AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

Where's her partner? Why can't he either mind the bsby or do collections?

Why is it you, her ex's partner is being asked to adapt rather than current partner?

I agree!

I think H's concern is that the harder work it is to come here though, getting two buses with all their heavy stuff, the less they'll bother now they are getting older.

They do tend to get chauffeured a lot. I don't think they've ever been on a bus to be honest!

At those ages they can get the bus surely?!

It could be reasonable. It depends on really a lot of nuance.

the reason you aren’t being unreasonable is it isn’t your responsibility no matter how much you love or are involved with the kids.

the usual arrangement is they get picked up rather than dropped off. So she’s asked her co-parent to help her out by doing a drop off instead. A reasonable adjustment could be yes I will but it has to be later because of work.

you don’t have a BM problem here you have a husband problem. He’s putting his issues in you. It’s his logistics to fix. He can offer a different modification or he can say no, and then she has to fix it.

i find I try and err on making genuinely reasonable adjustments because it’s support in the bank when I want one. But it’s his to fix not yours. He’s being unreasonable making out you should do this, but I don’t think BM is being unreasonable asking. He can say no after all.

No, they don't.

Did she do both when your baby was born? I’d stay out of it they need to figure it out for themselves.

So his solution is to put you out for his convenience as well as his ex wife's? What an inconsiderate human being.

We aren't the ones asking to change the long standing routine, she is. So surely it's on her to find a compromise like paying for a taxi, getting them earlier, arranging it with her own partner?

Their mum doesn’t get to shirk her responsibility to her older children just because she’s had another, so she needs to make the necessary arrangements (like paying for taxis, or nominating another friend/relative to collect the kids on her behalf). If your DH is keen on maintaining a good relationship with his ex then he could offer to change the handover date so that he can do the drop off himself. But it’s a problem for them to resolve, not you!

How late does your husband finish work? Can he drive them over when he finishes? It’s not as if they’re going to bed very early at 13 and 16

I completely agree with you here just keep saying no and don’t justify or explain your no. ‘That doesn’t work for me.’ Is a perfectly good answer.

Perfect time to start getting a bus then, isn't it?
If your husband thinks he hasn't got enough of a relationship with the kids and they only visit because it is convenient, he has bigger issues than no transport.

@LarryParker I have suggested taxis before but it's too expensive apparently.

This is just insulting. The cost of taxis is the reasonable value for the time and effort required to drive someone somewhere. Obviously all parents act as unpaid taxi drivers for our own children. Expecting you to act as unpaid taxi driver for their children is quite simply telling you that they think your time is worthless. It is not.

Yes, it absolutely is. You’re being perfectly reasonable.

How often does this happen (sorry if I missed this)? I think I’d be willing to do it once a month ish. Ex she can do it once a month with baby and her partner can do it once a month. Or can your DH just start at the crack of dawn each day or SC go to mums later when he has finished work. It’s tough working full time with a 4 yo and I completely get if you feel some yield would lead to a creep to you mostly doing it (and if it’s be once per week I’d definitely not do it!).

This thread so far is why "blended" families don't work. An opportunity to be a great step mother ruined. And I thought my step mother was a grade A see you next Tuesday- she'd have loved reading this.

Same.

Your issues with your stepmother are irrelevant to OP not putting herself out to accommodate a woman who’s had a baby and now can’t be arsed picking her older kids up. You’re being very unpleasant to OP who is doing nothing wrong and thankfully nearly all of the other replies she’s had don’t agree with you.

Of the 4 adults involved, two step parents and two actual parents of the kids who need transport, why is it on OP to make all of the effort?

I actually don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

I think it's absolutely fine for the ex to say that she doesn't want to continue chauffeuring round a 13yo and 16yo who should really be a bit more independent now anyway, given she has a young baby to care for. Makes no difference that it's a 'longstanding arrangement'.

Equally, fine for you to say that you don't want the bother of dropping two teens home. No reason why you should be put to any inconvenience, you're not their parent.

If this makes the teens less likely to come to your house because it's more annoying for them, then your DH will either have to change his working hours, give them a lift when he gets back from work or shell out for a taxi. Or accept the relationship is changing now they're getting older (they're more likely to want to spend time in a single base) and make peace with that and find other ways to protect his bond with his children.

So she had a baby and now wants to make that your problem?

Nope - tough luck! The baby needs to come or she needs to find someone to watch him/her

Bloody good question! I’m afraid mum still needs to pick up her dc.

They could get the bus and then either your husband could drop their stuff across later, or ex-wife could pop across once the baby is off to sleep (presumably the 16 year old could be left in charge if partner isn't around).

Uber?

And people say step children are treated the same as biological children... But in this case the mum is the issue, she chose to have another kid (don't they always), so she needs to deal with it. Not op. Not your circus op - she needs to manage it. Poor kids.