AIBU to have the ick over this?

[InconsiderateBoyf]

I'm in what some would consider a long term relationship. Been with my boyfriend a few years. Don't live together, each have one child similar ages, rarely spend time all together with the children too, just due to busy lives (I work weekends)

So this weekend we went to a large park which also has deer there...on entry I'd bought both our children animal feed, so they could feed the deer.
A short while after, boyf goes into the little shop and reappears with ice creams... initially I thought he'd bought us all one, then noticed there was only two.
Great I thought, he's bought both our children one...but no! He'd bought himself and his child one, no fucks given whatsoever about my child.

Now, I don't expect handouts. But these ice creams were £1 each. But it's more the fact he didn't consider my child.

I think it was a bit of a realisation at how selfish this man can be and has made me reconsider our whole relationship, to be honest.

AIBU to be so peeved by this? It has given me the serious ick.

That's actually an awful thing to do. Who DOES that?! I'm so sorry this happened to your little girl.

Hi OP,

I am sorry to read your posts. This latest man is not top of the pops, and neither was your husband, and you are blaming yourself and feeling gutted that your eyes have been opened.

I just want to say that I hope your trajectory of men goes upwards and upwards, and it will do if you raise the bar. Are you going to phase this man out? You could do, and you could refuse to see anyone who lives like a tosser, is mean, is half arsed and generally not good enough. The older I get, the more I think that this is all there is, assuming you are not after a situationship type thing. A decent man or no man at all.

X

That is a one way ticket to Ickville. We'll done OP, the work you have been doing is starting to show positive results. Time to move on.

You're not being unreasonable. And please don't even connect "hand-outs" with "common decency". I'd have bought ice creams for everyone, or at the very least ask if anyone wants ice cream. That's just what you do when you're out with someone, especially if there are kids involved.

You're right to see this behaviour as a red flag. Your boyfriend showed you that you and your child don't matter, and that he's a taker but not a giver (he happily accepted that you bought his child deer feed but couldn't begrudge your child a £1 ice cream).

The fact that you're noticing his selfishness now, after so many years, tells me it's not the first time this man has shown you that he only thinks about himself and "his own", that he's a taker and not very generous. I personally couldn't be with a man like this, because a person is rarely mean and selfish about only one aspect of life.

I could not look at him the same way if this were me, it's trivial in the grand scheme but speaks volumes .

So in the space of time it took this Prince among men to go to the counter of the shop he'd forgotten that his girlfriend and child were with them, automatically bought only 2 ice-creams, came back out, and didn't immediately recover the situation by saying 'here's an ice-cream each for the kids'. No, no and no. He's an adult. You can't train consideration into him at this point, and neither should you have to.

It's not even about a 'family unit' for me, it's about common decency.

I was at the beach last week and my 9 year old grandson started playing with an 8 year old boy for a couple of hours.

We bought my GS an ice cream and wouldn't have dreamed of leaving the other child out.

Obviously checked with his mum first, but was never going to just automatically leave him out.

Is this what you got from this post? 🤦‍♀️

I agree with @Maninasuitcase that you should not feed wild animals. But from the OP's first post, I gather she bought the food from the park where she (and her DP and their children) were visiting. So I imagine it's OK.. They would only be selling suitable food.

Totally unacceptable. If I couldn't afford to buy everyone or those who wanted one then I wouldn't purchase one. Really stingy and absolutely no thought for your child. Imagine living with him?

@InconsiderateBoyf I don't mean to sound bad, but you have been with him for 'a few years' you say, surely this cannot be the first time he has shown himself to be mean/tight fisted? It seems unlikely that you would not have noticed it before now.

What is a few years anyway? 2, 3, 5, more?

Even if it's only 2 or 3, surely he would have shown himself/how tight fisted he is before this past weekend?

Omg op how fucking rude of him,

Well when you see it you carnt unsee it can you,

There's no excuse for his rudeness what's so ever,

How did the rest of the day go,
Did he say anything when you went to buy you C her icecream,

My DH did this in the early days.. I was out with my sister and her 3 kids and my 2 kids, and he came to meet us with his 2 kids. Part way thru the day he went to the shop to buy his two a drink and when he came out I pointed out that he hadn't got ALL the kids a drink.

Bloody hell, I think OPs BF is awful for singling out his girlfriends child to exclude, but being annoyed someone wanted to get a drink for their two kids without having to pay for another 5 kids is grabby AF.

If it was just you it should be natural to include you, but why should he have to fork out for your sister's three kids too?!

When out with differing groups we always sort our own kids out for shop bought stuff, I think what you describe above would fall into that category in fairness to him.

OP I would see this as a pointed message.
A Fantasy Family Unit, this is nowhere near.

Absolutely not. If he’s selfish on the small things he’ll be selfish with the big things. Who buys one kid an ice cream without offering the ONE other child there. Fair enough if you had 6 kids but even then I’d still expect him to treat all the children fairly

That's really rude, even if the people you're with aren't your family unit.

Three years.
As I explained previously, we didn't meet one anothers children for at least a year.
And they've probably only met up 10-15 times for 1-3 hours stints.

He's not entirely selfish. But we go dutch on everything generally, so whilst I know he can be a bit self-absorbed, I've not seen this behaviour before because this kind of situation hasn't arisen previously.

Now it has, I am genuinely re-evaluating everything, because it's shitty intolerable behaviour and has certainly opened my eyes to the kind of person he is deep down...

If I was at the park with anyones children, then it would be ice cream for all kids.
My only defanse of your Dp would be if there were any logistics in carrying multiple ice creams i the heat.

We were only together for about two hours after the ice-cream incident.
He seemed desperate to get away, I suspect because he could sense the shift in my mood.

Sadly, we were about 20 metres from where he bought them. And they were lollies, in wrappers.
Trust me, I wish there was a feasible excuse. The reality is he put his greedy self before a young child.

I wouldnt expect anyone to buy me and my child one but its more rude than anything. He could have just said we are going to get icecreams do you both want one? Let's go together.

He's an arsehole. Dump him. That's so wrong.

Oh Gosh! I'd never buy an ice cream for my child only if there were other children present... Bin him, please.

No, I agree.
With a friend I wouldn't expect it, even, necessarily.
But this is someone who I have an intimate relationship with and I suppose because I treat his child like my own, I expected the same courtesy for my own child to be considered.

That's really minging.