AIBU to feel contextual offers are unfair after my son's results?

[ThatQuickLilacOrca]

Results Day last Thursday and son is beyond devastated. This experience has made us realise that there’s so much discrimination on children who have attended private school. We are not wealthy at all, DHs parents have helped us pay for our three children’s education. DH and I have normal jobs I work in the civil service and DH works in policy side of things for network rail.

Anyway I am saying this because of contextual offers why can’t everyone just get the same offer based on merit. Our son had an oxford offer he missed that he got AAA instead of his offer which was A A A now he cannot go to his dream university he was rejected as he missed the offer. He is planning to resit further maths again in hopes of getting an A and we will support him with that it’s just quite sad but he’ll get over it he’ll apply again for next year the school has been ever so supportive.

He overachieved on his offer yet there’s kids getting in with less grades than him just because of the schools they go to. We did initially think for him to go to grammar school for sixth form as we have friends who’s children left independently school for sixth form for grammar schools to get lower offers for Oxbridge and one of them messaged me saying “I told you so” as her son got into Oxford for the exact same course he was just given a lower offer. I am so annoyed

I guess this is a lesson for my son he has realised the world isn’t fair and it’s quite a motivator for him. He’s a hardworking boy, he has spent some is his summer in South America teaching maths, he went to a maths competition in America this summer too, this is a very dedicated boy we have spoken to the university but they wrong budge they’re willing for him to resit and reapply next year.

I think contextual offers should only really be for young carers, children who have been in foster care, children with disabilities etc not just because of your address and the school you go to that is very unfair. Most parents at Indys are catching onto this lots are sending their children to grammar schools/state schools so they get lower offers. It’s an awful system that we have in this country. I’m so hurt for him but I know this will motivate him. He’s our eldest and we were looking forward to dropping him off at Oxford not Durham, he out Durham as his insurance he never wanted to go there! They did accept him but what’s the point, he was so upset when he logged into UCAS to see that and some is my friends advice was that he should just go to Durham why should he go to a university he doesn’t want to to. He put them as insurance because it’s the smart thing to do but deep down he always thought he’d get into Oxford. He still went out and celebrated his friends but he’ll be back to school in September, he’s looking forward to visiting his friends that are going to university and he’s recently got a part time job at an art gallery and he’s loving it so at least he’s got an extra year to enjoy that.

Sorry for the rant. Any parent just wants their son to be happy he’ll get over it in a couple of weeks as his application needs to be in by Oct so we will have to just see how this round goes he’s willing to give it one more shot.

Honestly most people at Durham, Edinburgh, UCL will have three A stars or at least a bunch of A stars and As. Your son won’t feel like the class is moving slowly.
These days for grad schemes much better to get 2.1 or 1st - and they wont be handed on a plate - from those institutions than a 2.2 or third from Oxbridge.

I think the OP slipped up big time by mentioning private school, that is why all the heckles went up and that is why there is so much joy in many posters' comments when they say 'he did not make the grade', 'don't resit', 'oxbridge is not for you'. I learnt about class hatred at school (second Russian revolution) but only came across it in real life when dc went private. It was such an eye opener, I was amazed - and the most surprising thing was that our minor day school would have been totally affordable to those who envied most, had they done what we did - used the money which could have bought a move to a better area or house improvements, or frequent foreign holidays, for/on school fees. How they were looking forward to our dc failure! And I will always remember their concern 'with your unpredictable income, is it prudent to place your child in a private school from reception - you may have to withdraw when you can't make the fees later on and it will be devastating, devastating - have you thought of that?'

Well it cuts both ways doesn’t it with the “we value education so are going private” comments which I have had said to me a few times!

Though agree it’s extremely rude to comment on others choices those people you quote sound absolutely horrendous! Hope they are out of your own and children’s lives now.

No it was her ranting re contextual offers which Oxford doesn’t even do. She has owned it though ,recognised her privilege and started a new thread. Maybe you should recognise your privilege.

Durham sounds like it would have been a great fit.
There’s no guarantee of an offer from any uni this year.
Edinburgh is competitive.
You post comes across as oh he’ll just about suck up going to Edinburgh if he must.
Your comment we didn’t take him to the open day makes him sound very young for his age. If he’d wanted to go he could have got train or flown up even if you couldn’t go.
One advantage of a gap year is they can visit friends at unis and get a good feel. I bet loads from his school are at Edinburgh, Exeter, Durham, St Andrews etc.

Op do you not understand that if he gets an a star second time around it isn’t looked at in the same way as if he’d got it first time round alongside his other subjects?
This is key. It’s not the same as a first time a star. Of course it’s easier to get a grade higher second time around when not doing 2 or 3 other subjects, surely that is obvious.
if he didn’t get the grades first time then he’s not Oxford material.
I’d also be concerned that his school has given him poor advice regarding his university choices and has now led to the situation you are in. I’d be disappointed spending ££ on this school to now be here.

I recognise my undeserved and unearned privilege daily, I refer to it as such - a gift from God, and tell my dc the same. I probably overdid it too, as I feel my dc attitude to it through their embarrassment and concealment of private schooling.

Exactly, those who live in their “nice” school bubbles have no idea how challenging some state schools can be.

In ds’s school only 3 kids out of 200+ got 5 As for their Highers (Scotland). The school celebrated them because it was so unusual for as many as 3 pupils to achieve that. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Those kids that achieve their contextual offers despite years of trying to learn in challenging environments that grind many young people down absolutely deserve their uni places.

They made him an offer based on his circumstances. His circumstances being that he's been privately educated in smaller classes with every resource available. That's what you pay for.
Presumably there are a certain number of places on the course.
If they give him a place when he didn't get the grades, which student do you suggest should be rejected so that he can have a place on the course?
There are plenty of posters saying it's a contract. It is. Except he didn't get the grades for his side of the contract. It's unfortunate. I'm sure he's worked hard. But that's life. To say it's discrimination is ridiculous.

OMG love, check your privilege!

Your DS got those grades despite going to a great private school. The reality is there are kids coming out of our local state sixth form with 5 A stars. Plenty of whom are the children of recent immigrants who came here with nothing but an astounding work ethic.

I actually don't know one child who got into Oxbridge without all top grades and something special about them (eg they sing for the national youth orchestra, are a champion hurdler, or have set up a charity). So to insinuate that your child hasn't got in because kids are getting in with AAB or something is just plain wrong.

I went to Oxford before contextual offers and before A*s. Both of these things probably would have prevented me and honestly, that would have been for the best 😅

At our local secondary, which is actually highly rated and you can expect to pay an extra £100,000 on your house price to live in the catchment, only 54% of children achieve Nat5 Maths (we’re in Scotlabd, kind of like GCSE) and that’s not an A, that’s a pass! At our private school it’s 98%. The school plays a huge difference in children sitting the same exam. Everything from disruption, teaching, physical space, homework expectations, exam prep, the environment pre-exam, all of it is weighted in the private school’s favour.

Maybe you'll feel happier OP if you know that our child's friend did not get their Cambridge place despite getting 4 A*s, being state-educated, one parent is an alcoholic and neither parent speak English as their first language.

OP you need to just take a breath.

He got Astar A A if I'm reading that correctly. Just move on and go to Durham. It will be perfectly nice. Like someone says, we fetishise Oxbridge and there's no good reason for it anymore. The maths course at Durham will certainly be challenging. There are thousands of kids rejected from Oxbridge having a great time / doing tough, valuable degrees elsewhere.

My DD got 3 A stars, has a grade 8 music, did other stuff etc and didn't even get an Oxford interview. She didn't give a shit, she just chose her favourite from the other offers and said that she would be a successful person anyway. Her school suggested that she reapply with the 3 A stars in hand, but she said no, she's going to uni elsewhere.

The admissions process is dodgy AF anyway. My DD knew someone who applied for the same course and college as her. DD scored better in the entrance exam. But the other kid got an interview and DD didn't. DD had 3A stars and 9x9 at GCSE so no grades for them to dislike.

Just move forwards. It's just a degree that takes 3 or 4 years. Oxford is not a branding on your soul that says you're the elite of the world. Some of the students there think that it is and then they are quite shocked when employers don't share that opinion.

It’s a shame for him, but he sounds incredibly cocky! Why was he allowed to put an insurance choice he didn’t want? Who let that happen? Does he not take advice from parents/teachers very well?

All the little quotes he’s said that you’re passing on, just make him sound sanctimonious tbh. I agree, not getting in is the best thing that could have happened to him, and going to other less ‘up their own arses’ university’s would be another best thing.

My cousin’s child got all top grades from state school and still didn’t get a place at Oxford in a male dominated field. Getting into these top unis should never be seen as a done deal, by anyone!

I don't see these responses as class hatred, just frustration at the lack of understanding that an A for a kid who has been cosseted and lavished with time, support and money all their lives is not the same as an A achieved by a child from a low income or difficult background - who may have had to spend a lot of their non school time caring or working.

I live in a fairly deprived part of London and every exam season there are kids in the library all day because they don't have access to a computer to type their course work and may not even have a quiet place or table at home to study.

He only did 3 A-levels including maths and further maths? that won[t have helped. Further maths is usually a fourth A-level.

Indicators of privilege in your post:

1. Attended private school
2. Family money paid for that private education
3. Two parents in secure knowledge-based employment
4. Supported to get work experience abroad
5. Multiple foreign trips in one year

And that's just the stuff you've mentioned. I bet he's also grown up in a house full of books, being read to and encouraged to learn and develop a growth mindset. I bet he's had extra support with anything he's struggled or excelled in and access to a range of extra-curricular activities.

With all of that advantage he should have outperformed kids from state school in his exams. Contextual awards are a leveller and if you are encouraging him to think that this is unfair then you are doing a huge disservice to him.

I might be being dim but what's the difference between AAA and AAA? Also, yes, I think you're being unreasonable. When I was at school, which was a rough comp, I didn't even Oxford was a place. It wasn't mooted. Neither was Durham. The university options suggested to us were all ones that were geographically close. Everyone was suggested the same three or so universities, irrespective of their potential. We had no careers guidance. I'm not saying that's ideal but it illustrates the differences between private and some comprehensive schools. Levelling the playing field is a positive thing. Also Durham is a great university, so I don't see the issue. I'm sure he'll flourish and have a blast.

There are lots of different types of discrimination. Disability, race, gender. This is not discrimination.

Edinburgh will need to roll out the red carpet.

A student with 1 Astar and 2As going to Edinburgh? Imagine! Whatever next?

Good thing he hasn't chosen Durham as those grades would have really blown their minds.

FWIW it[s much easier to get into Oxbridge for an MA, if you can fund that further down the line.

Op, it might be worth exploring if he could take them as a private candidate in November and free up the rest of his year to do something productive.

One of my daughter's friends had a contextual offer for medicine because she's a young carer. She got Astar, Astar, A in her A levels on Thursday. If she can do it with all the bad things that have happened in her life then why should the likes of your son get a place over people like her when he couldn't hit his required grades and she blew hers out of the water.

Would have been a school like 'Christ's Hospital' is. Many children go for free as fees are means tested. My DH went there.

oh behave and stop with the pity party you are not helping your ds with this attitude

vast majority (some we know don't care) want the best for their children

vast majority of parents simply can not even consider private education costs its just not on their radar

any parent who sends their child to private is buying into a privileged system that it doesn't always quite play out that way is life that most people have to deal with