AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

No it wouldn’t be a discussion because they would be her children and she would be one of the responsible parents.

Their mother has chosen to have another child. That child has a father who can pick up his step children or look after his own child whilst the mother picks up the children.

Their mother can pay for a taxi to chauffeur them and their bag loads of stuff.

They can learn to use buses like the vast majority of teenagers.

Their dad may be able to accommodate the change short term.

How about a thought for the four year old who will miss out on the little time they have with their mother at the end of the working day, so that two teenagers don’t have to learn to use a bus and their mother doesn’t have to bother picking them up?

There is no reason why the OP should be the default taxi service and the OP’s child should miss out on her time when multiple other options are available to the ex, the DH and the SDC.

So we’re only talking about her picking them 2 Fridays out of 4?

Wow. She needs to crack on.

A twenty minute journey isn't long so can't be that far away, people travel longer than that for work.

At 15 and 16 I would have thought the children could make their own way as kong as public transport is reasonable.

I am of course speaking as someone who lives ion the outskirts of London with trains and buses that go everywhere. I realise it is not the same for everyone.

They seem to be happy but I don't know for sure obviously. It's not up to me to encourage/ discourage a change in the status quo though.

Kids get the bus straight to their Mum’s house from school and their Dad drops their stuff over when he’s finished working late. Assuming he wants to be helpful.

OP, it is utterly thankless to get involved with this.
"Eaten bread is quickly forgotten" and all that.
Once you say yes, you are in their loop for arrangements.
You will regret it.
Don't get involved.

Why does the stepmother have to step up where the mother is lacking?

Jeezo. Not your kids or responsibility - their parent’s responsibility. FFS.

They have a biological mum who can get off her ass and pick them up. It’s not OP’s issue that there’s a Jeremy Kyle set up at the DM’s house where her partner doesn’t even live with her.

The setup is that the parent who is beginning their time collects the DCs. Just because she decided to move the goalposts by having a baby with a man who doesn’t live with her and has his own DCs to take care of, doesn’t mean that it’s now your responsibility to facilitate this.

This is why you should never marry a man with DCs.

It’s up to her to get them or their father can drop them home later. As a be off I’d agree as a regular thing no way

DH Ex has changed the goal posts. YANBU to not facilitate her new arrangements.

Although I do think that DC will opt to come less if they have to get the bus and your DH may resent you for not helping.

Can they change the changeover day to Saturday or Sunday?

Their mother can pay for a taxi to chauffeur them and their bag loads of stuff.
They can learn to use buses like the vast majority of teenagers.

Why such a bitter tone toward these dc?

He's popped out a 4 year old. She's popped out a baby. All the adults in their lives who thought it was fine to start producing more and more offspring in what was already a tricky set up all need to give their heads a good wobble and stop treating the children like an inconvenience

TBF it's just as Jeremy Kyle at the other house where a new child seems to have arrived on the scene even more swiftly

Anyone asked the kids opinion on this? I think the fact you say you ‘can’t be bothered’ screams unreasonable. How old is your young child? I wouldn’t want to come in and out with a baby either irrespective of the distance or road works. She’s asked quite a reasonable request in my opinion. Her new partner could surely help out if you can’t be bothered or can he not be bothered either? They’re 16 and 13 and if they still want to see their Dad and “your” child presumably their step-sibling I’m not sure why you would put the brakes on that.

No their mother needs to stick to the longstanding agreement. Easy. If they get upset, people can point out it’s their mother who can’t be bothered. She sounds really lazy and horrible. OP and DH stuck to their end of the bargain when they had their child, no reason their DM can’t do the same. Single parent or not.

I’d argue that a 4yo needs more structure and routine than a 2 month old baby… I’d not be throwing my tiny persons routine out of whack for someone else’s that doesn’t actually have a solid routine yet.

You three adults and those 4 kids are one family unit, in my opinion. She's got a new born, something needs to shift to work with everyone. And that will have to change and adapt over time as the family grows. So personally, I would also nit want to be ferrying kids around, but I've been those kids, it's but fun for them either. Maybe everyone takes turns, maybe the father changes his work routine, whatever it is, it's for the 3 parents of the children to work it out together.

I think waiting for dad to finish is rubbish on the kids ... hanging around to wait for dad to finish work instead of being able to relax through the evening, settle down without clock watching to have to go out again.

Nah, mum wants the change, she has to either sort out taxi/bus or pick them up at normal time.

So their dad doesn't get judged for having another child but their mum does? Personally I judge both of the parents for producing more children rather than prioritising the children they already have.

Yet here you are doing just that.

No, because they could stick to the agreements when they had another child, and have a decent family structure. Their DM can’t cope and does not. So yes, more judgement for her; she wasn’t in a good position to have another child.

OP does not have to step up to hide the fact the mother will not.

Don’t be ridiculous.

My DC could find their way around on buses and trains at a younger age than these children. I would also have paid for a taxi if they needed it and I was unable to collect them. Like most parents we also had to do pick ups of older children with younger children in tow.

The DC have a step father who could look after his own child so that their mother could ferry them around.

Its not “bitter” to see how utterly unreasonable it is for the OP to be expected to provide a taxi service at a cost to her own child.