AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

According to people on this thread though, it isn’t her partner’s job to do anything for these kids either. I would probably offer to take turns - bearing in mind that the kids now have two very young half siblings and could very easily feel deprioritised overall. Step parenting does just involve having your life partly governed by the choices of the ex-partner, there’s no way round that. If there’s a way for DP to change hours that would seem fairer though.

Too expensive... and both parents too busy with work and new baby to look after the older children. Much easier for them to try to get you to do it, cheeky so-and-sos. I would nearly always help out a new mother, who might be desperate, but as you have a young child yourself I think you are right in wanting to prioritise them. Just say you are busy with your child and leave them to figure it out between them. They are trying it on a bit.

I would potentially offer to alternate weeks until the baby is a set age. Good coparenting relationships are important and it would seem unfair on the older kids that they feel pushed to public transport because of a new baby.

Why is dad treating his kids like an inconvenience ? He works longer hours on that day to make up for the shorter hours he works while he has his kids. He and his ex should work things out for themselves, not try to pass off the responsibility onto OP. And at 13 and 16 the kids are old enough to use public transport.

Cut his hours so that his ex isn't inconvenienced by having to collect her own children? She will be willing to take a cut in financial support because of his reduced salary I presume?

She's been coming but apparently it's not working around the baby at the moment. I don't know exactly what she said as she spoke to DH.

As far as I can make out, her partner lives quite a way away with his own children. He stays with them when he doesn't have his kids but I'm assuming he has them during this time so can't do it / is too far away. I don't really know.

They stay with each parent for the week (dropped off / picked up on Fridays). They wouldn't want to leave their gaming stuff for a whole week at one house. Especially during the holidays.

At that age, can’t they use public transport or DH pay for an uber? I mean, the 16yo will potentially be at uni/working in 2 years. Surely they are old enough to get home and take younger sibling, especially if this is a temporary thing with DH working and ex having a new baby?

I think it would be ok to agree to a temporary change while the baby is too little to spend a lot of time in a carseat. The temporary change should be a taxi or Dad takes kids home later (after work). Then Mum resumes collection at appropriate time. I think it is fine for you to keep out of it!

A man who at least prioritises his older children. But he's left his new baby in the lurch, and his stepchildren with his baby's mother.

Why do men get opt out of everything.

Why did the ex have a baby under those circumstances. Can the older children stay with dad and the op for another night.

Their own DM deprioritised them. OP does not have to step up to mitigate the impact on the DSC, so that the DM does not come off badly/have to take any responsibility for impacting their life because she had another baby.

@LarryParker how much later is he working? Can he not just drop them off then!

Where’s her partner?
can’t he watch the baby, pick the kids up

She needs to collect. Her new partner needs to look after their shared child while she does this if the baby can't come in the car.

This
day your not doing it
they either get on a bus or their mum comes to get them
or their dad takes them when he gets back

I think you need to sort this as it’ll be an ongoing problem x

This is not your responsibility! It’s up to their parents. Why should you pop out with your little one any more than she should pop out with hers?

The partner is looking after his own kids from a previous relationship. Doesn't live anywhere near the ex or his baby and doesn't do anything for his stepkids, either.

Then they work out what they want and take responsibility for taking it between the houses. Or if your DH paid for consoles at your house then their DM gets them one for her house or they save up.

Honestly, the minute they have to cart their own stuff around, they'll be able to prioritise what they really want and use.

What time does DH actually finish?

Could he not just drop them when he gets home?

Can he not drop them home the day before?

It seems pointless them staying another night when they’ll be at school most of the day.

What a mess of complications for all these children. Feel bad for the older ones.
Anyway I’d rather do a 1h 20m rush hour drive with a tiny baby than a tired 4 year old. YANBU.

Swap change over day to Saturday morning? Then your partner can do it. Offer a change until the end of November say.

Mad isn't it?

He finishes at 9 and is usually home around 9:30

Ok. And can he not take them the?

The actual issue here is one I saw played out with my STBXH.
Such a fragile relationship with his kids that he is too scared to introduce perfectly normal options like get a bus, or ask then to cope for a few days without gaming equipment.

seen it to ludicrous levels and am very glad to be away from the whole bizarre setup.

Do the kids really want to do 50/50? Are they happy with moving every week? If they're carting everything but the kitchen sink between houses, then perhaps it's time to rethink the arrangement.