AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

TBH I don't see why you can't help out now and again. You don't need to make it a regular thing. The obvious solution though would be for your DH to not work late on the changeover day. Is it possible that he change this?

its a difficult one

I would agree to drive the DSC on some occasions when baby is sick.
Ideas for if their mother can't pick them up ..
Kids take much less stuff neatly in a suitcase with them to school and take the bus home to Mum. (Dad drives rest of stuff over after work.)
Kids and all stuff driven to school in morning by Dad. Mum picks them up from school with baby earlier in day. (Or Dad drives extra early to drop off stuff at Mum's before dropping them to school. Kids travel home from school on bus.)

The mother needs to suck it up. Many of us have had to pick up older children with a baby in tow. Sometimes going to 2 different schools or staying after for sports practice in all weathers. It's just part of having more than one child. As pp said too, she is probably on maternity leave. Baby will get used to sleeping in cars seats and pushchair.

So what happened in the end OP? I think you are right to draw a boundary here.

Not your problem to solve.

maybe could suggest loving handover day though? Saturday morning so baby doesn't sleep late in the car?

They are one week with her and one week with us, it's always been that way.

I've told DH no. I don't know what, if anything, she's said.

How ridiculous, I bet the mother takes the baby out in the car. It’s just one of those things, if the mother is not happy with them walking or catching a bus back then she needs to pick the children up.

In a year or so the eldest will drive so they can take care of this themselves, she needs to put up with the arrangement till then, that’s all I’d say to her.

They need to work it out between themselves. Your baby shouldn’t be put out because of her baby.

If you read the post you know its 50/50 one week on one week off. So no transport should be split the same way. They live between both parents they arent visiting its their home

Dads "big job" likely pays towards the home and bills for the family, including his older children. He has set his working hours up around his children, including his teens as that's the day they go to mums. He isn't the one trying to change the routine here

Maybe mum needs to stick to the existing arrangement of picking her kids up and not ditch her responsibility to her older kids now she has a new baby.

Or she needs to come up with a solution that works for the kids that doesn't rely on their dad changing his entire work routine, the kids waiting until after 9.30pm or OP doing it, when OP has said it doesn't suit her routine. This pick up is, and always has been mums trip so she needs to sort it in a way best for the kids

Uber?

I don’t know why people are criticising OP or her DH?

Simply put the DC live with each parent 50:50, and pick ups/drop offs have been shared 50:50. ExW has unilaterally asked this to change to DH doing 100% of pick ups/drop offs because she has a small baby. OP has said she will not be doing it because she has her own job and her own child to see to. DH can’t do it because he is at work.

It is completely ok to say no, this doesn’t work for you. I would agree to flexibility in the time she collects DSC, so she doesn’t have to wake the baby up to get in the car. Put it back in her basket: she can collect the DSC any time between say 2pm & 7pm. And if she can’t make that, then let you know & you’ll give them tea & keep them overnight. Or whatever timing works for you & DSC.

They aren't visitng their Dad, they live with him and OP 50% of the time or didn't you read what the rest of us did.

It's their Mum who wants to change what's worked for years, not Dad and it's for the parents to sort out between themselves, not OP place to get invovled.

If Dad wanted to change it, he'd be getting called every name under the sun on here instead some posters have said he should cut his hours because his ex no longer wants to collect her own children

If this was a Dad asking the mum to drop off the kids because his excuse was he had a new baby the whole thread would be full of people saying that he chose to have another baby and he shouldn’t dare change a single thing about his older children’s routine for his new family. The same goes when it’s the Mum.

She decided to have a baby with an unstable partner who doesn’t even live with her and she needs to continue to look after her older children the same way she did before and not be asking her ex’s new wife to pick up the slack.

Could they go home straight from school and their Dad drops all their stuff round later?

Good for you.

Christ the reading comprehension in this thread is really poor. The kids are living with BOTH their parents, as it is a 50-50 arrangement - 1 week with mum then 1 week with dad - so no it isn’t solely the father’s responsibility to sort their transportation! He is already doing his fair share (i.e. 50% of pick ups/drop offs) and presumably he continued doing his fair share even after having his own newborn with OP, so now the children’s mum needs to do the same.

Her having a baby shouldn't impact the contact arrangements for her existing children. She needs to take the baby out with her, that's just the decision she's made. It's not your responsibility to cover her pick ups

Either he drops the kids back at 10pm

or drops them back on Saturday morning.

the other thing the kids can do is store their games on a hard drive and then it’s only that they need to transport if they have things in each house

or - and this is controversial for 2026 - they sick it up for the next few weeks/months until their mother has her routine in place better with the baby.

if this dh later night is a one off, I’d say he drops them back on Saturday morning

Good on you OP. I can think of SEVERAL very easy solutions off the top of my head - their pick up/drop off day changes to Saturday morning after your DHs long shift, so he can fo it; Mum collects them earlier at least in the summer hols; DH takes them back straight after long shift - 9.30pm isn't late at all for their ages, plus it's Friday so not a school day.
Sorted, no need to push any of this on you at the end of your busy week.

At 13/ 16 a 9.30 PM drop off is fine. Their dad can take them after work.

The kids may not want to wait until 9.30pm to go back to mums. They may want to stick to the original arrangement and get settled for the evening, rather than clock watching.

I don't think the kids should be inconvenienced here. Nor should the dad or the op.

It's once every 2 weeks ... surely mum can stick to the arrangements that is in place and works well for her children