AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

I think give it a go under the proviso that they need to be back ASAP, so 9.15 not 9.30 and one of them comes straight into the house to take over, the other stays in the car and takes you straight home so you’re back for 9.30 and can be in bed for 10, given you have work early the next day

You already have them over to sleep on a Saturday every other month so you’re used to the bed time routine plus you’ll be home and in bed before 10. If you’re getting up at 6, that’s still 8 hours. Sleeping more than that isn’t healthy.
I know you have health issues but putting kids to bed in their own house is easier than in yours and you’ll be able to just relax once they are asleep.
youre only 62. This is making you sound like you’re 92 tbh.

I'm nearly 64. Surely you don't need help getting to appointments??

You currently babysit for them 6 times a year, possibly the odd time other than that.
They help you lots from what you've said,.but you're not happy to help them go out for 2 hours a fortnight? When you'll just be sitting in bed - yes that's selfish.
Why would you feel you might need to call them back early if you do help? What are you worried may happen?

I will never be this kind of grandparent.

Op, it’s 2 hours on a Sunday with the kids already fed, bathed and ready for bed.

She’s still getting 8 hours sleep. That’s enough - in fact it’s probably healthier than her 9-9.5 hours sleep.

Honestly, shut the hell up. What on earth do you know about OP's life? Would you say that to someone's face?

Do they have to go to the doubles then? Could an alternative be that they book the court and play singles together and at more suitable time?

Maybe from their individual tennis nights they could make their own invites to play others if they are keen that it has to be mixed doubles.

I’m wondering how you get yourself to physically work if you can’t do things like cut your own grass or drive yourself to appointments?

Personally I don’t think it’s a big ask as it’s quite a limited amount of time and fortnightly. I wouldn’t worry re school. If the 4 year old won’t settle and you end up reading and cuddling up to them it’s not end of world. I’d say you’ll try and see how it goes.

I think it’s slightly different when they stay here, if bedtime goes a bit haywire it’s okay, none of us having anything we need to do on a Sunday, but on a school/work night I’d feel awful I struggled to get DGD down and she was then not well rested for school.
I will give it a go though, it might be easier in reality than I’ve made it in my head.

I know that OP can afford to pay for the help herself but instead chooses to rely on her family - and then won’t help them in return. I’d be incredibly embarrassed in her shoes.

Well, I don't think you're being unreasonable OP but if you're very conflict averse then I guess it's bye bye two Sunday evenings a month and be tired on the Mondays.

Not sure why you posted tbh 😂

This would be one night every two weeks when you would be perhaps an hour late getting to bed and in those circumstances you could have a rest during the day surely to compensate?
Refuse and you might just find yourself having to organise someone to cut your grass and book taxis for your appointments 🤔
Come on OP, it is one evening every two weeks…….don’t be mean spirited!

2 things I’ve noticed in life: Everyone is always so generous with other people’s time.

And telling you that 9pm is early to go to bed.
If someone wants to or needs to go to bed at 9pm, that is up to them.

If you are going to give it a go (and I know this might sound daft but bear with me) but could you take your pjs / toothbrush etc and be totally ready for bed then all you have to do is get in the car, get dropped off and you can be in bed pronto as soon as you are home?

You should be embarrassed by this post

OP, tune out the morons on here who don't seem to comprehend that gasp people of all ages have different bodies and abilities.

My mum has parkinsons, now advanced. For years her ridiculous sisters in law refused to believe her condition because she 'looked fine', and still make massive assumptions about what she can and should be able to do. I've kept my mouth shut to avoid drama but when mum dies I'll be ripping them to shreds with abandon.

Would you feel better about agreeing to trial it once a month and offering to pay for a babysitter once a month?
Then that's only once a month that your early Monday start might be disrupted.
If the children are unsettled and don't sleep and that impacts their start to the week, their parents are likely to reconsider their attendance - that's for them to worry about really rather than you.
It sounds as though you have a nice balance of helping each other out so if you are able it would be a kind and generous thing to do.

I work in the GP surgery in my own village, it’s a 10 minute walk which I’m able to do. I am
then sat all day.

Our village has terrible transport links so I find the 1 hour journey with a change or two plus very restrictive bus times tricky for getting to the hospital.

I really value my Sunday nights to prep for the week and get to bed at a consistent time, so understand that it’s not ideal. I am younger and without the health/mobility problems, too.

In the balance, being part of their school night routine would be lovely. It won’t last forever. So I’d do it.

But I don’t think your hesitation comes from a selfish place. I’m sure if it were a little earlier you wouldn’t think twice.

I was with you until you said they drive you to appointments and cut your grass. I would say no, and get taxis and a gardener going forward then no one is beholden.
I’m a big believer in everyone paying for the help and care they need at all stages of life, then we all know where we stand.

You really shouldn't feel guilty if the eldest one's tired for school though.

I think very few parents of children these ages get to go out once a week together.

Did you? Did your mum babysit once a week?

I'm a few years older than you and have some mobility problems. I do some childcare for my daughter - 5 hours in the afternoon twice a week. It's a pain in the bum sometimes, there are often times I'd rather be doing something else and it can be quite draining. However, when I leave I'm always glad I do it because the gcs are on the whole quite a delight to me.

Having said that, I have to acknowledge that we're all different and have different limits - but two and a half hours twice a month seems like a very small ask to me.

I think in view of what you’ve said about them helping you, I would give this a go. And if it turns out that the kids are very difficult, just tell the parents it isn’t working out and you’ll have to stop.

Generally, you wouldn't be unreasonable to say no but they do a lot for you, so it would be nice if you could reciprocate in this ways. However, I don't want to make assumptions, as you do have health issues. If you really think you can't do it due to health issues, or that it would impact on your work, say no and explain it. Or maybe say once a month, or ask if there is an earlier session they can go to, or offer to give it a go and you'll let them know in a month if it is working out or not. You could also say yes on the condition that you are home no later than 9.30. It would be nice if you can but if you can't, you can't.