So angry what is wrong with some parents

[fumingrightnow1]

My dd14 was supposed to be sleeping at a friend's tonight. They have had an argument and she said let's just leave it and go to sleep her friend told her she had to leave so she's walked home and just come in the door at gone 10pm. I can't believe the mum didn't step in and do anything or let me know and I would've got her. I've said to dd why didn't you call me but she just shrugged and said she was fine walking and didn't want to stand outside waiting for me. Its about a 10 minute walk. I don't let her out on her own at this time of night. As a parent i would have stepped in and can't believe this other mum did nothing.

You said you thought your daughter just left the property and the mother would have heard

So your daughter isnt in the house at that time

Perhaps mum was in bed

So how would she get your number from your daughter. Perhaps your daughter gave her a mouthful of aggro?

Why is it her responsbility when your daughter didnt take responsbility and neither did you for not having any dialogue with this mum?

Like another post recently I think you’re misdirecting your anger here. I wouldn’t expect someone else’s parent to physically interject in my 13 year old’s argument with their child. She had no way to message you - your daughter is considered old enough to have her own social life so she needs to know how to take care of herself. It was on her to call you and on her to know your rules. My daughter isn’t allowed to walk home from dance at 10pm on her own but plenty of her friends are - no reason they’d know my rules and no reason for me to judge them for theirs. If something were to happen and my daughter needed a lift she’d need to tell me, I wouldn’t rely on another adult at this age.

You shouldn't have to rely on children or going to the house to get in touch with the responsible adult. Always swap numbers with the other parent.

No none at all.

Well - yes to a degree - but as the adult in this situation, would you not at least check that the kid was allowed to walk home? I certainly would.

In my opinion the responsibility lies with all three of them -

• Child should have called parent and ask to be picked up.

• The friend's parent should have checked that the child could walk home alone.

• OP should have already swapped numbers with the friend's parent so they had direct contact in case anything happened.

For example my DD was at ATC? It finished at 10, she could walk back in 10 mins ( all along a main road in a safe town) Most of the kids walked back if they lived close by

Why is that so dangerous.?

And should I have been leaving my 4 year old at home alone while going to meet her? Or drag him out of bed to then have to resettle him again . Or not allow DD Zto attend the ATC which took up most of her teen life and provided a lot of opportunities

I would imagine you are going to get a very different story from the other Mum.

In any case, your DD knew she wasn't allowed to walk home late at night, she could have phoned you and she didn't. So I hope you've had a serious chat about safety and handed out an appropriate punishment (maybe grounding for a week, followed by an early (6pm?) curfew for the rest of the school holidays, since clearly she can't be trusted to keep herself safe when allowed out alone.

YABU

DD should have phoned you

10 mins isn’t that long and it isn’t that late/ I have a 14yr old who is encouraged to walk home if needed from friends at 10pm and yes we live in a major city

why don’t you know the parents or have the number of the adults with whom your child is staying with

They could be reasons why she didn’t offer to take her home; no car, small children, had a drink etc

Yes, if mum has your number or knew you, you’d think she’d offer if none of the above reasons apply.

But you, your DD and the friend are the ones I’d be annoyed at, with other Mum coming in last

Sigh. I will happily change it to These type of threads OFTEN descend into everyone trying to show what cool relaxed parents they are.

Other people’s circumstances and life-experiences may have led them to being more careful surrounding safety. Rare to get a thread like this, eg should I let my teen go to this party, should I let my teen go on holiday with his mates etc, that instead of a debate into pros and cons, just becomes a pile-on of people being faux-outraged that others aren’t as lenient as them.

OP, your DD walked home at 10 pm so is it really that surprising that many people let their children walk home alone at 10 pm?

Fuck me.

Some of you need to have a think about what you would do if you were the other mother in this situation.
If you heard your 14 year old daughter arguing with her friend when she’s sleeping at your house, and your daughter was kicking her out, would you just allow it? Or would you step in? See if you could smooth things out, or at the absolute very least grab your car keys and give this child a lift home, seeing as it’s close to 10pm?
if yes, it explains a lot.
if no, and you would actually bother your arse to look after a child who is actually in your care, then wtf are some of your responses??

also ‘a 10 minute home in the dark at 14 is fine’ soon turns in to ‘why the hell was her mother allowing her out alone at that time?’ real fast when the worst happens.

That's not what I said. Please go back and read the thread properly.

She has a car, she doesn't have small children

Aren't all young women, whether they are 14 or 18, at some risk walking home alone at 10 pm? On the other hand, there is also some risk of getting into an accident if they are driving, or being driven by someone else. Probably the safest way to get around is by bus, especially if you live close to a bus stop.

I wouldn't personally have been bothered about her walking home for 10 mins in the dark presuming it was residential and not a remote walk. As other people said, your daughter should have called you if it was an issue.
I would probably have wanted to let you know she was coming home though but maybe she presumed she'd called you.

Unless you want to argue about it I don't really know why you would contact the mother now?

She got home ok

Use this as learning for the future. Have the conversation about what to do if she feels unsafe in a situation, or if she wants to go home early.

By arguing with the parent and the child you close any discussion. The parent will likely block you anyway.

You then to decide do you need all contact numbers of parents. You were letting your child stay over in a house that you don't know the parent or have a contact. And you haven't had a conversation about what to do if the child wants home early. That is on you

Don't listen to people who say that OP, they are either crap parents or want to seem laid back and cool on MN.

No self respecting parent would allow their 14 year old daughter to walk home in the dark alone

OK, so let's assume you've done this. What if the girl that DD has screamed at (reasonably) doesn't want to stay in your house? Are you going to hold her there by force or drag her into your car? We've had teens round who leave (after no argument, they just decide they want to go home) late at night. I will ask if they are ok for a lift getting home and they generally say "yes". If I know it's only a short distance I would not worry about them walking it. I certainly wouldn't insist that they couldn't. Sometimes they wait outside while a parent comes to get them. I tell them they can wait inside but they say they don't want to. Is there really more I could do?

This is a situation where your DD thought walking home was preferable to ringing you. Would she really have been amenable to the parent of her now ex-friend driving her home, insisting that she rang someone etc? I'm going to say that she probably wouldn't.

I think it's likely that the parent heard the argument but thought it would blow over and didn't realise that DD had left until she'd actually gone, at which point she would have assumed that DD would ring for a lift or a taxi or walk home if she thought it was safe to do so. 14 is an age where they don't always have an adult around. They need to take responsibility for making good choices themselves.

Yes I did say everyone, and you pulled me up on it and I changed it to ‘often’. Which is true, they often do!

Off to work now, so need to stop arguing semantics. OP I hope you get it all sorted amicably, and that your daughter & her mate resolve their argument. My teen DDs seem to be particularly argumentative at the moment which I have been blaming on the heat, but it’s colder now and they’re still at it 🙄