AIBU to think DH is a lazy selfish shit?

[Careerhelpppp]

We have two young children. I’m a SAHM and DH works very long hours and brings home a great salary.

His hours are long (although he is senior so there is some degree of flexibility - eg. He can take holiday without approval etc) and there is little chance of wfh. He does take time off for things like school plays, sports day etc.

As a result, I do absolutely everything in terms of the children. DH hasn’t cooked us a dinner in over 3 years, has done a bath time a handful of times EVER, has never taken part in weaning, has changed a nappy a handful of times, has never done a night feed and wouldn’t have a clue what vaccines they’ve had or their medical history.

I’ve bought this up with a few friends and responses range from “I’d never stand for that” to “well that’s what being a SAHM with a high earning DH entails!”.

DH works away fairly often for a few nights at a time. And even when he is here, he often stays late at work or socialises with colleagues before coming home (way after the DC are asleep).

At the weekends he often spends a few hours at the gym, barbers, playing sport.

Can I ask whether this seems ‘acceptable’ to those on MN? I do not work and earn nothing.

To be fair this is how most of us with boomer parents were raised and we’re basically ok.

He doesn’t leave the house till 9. He’s hardly heading off down the pit.

And the OP doesn’t seem to have access to much money.

Erm no. Having done both I can attest that I’d much rather be at home with the kids. No boss, no deadlines, no stupid rules, no bitchy colleagues, can wear my PJs all day, nap when the kids nap, exercise…the list is endless.

He starts work at 9am (he doesn’t wfh.). He must have a commute.

He leaves the house at 9am, as stated clearly by the OP.

I’d work out a budget and lifestyle that could be managed on 1/2 to 2/3 of his income, present it and say I think our children would be better off and better set up as happy stable secure adults if they lived this life and got to have a present dad. I’m happy to get a job, I just need to feel like my children have a dad and I have some support. You get free time and hobby time and I don’t. I’m not less of a person than you.

I clearly misread it!!

A lot of men have children for the status. They don’t want to parent them past providing financially, they’d probably be happier if they could turn back time.
My DH works 7 to 7 in a normal role so has financial stress on top too and manages to be a very involved father. He wasn’t great when they were babies.

Because they want two children.

I genuinely don’t get what’s hard to understand about that. It’s always a question posed here “why have a second if he was useless with the first”?

Simply because she does not want an only child.

I am perplexed by why a woman has child 1 with a terrible partner. But somebody wanting more than one child makes perfect sense to me.

It really doesn’t make sense to me. We’ll have to agree to disagree.

You're describing that you are a full time mother and he is a full time (insert job title). What is the problem?

Personally, I would love to have the freedom to raise children and work on the house and learn new DIY skills, plus crack on with hobbies.

I would hope my partner would take an interest in the kids though and at least know how to care for them in case anything happened to me. That does seem a bit too detached, just from a purely practical stance, never mind an emotional one.

Have to be real though: I wouldn't be doing their laundry or anything else that was purely 'cleaning up after them' so clean your own shavings, toilet skid marks, wipe down countertops if you made a mess, do your own washing. I wouldn't tolerate being treated like his mother or cleaner.

But I wouldn't expect him to cook family meals unless he wanted to and I'd be sorting activities and anything child-related, bigger house cleans like vacs, dusting etc. But it would turn me right off if he never got involved or just never chose of his own volition to be helpful with family outings and itineraries - I like a man who can take charge and knows how to use machines, including washing machines.. nothing more offputting than a grown adult not being able to read a manual and figure out what a button means.

Anyway, have a chat about your feelings. It's hard but maybe he doesn't know how you feel and is totally amenable to making a few changes.

I’ve been a SAHM for nearly twelve years, and my mother was one as well. (Both grandmothers worked at least part-time, FWIW.) What I always say is that the job of a stay-at-home parent is to take care of the children and the house while the other parent is at work, not to take care of the children and the house 24/7. When your husband isn’t at work, there should be a pretty even divide between his watching the kids, your watching the kids, and the whole family doing something together. His contribution to the family needs to be as a parent forming personal relationships with his children, not just as a paycheque or as a guy who shows up on occasion to be the “fun parent.” YANBU.

Yanbu OP. We have a similar setup. I'm. SAHM, DH has a demanding job. He absolutely has his days where he comes home completely fried and barely able to function, but for the most part he comes home from work and picks up his fair share. I do all of the cooking and cleaning, DC are 8 and 4 so out at school during the day. But he rearranges his schedule to try and be home for 6 and have dinner with us and then bath them and put them to bed every weeknight. He doesn't manage it every day, has to travel sometimes or have late meetings etc. But fundamentally, being a high earner doesn't exempt him from being a parent.

Also, you two should have a joint bank account that both of you can fully and equally access, and agreed-upon rules between the two of you about your mutual spending habits. For example, my husband and I always run it by each other if either one of us wants to buy a single item that isn’t strictly necessary and costs $100 USD or more. Whatever rules you come up with will depend on how much money you have and your mutual financial goals.

The problem is that his full time job is 10 hours 5 days a week, while hers is 24 hours 7 days a week, with no respite time because one of the children is a baby and the DH doesn’t take holiday leave.

He isn’t lazy he’s working and providing for you all.
however I agree he is selfish - he seems to have continued living his single man best life. He doesn’t want to spend any of his time off with his wife and family.

yanbu to expect more.

I get you. But the child will be older eventually and until then will nap, sleep, be distracted with toys. Sounds like OP needs to get a support network in place to arrange playdates where other sahm's reciprocate. A little help from the partner at the weekend wouldn't go amiss in the meantime, I agree.

I don't think it's an unfair division of labour at all. I can see that it's hurtful that he doesn't seem to want more family time.

OP stated that “His parents were very neglectful. We actually have nothing to do with them.”

I wonder if he just doesn’t know how to interact with their children.

Not sure what previous world you are referring to.

All my female ancestors worked and brought up large families. Either on the land as farmers, labourers, or in a factory as cleaners, spinners or in a shop or /and at home ( sewing or taking in washing etc.) After all, children were also working down mines aged 5, ditto as scavengers picking up the rubbish under machinery in the factories, on farms etc from very young ages (5 +) until relatively recently historically.

I think the world you are imaging where women stayed at home was only for a number of relatively well off people where the man had a solid professional job or business.

In a relatively recent world where most people (men and women included) had no job security and could be dismissed on a whim, indeed some were on a system of 'flexible working' where they could be taken on for the day (or not) at local rural fairs or as eg dockers, it was crucial for survival that all members of the family worked if possible.

And, this was a world of insecure work that lasted well into modern times eg zero hours.

Can you elaborate on this? Does he make you ask for money, or are you able to spend what you need to spend to provide for yourself and the kids, or does he restrict access? Are you making NI contributions and payments into your pension?

I don't think it is acceptable, no. When do you have some free time for yourself then?
If you are a SAHM and he works long hours, it is understandable you do the majority of the work at home and childcare but I'd expect him to cook a meal or do bathtime or something with the kids every now and then? At least once a week...and try to be home to see the kids before they are sleep most of the time! If he cannot be on time because he needs to stay late for work that's one thing, but that he doesn't see the kids awake beacuse he is socialising is a joke!

The income disparity is only going to get greater the longer you are out of the workforce. I would start working part-time to build my career sooner rather than later.

Do you think this was your husband's idea of successful life? Or did he give the impression he'd be an involved dad before you married and had children?

@Careerhelpppp Forget everything else for now...do you want to go back to work in any capacity?