AIBU to think DH is a lazy selfish shit?

[Careerhelpppp]

We have two young children. I’m a SAHM and DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

His hours are long (although he is senior so there is some degree of flexibility - eg. He can take holiday without approval etc) and there is little chance of wfh. He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

As a result, I do absolutely everything in terms of the children. DH hasn’t cooked us a dinner in over 3 years, has done a bath time a handful of times EVER, has never taken part in weaning, has changed a nappy a handful of times, has never done a night feed and wouldn’t have a clue what vaccines they’ve had or their medical history.

I’ve bought this up with a few friends and responses range from “I’d never stand for that” to “well that’s what being a SAHM with a high earning DH entails!”.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time. And even when he is here, he often stays late at work or socialises with colleagues before coming home (way after the DC are asleep).

At the weekends he often spends a few hours at the gym, barbers, playing sport.

Can I ask whether this seems ‘acceptable’ to those on MN? I do not work and earn nothing.

As a sahm to a high earning husband he’s coming across to me as a bit shit, sorry.

I carried the bulk of the child rearing and domestic load, and facilitated his work, but dh loved coming home to us and chose us over other options.

He socialised and networked for work purposes but when being away from us was optional he’d rather be in the kitchen drying the dishes and chatting, than out with the lads or down the gym.

He intentionally selected hobbies like photography that were family focused, took us on hikes, bought a camper van, taught the dc to ski - everything basically revolves around family.

It’s not really about who does what - he was useless with nappies but held his nose and did the litter trays while I was pregnant, but more about being family focused or not.

I don’t think I’d feel secure taking the financial risks of being a sahm with a dh that wasn’t all in.

a close friends husbands earns millions - the pay off is that he is always travelling and very very busy, however, i know he still spends as much time as he can with the kids - albeit it is tight with his work schedule.

He sounds completely disengaged from being both a father and a husband. In what way does he show he is part of a family..ie his love for you? My husband has always been ft in a senior job but he would do all.his share of parenting..

Perhaps he had no role model of being a good dad and the whole thing is beyond him

If you said you were leaving would he have therapy ?

Where is the love between the two of you ?

Sounds like a conversation is missing here. You are concerned that he isn't spending time with the kids, but how does he perceive the current situation? I wonder if he is just continuing to do what he has always done as that is what has allowed him to function. Is there some fear changing may mean he doesn't cope at work? As it sounds like he has never tried to be more involved does he even know how? Such as are there activities that he could do with the children that fill the same need? That will all depend on the age of your children.

What a weird take.

Not really. So many SAHMs complain about their husband/partner even when they are working hard. OP said her husband works long hours, works away from home fairly often, financially supports her and their children, takes time off to go to their sports days and school plays and does housework.

The OP chose to have a second child with her husband. If he is so bad why have another baby?

So no then? He sounds like a lazy shit. Working in a job is MUCH easier than taking care of kids. You are being an idiot. MN is so depressing sometimes; so many posts are; I am slave or servant to all and have no money. This is not what our ancestors fought for! What are you showing your daughter? Sorry to be harsh but come on - you know he is being a shit!

@lauraloulou1 “Working in a job is MUCH easier than taking care of kids”

No it’s NOT! You have no boss, you have no deadlines, you can choose how much or how little you do each day. With all the modern conveniences we have nowadays, you don’t even have to go food shopping if you don’t feel like it.

Also I would suspect an affair at work or at least inappropriate boundary crossing or connection. Three nights a week out of the house when you have a wife and kids at home - its weird and creepy. Bet he buys the female interns lots of drinks and shows them pics of the kids. You deserve more than this OP.

Have you ever taken care of kids 24 hrs a day? Have you had a job you enjoyed or done well in? These are different planets.

Up until I was around 10/11, I was fond of him. He was better with me when I was a child than a tween/teen. Once I hit puberty, his interest waned. I think partly because he didn't know how to connect with me - as previously he was connecting more based on things he was interested in that a child would usually naturally be drawn to. E.g. outside activities in the garden or sports, or riding bikes and horses etc. We travelled abroad a lot and would spend time with him then, which we enjoyed.

Does he do things they want to do? Like if he is actually free and at home and they asked him to play with them.

I have this one very distinct memory of being left in my dad's sole care by myself as my mum took my sister somewhere. My dad came in my room and sat on the floor and played Barbie with me. He PLAITED her hair for me. I was gobsmacked. I remember asking him how he knew how to do that. He said he learnt it at scouts.😂

I remembered it ever after because it was the only time he ever looked at me by myself in a way that came down to my level and met my needs - was child led. I think it stung that I realised in that moment that he could, he just didn't want to or it wasn't a priority.

I haven’t voted, because I think you’re being slightly unreasonable in some ways and absolutely not in others! On the one hand, being a SAHM with a high earning man in a corporate/legal/City role inevitably ends up as being the “single parent with a wedding ring” to some extent. With the caveat that you also have a lot more money than most people!

I”ve been in your position and it is a very “traditional” set up, albeit one that works well if you can genuinely feel like a team; there’s no pressure on the earner to concentrate on anything other than work and no pressure on the person at home to do anything other than focus on the kids, other than cooking meal or whatever. I must say that my DH has always been a very devoted father….but I think if he’s honest now, he’d say he didn’t enjoy it that much when they were very small. And I do think a lot of men.feel like that about babies and toddlers, even if they don’t say so out loud. You say your children are very young and mention nappies, so I’m assuming you’ve not got to the talking and interacting stage yet?

I think i would try to have a conversation with him around this. Along the lines of “I get that babies aren’t always that rewarding from a dad’s point of view, but you need to put in the groundwork over time if you want to have a good relationship with them when they’re older”. I’ll add as a salutary tale - a friend of mine was talking about how several of his colleagues at work were telling him that their teenage daughters basically hated them. One of my teenage DDs commented that some of her friends felt like that; that they felt resentful that this parent, who they felt knew nothing of their lives or who they were, was suddenly telling them what to do/what GCSEs to take etc etc. Relationshios evolve and are built over time and you reap what you sow to a large extent. If he doesn’t put the legwork in when they’re small, he won’t get the benefits when they’re older. And my DH (who put in the effort despite not finding small kids that easy) now has a brilliant relationship with his teenage DDs and loves the fact they can joke and take the rip out of him and talk about the world. Your DH just needs to take the long view….

OP, how would he respond if you told him you were going away for a weekend by yourself, and he was solely in charge of the kids during that time? Would he be happy to step up and give you a break, or would he push back and refuse?

The OP and her husband chose to have TWO children. He can’t have been too “lazy or selfish” otherwise why have another child!

What happened when the children were born? If he was the one that was keen to have them is there a possibility he then worried that he wouldn't be a good dad so decided to step away from being an active parent.
Are there are dads and kids activities near you? There used to be a few things that ran near me that were to encourage dads to spend time with their kids doing an activity.

You are married to a man who wanted to have a wife and kids instead of wanting to be a husband and a father.

If he’s such a billy big bollocks at work then use the money to pay for help and support for you so you get some free time as well. I would also be considering what my options were to earn my own money because being a sahm with no independent income is such a precarious place to be.

Or it’s just the reality that caring for 2 children alone most of the time is more work than 1?

He would have to do more childcare so I doubt he would see it that be way.

Because she wanted two children.

OP said her first child is 5 and the second is 7 months old. Therefore she had a few years to see what sort of parent her husband was, before they decided to have another child.

As I said, looking after one child almost entirely on your own is still a totally different ballgame to looking after 2 almost totally on your own.

It’s not the gotcha you think it is.

Usually when people complain that their husband/partner is selfish and lazy on Mumsnet they have more than one child. I just don’t understand why you would have more if that’s how you feel about your husband/partner.

Any parent who is senior enough to be able take holidays whenever they want but CHOOSES not to take any during the school summer holidays does not value quality time with their children.

I don’t think it’s a “gotcha.”

OP had a few years to see how little or how much parenting her husband did before having another child. I just don’t understand the mentality to have another if you think your husband isn’t doing enough.

You are not unreasonable to feel this is a bad setup. But only you can change it.

He doesn’t miss the kids or want to spend time with them because he doesn’t have a deep relationship with them sadly. So it’s a vicious cycle.

So how do you change it? You need to get yourself a social life girl. Book stuff in. Once a week tell husband he must be home at x time to do bath and bed as you have booked into pilates / gym / pottery class / going raving - anything.

On the weekends book stuff in for yourself. Go visit old friends you haven’t seen. A really good approach can be do stuff with just one child, leaving him with the other. This is a great way to get him to bond.

I would say my husband was exactly the same when kids young except i also worked. Lockdown forced him to change and he’s now a wonderful father. But I have had to stop things slipping into their old patterns by arranging stuff for myself.

If he’s bringing in good money i’d also suggest spending some on some childcare so the two of you can reconnect on dates etc as your own relationship is also being left to wither.