10 and not starting work until 8 gives you plenty of time for a solid 8 hours sleep. Your DD and SIL are at a stage where they most likely could do with a bit of a break away from the children to socialise in the adult world and you sound as though you are well placed to give it. The caveat to this is are your health issues much worse than you're letting on here? 62 is very young for you not to feel able to look after your 3 granddaughters just for a couple of hours once a fortnight.

I would say you don’t want to commit long term but you’ll try it for a couple of months. Don’t forget if it’s outside courts it may be cancelled due to weather some weeks anyway

You shouldn't be feeling guilted into trying this out. You've got valid reasons and work and health come first. You do plenty for your offspring and grandchildren.
Stop being reliant on them for grass cutting and other things, because they will just throw it back in your face when situations like this arise.

yanbu - you already have them for sleepovers and they already go to other tennis sessions

I might help out family in this situation if they both had to work or something but not so they can swan off to play tennis. So YANBU. I doubt many parents of small kids can both go out and do a hobby at the same time, that's life.

This is such a twisted way of looking at a normal, healthy family relationship. Nowhere does the op say she's feeling guilted or that people are throwing things back in her face. They have asked for a favour, that's all. Not everything has to be a big drama.

Try it, it might be absolutely lovely, but you won't know if you don't at least try.

If you try it for a couple of months and hate it, then fair enough.

Get your Monday morning prep done before you go.

I think in general adult relationships will struggle long term when one side is taking more than they're giving. It may be that this arrangement isn't appropriate for you but I'd be looking at the wider picture here. It does sound like they do a lot for you for a family with such young children.