AIBU to have the ick over this?

[InconsiderateBoyf]

I'm in what some would consider a long term relationship. Been with my boyfriend a few years. Don't live together, each have one child similar ages, rarely spend time all together with the children too, just due to busy lives (I work weekends)

So this weekend we went to a large park which also has deer there...on entry I'd bought both our children animal feed, so they could feed the deer.
A short while after, boyf goes into the little shop and reappears with ice creams... initially I thought he'd bought us all one, then noticed there was only two.
Great I thought, he's bought both our children one...but no! He'd bought himself and his child one, no fucks given whatsoever about my child.

Now, I don't expect handouts. But these ice creams were £1 each. But it's more the fact he didn't consider my child.

I think it was a bit of a realisation at how selfish this man can be and has made me reconsider our whole relationship, to be honest.

AIBU to be so peeved by this? It has given me the serious ick.

It's not the kind of behaviour I would exhibit, if on a trip with someone I would always ask if others wanted something. That being said, on your own admission you would never want to live with him as it would drive you crazy. You call him your boyfriend but you are rarely together as a unit so he clearly doesn't consider your child to be anything to do with him.
Might be time to reconsider the relationship and ask yourself where you think it is headed.

No, unfortunately not.

I got my child one.

Was referencing this.

No, he didn't. I got my child one.

It is not even about being a family unit. It is simply rude. It would give me the ick too

Was this the first time he done something like that? Like, was he always attentive and considered of your child before this incident? Shown interest, took notice?

I mean, if it was a one off I would give him a strong reaction and see if he fares better next time. But if this is a culmination of previous misdeeds, then it would be the end for me.

@InconsiderateBoyf Have you explicitly asked him why he did not get anything for you or your DC, how did he explain it?

That's so rude and thoughtless. I would seriously consider throwing this one back if that's how he behaves.

He was in the company of two children - regardless of who they are and he only bought one of them an ice cream?! That is terrible. You dont leave one child out. Bin him

But he won't be ( a step dad ), because if he behaves like this towards my child currently, he doesn't deserve that right.

But he has always behaved like that towards your child.. so he has never deserved that right, he accepts presents and cards off you for his child, but never ever does that for you child, you split the cost of going out every time you are out together. So the precedence is that he would pay for him and his child .. and you would pay for you and your child.. which is what he did .. in his mind he has done nothing wrong because it is what he has always done and you've never mentioned it before, which is why he didn't realise his "mistake" or offer to rectify it.

All that information is already there, you've just chosen to ignore it/rationalise it.

He's happy to take as long as you give, but will never give a penny more than he feels he is 'obliged' to .. yes, you absolutely need to look for someone as generous and caring as yourself, there is no need to tolerate this level of selfishness ever, you want someone to WANT to be a decent human being.

I hope you tell him he's flushed your relationship down the toilet over £1.

My mother has been with my stepfather since I was five. I am now nearly fifty.

He was precisely like you describe in your first post when I was five, and I remember very clearly my mother always buying two of everything, and him getting one of everything.

It did not change!

Apart from the fact that he is clearly a selfish <insert your choice of word here>, my step sibling became an obnoxious child and grew into selfish adult.

I would consider this man's behaviour a red flag about how he will continue to treat your child.

That's a clear and concise description of your P OP.

Once you've seen it, you simply cannot unsee it.

He's not 'thoughtless', he's selfish, miserly and self centered, and no-one else matters except for him and his DC.

Even when you mentioned it, he didn't offer to go and buy you and your DC an ice cream, he just offered you a taste of his ffs!

He really doesn't consider either you or your DC at all, does he?

Chuck him, and do not listen to any crap like 'I didn't think..' or 'I'm sorry, but...' because he DID think. He thought 'I fancy an ice cream, and I'll get DC one' then he fucked off and did exactly that! Zero fucks given for his long term partner or her DC, even though you were both WITH him !!

Maybe he was just on autopilot. You don't usually do stuff together, he just bought the usual. If he was otherwise a great boyfriend, this in itself would not bother me.

But very minor stuff like this can be an eye opener and make you look critically at the whole relationship.

You can leave him for any reason. I would have left him when I saw his teenage living standards to be honest.

No one with manners would "forget" to buy for the people they are with.

He’s either miserable or thougtless
neirher are great

We were at a Pantomime with cousins and their children, ours were older and at home. Another couple of cousins, who didn't have children with them, went out in the interval and bought a whole box of 24 ice creams and handed each child one, then the parents, and I think there were 2 left so us ladies whose children weren't in the party had one each. How is that for generosity?

Please tell him that’s he’s being a selfish prick. He needs to hear it (even if you split up- he needs to know this behaviour is not ok to most people)

I remember my 'last straw' with XP was in an airport when we were flying back from holiday. I had no local money left, he had some and it was lunchtime. We were both hungry. He bought a pack of two sandwiches and ate both of them while I watched.

That was it for me. No sharing, not even an offer to give (or lend!) me some money so I could buy myself some lunch. Just to sit and eat in front of me with absolutely NO thought that, just perhaps, he could have let me have one of his sandwiches.

And yes, he knew I was hungry.

The park near me that has a large enclosure of deer has so many carrots pushed through the fence for them they could probably stock a small supermarket. The deer ignore most of them.

Is he also blind that he didn’t notice the ice cream less child when he came back from the shop?

I would also like to know where it is possible to buy an icecream for £1.00! Certainly not round here ( London)

The only thing he could have done to make this right was so 'OMG so sorry, I was on autopilot - let me get one right this minute'

I think it's indicative of how he lives his life. You deserve generosity, since you so freely give

This...I can't imagine being in company and just going off and buying for myself, especially if there was a child there.

I wouldn't do this even if were were a random school parent in an awkward playmate situation, where the kids know each other but the parents don't and wouldn't usually hang out and might never again.

And if I could only afford 2 they would be the kids', not one for me. I'm not suprised this has put you off him.

I don't see how you would do this on autopilot. It sounds to me like in some ways he planned it by him and his child wandering off and then returning with ice creams. I don't know anyone who would do that. Surely at the point of buying one he would have thought about getting back to meet @InconsiderateBoyf and could then have bought her and her child one as well, or messaged to check if he wasn't sure if the daughter was allowed.

Actually editing to add I do recall someone doing this when we were in a group of friends. We all found it rather bizarre. She walked off supposedly to the toilet and then they both returned with ice creams. All the other kids then started pestering for one. I think she was oblivious to the social norms of checking what everyone else is planning before committing to your child.
It was also odd as it was at the start of the day out too, normally with friends ice cream would come after lunch. Apparently her daughter had asked for one and she didn't want to say no.

You see I might have forgiven if he had realised his thoughtlessness and rushed to make amends.
What did he actually say??

God NO you are not unreasonable. I mean if I go out with mum friends and one of us goes to ice-cream van, they come back with stuff for all the kids and that's just pals! Let alone a long term boyfriend. He didn't even bother his arsenal to.open his gob and say hey I'm going to get ice-cream do you want to come and get some too or something he clearly didn't want to.pay for you or.your child so just snuck off.

Doesn't sound like he's worth pursuing.