AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

Depends really, how often/what percentage of time he has them

Exactly. Not their choice to have two homes and have to shuttle their belongings. Not their choice for their parents to shack up with new partners who clearly see them as an inconvenience. Not their choice to see both parents pop out new babies and treat the new babies as the priority. What a shit hand.

Could you not do it Saturday morning, if your husband works , I mean really it twice a month !! is it really too much trouble for you , or take them home straight from school.. then your have time with your daughter and it won’t upset her bed time

take them home straight from school

As I've said, I work. I can't take stuff to school and I can't take them straight after school. I am in work.

Maybe they should bring less stuff. Do they each have a large suitcase? Can they leave it in the school reception in the morning and then go straight to the bus home afterwards? A thirteen year old and a sixteen year old should be more than capable of changing buses.

Can’t they travel straight to their mums from school, then DH can run their stuff over as soon as he gets back from work?

Lots of people have babies and still have have to go out and meet their other obligations. The children's mum is not unique in this. it's not that hard to put a baby in its car seat and drive 20 minutes, once a week, to collect her other children.
I wouldn't let them go home on the bus - it will take ages and if something goes wrong, like the 2nd bus not turning up, someone will have to go and collect them anyway. Besides, it will make the kids feel like an inconvenience - mum has a new baby and now cba to meet them. That's not a message anyone wants these children to absorb.
Dad has a job - it's not that he isn't centre g his kids, he's just not centering his ex wife. And that's fair enough.
I also hope he hasn't volunteered the OP for this - if he had, then he needs his arse handed to him.
If money isn't a big issue, I'd be inclined to buy a second console for mums house even though your Dh bought their existing one. I think you can log into the account and play on any console. So games would be saved. Even if not, it's got to be better than lugging a PlayStation from house to house.

These two kids are living with their mother. Least their father can do is at least take care of their drop and pick up when they are visiting him. It should not be mother’s responsibility. Op can say no her husband, nothing wrong with that. But mother is also not wrong. It’s father’s job to sort their transportation.

Why mother has to pick up the kids? Her job is to look after the kids when they are with her. Kids came to OP’s house to visit their father, father should drop them to their regular home. I am assuming they stay with their father on the weekend coming on Fridays.

@Redpaisley at least read the OPs posts. The first line is that dh snd his ex share custody.
This isn't a case of mum doing all the work and dad doing eow. They also split the drop off/collection. Mum is now asking for dad to do it all!

At least read the OP’s posts @Redpaisley you’re talking nonsense.

This. Poor kids

By the time I was 14 I was going on my own on the train to see my Dad, they should be able to make their own way there, or partway.

Poor kids. Abandoned now mummy had a new baby

yew it’s not ideal to drag a newborn out - tho resist then dragging a 4yr out

equally they are portable and mum needs to carry on with the usual arrangement so she should be picking up as usual or means you /dh are doing all the driving

I'm afraid Dad with his Big Job will have to drive them home after he finishes at 9, or they get some other form of transport. It's the least good option to expect the one adult here who's not their parent, and who has a small child with the bedtime routine that will be most disrupted by this, to do it.

I would say the children come first even if inconvenient for all the adults involved. It’s far from ideal for teens to constantly move between houses with all their stuff that they need.

I would do it OP if you can. It’s not forever, hopefully the oldest can learn to drive before long and it will enhance your relationship with your step dc.

I would have said get the bus at those ages but as you have explained they can't really due to the amount of stuff. It's once a week, I would just do it with the proviso it's a temp arrangement until the baby is a bit more settled. As a step parent you do need to make some compromises. There's always threads on here that make step kids out be an inconvenience rather than them to be a loved member of the family. It's not really fair on the kids to feel 2nd class because they have newer siblings on either side.

There DM can pay for a taxi or they can get the two buses. I don’t understand why people pair up with single parents and not expect that there will be compromise in the relationship, on both sides. Can the DM new partner collect his step children. They are old enough not to need ferrying between homes if they had everything they need at your home too. They shouldn’t need to drag baggage every few days.

Any cms being paid?a taxi from that pot could work.

Ex can't complain when she's the one wanting them dropped back.

From secondary school age our 3 x dc used public transport a lot . We lived 20 odd miles apart..

Personally I think at those ages they should get the bus. It's a good life skill to have. However, depending on the specific reason and wording of request, I'd consider doing it some of the time to keep the peace/foster good relations. If it was a short term thing. For eg, some infants have extreme car seat aversion and scream hysterically the whole time. If it was a short term issue like that and she didn't feel safe driving, my suggestion would be you do it one week, their dad takes them late after work the next, they get the bus the following, then you only have to do it once every 3 weeks. There needs to be some compromise, not it all being on you.

But if it's suggested as a permanent thing I wouldn't agree, your time and your 4 year olds is important as well.

No cms in 50/50 custody.

Did ex do extra pick ups or give him time to bond with the newborn 4 years ago.
Poor children shafted on both sides.

I’d help out once or twice to show the kids and his ex that you’re united as a family (you may also get to have a cuddle of the baby) but then a different plan needs to be in place so it’s not in any way on you. #sisterhood

I don't think it's fair to say the kids are being shafted on both sides. Dad is doing his full 50%, including his half of the driving. He shouldn't really have to come home late and then drive the kids to mum's, just because she cba to put her baby in the car and collect her kids.

so this is a trip she has to do twice a month? I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all. if it’s a big issue with the baby then she needs to find someone to watch the baby whilst she picks her other kids up. simple as that.

A couple of good options could be:

Go through the stuff they are carting backwards and forwards; DH and ex go halves on buying a second setup so they need to move less between houses. Then they take their stuff to school.

Kids pack their stuff in the morning, go to school, then get bus to mums from school. Mum picks their stuff up from yours at a time which suits her/baby.

Kids pack their stuff, get bus to mums from school. Dad drops their stuff off once he finishes work.