AIBU to have the ick over this?

[InconsiderateBoyf]

I'm in what some would consider a long term relationship. Been with my boyfriend a few years. Don't live together, each have one child similar ages, rarely spend time all together with the children too, just due to busy lives (I work weekends)

So this weekend we went to a large park which also has deer there...on entry I'd bought both our children animal feed, so they could feed the deer.
A short while after, boyf goes into the little shop and reappears with ice creams... initially I thought he'd bought us all one, then noticed there was only two.
Great I thought, he's bought both our children one...but no! He'd bought himself and his child one, no fucks given whatsoever about my child.

Now, I don't expect handouts. But these ice creams were £1 each. But it's more the fact he didn't consider my child.

I think it was a bit of a realisation at how selfish this man can be and has made me reconsider our whole relationship, to be honest.

AIBU to be so peeved by this? It has given me the serious ick.

Why would we 'merge finances' if we didn't live together?

I think it's important that we are each accountable for our our incomes and outgoings. We do buy one another things at times, a coffee etc, or using one anothers vehicles to get somewhere (fuel) it's not all halved. Just bigger treats like meals out, we go halves.

Sorry m, I may have assumed the wrong thing as you said he lived like a teenager.

I think you have not done anything wrong, you waited your time to introduce the children and have been good to his. I am just suggesting that after knowing him properly for three years you have now the information to decide whether it is a good idea to stay committed to this person or release him back into the wild. I would say the same if you were married to him. Nice thing of not being married is that it is much easier to untangle yourself from unfulfilling relationships but if you are happy with things as they are… just carry on and get your own ice creams.

Ewwwww! Stingy and poor manners! Beyond ick!

In one way, I'm really glad this has given you the ick OP. You sound like you've got your head screwed on correctly. While he may well have been waving some green flags in your general direction, sometimes it only takes a small red flag to tip you off to what someone is really like. Glaringly obvious to you once it has involved your child.

For those trying to justify this as 'maybe he forgot', just no!

As a child, one of mum's friends was stingy. They didn't have a lot of money and neither did we, but she would have chocolate biscuits at home for her and plain biscuits for her children. Her children were able to purchase a chocolate biscuit from her if they had done their jobs and earned their pocket money. This was the 70s. The boys got 10 cents a week. A chocolate biscuit from her stash was also 10 cents.

On hot days she had no qualms buying herself an ice cream and not buying her own children an ice cream. Mum felt very sorry for them, but she certainly didn't have the money to buy 5 people an ice cream. By the age of 8, I certainly had enough manners to know not to ever ask for something when we were out with them. At that age I knew it would be rude to eat an ice cream in front of someone who couldn't have one too. This guy is a grown adult. If he truly couldn't afford to offer an ice cream to the OP and her child, the least he could have done was a quick chat about them each buying their own.

It would be interesting to know what tjat mums relationship was like with her kids once they were adults? Or with any grandchildren who may of come along

OP, just rip the band aid off and dump him. He is a place filler, find someone with manners and common curtesy. 3 yrs is too long with tolerating this guy who will not even give a thought to your child whilst you think about his.

@InconsiderateBoyf have you ended it?

No, haven't seen one another yet and want to chat in person.
I am definitely raising it when we do, I'm not ignoring this, as it's not acceptable.

Your last two responses sound like you are happy to continue the relationship, I think that happens some times on mumsnet in fairness.. someone posts a questions and are met with all sorts of posts bad mouthing him, and accusing him of all sorts, name calling etc, that are quite OTT compared to the issue posted about, and then the OP automatically thinks, well he's not THAT bad actually.

Out of interest how does he treat YOU op, does he do nice things on your birthday and is thoughtful, treat you well in the relationship, or is he completely lacking in that regard too?

I personally couldn't be with someone who only treated me to coffee if I returned the favour/took turns etc, and was so transactional that he wouldn't even think to buy a child in his company an ice cream .. being with someone that inconsiderate would be soul destroying for me.

Not necessarily the case.
I feel it's fair to talk about things with him and hear his excuses/reasoning and I'll go from there. Currently he has no idea I am thinking how I am thinking.

My priority is, and will always be, my child and that we have a good and secure relationship and make lots of nice memories.
My child still had a nice time at the deer park and gets on well with my boyfriend's child.

Ugh this would give me the biggest possible ick..What a thoughtless, selfish, penny pinching selfish pig.

It would be the absolute end for me..

This wasn’t an eye opener?

In all honesty, no.

Because given the circumstances, it 'worked'.
He didn't see my child over the xmas period (we do things separately and both have to work) so it wasn't like we were together with children and opening presents.
Therefore his lack of present wasn't noticed by my child, because they got gifts from other people, in person. So there wasn't a point where they'd have wondered why {my boyfriend} turned up empty handed.. because he didn't turn up.

If that makes any sense!

How did his DCs get Christmas presents from you?

I gave him them on advance to give to his child.

I know he could have done the same, but he didn't.

I asked before but you didn't really answer, how does he treat you OP? Birthdays, special occasions, is he thoughtful/generous then? Does he ever treat you for the sake of it?

When you previously handed him presents for his child how did he react? Did he say anything about the fact he had chosen not to buy your child anything? Was he embarrassed?

How was his reaction? Did he apologise for not handing you a gift for your DC? Or was he oblivious that he had not reciprocated? Or did he promise to give a gift later, which never materialised?

Did you actually get a thank you from the child?

I asked earlier about this as I wonder whether his stinginess extends into him just giving them to the child and not explaining who they were from (and passing them off as his own gifts).

He is a Useless User. His child gets extras from you, your child gets nothing from him. Is that right?

He is using you so that his life is enhanced and yours is diminished. So enhance your life by dumping him.

My mother also gave presents and bought stuff to her boyfriend’s children, to make them love her basically. He never once offered to buy anything for me when he did his children in front of me and I was too young to even have money with me (we are talking lollipops, magazines). My mother included them in shopping trips and got them clothes and whatever they wanted.

It’s very hurtful to see the difference, specially when the mom makes much more of an effort with the others. As a child this hurt might not get mentioned to the mother (or it might, but it will be justified because of making them feel included). But they will remember.

so good job at noticing and hopefully you’ll make sure this doesn’t happen again, one way or the other.