To resent carrying all of the mental load of catering for DSD's dietary requirements

[orangefoxsoda]

This probably sounds awful but hear me out. DSD7 is with us full time for the summer. She lives abroad with her mum and her school dates are different, so she's with us for about another month. DP ex is a different religion to us, DP converted while married to her so is technically the same religion, but doesn't practice.

DSD doesn't eat certain foods while with DP ex for religious reasons. She also doesn't eat certain combinations of foods together. DP ex has always wanted us to stick to these dietary requirements when she's with us, which of course I respect.

DP takes zero responsibility for mealtimes when DSD is here. He will occasionally cook for the kids when she's not here, but when she is he expects me to take on the mental load of planning things she can eat and our other kids will also eat. DDs are fussy eaters and a lot of the meals they will happily eat are things DSD can't, and aren't easy to adapt without having to make two separate meals. DSD is very overweight currently so I don't want to just put a ready meal in front of her, which DP would do most nights if I didn't cook.

AIBU to want him to take more responsibility? He has actually followed this diet so has a better idea of what to feed her than I do anyway.

Step Dd Cant have chicken after scrambled egg as it has milk in it

Oh come on, eating religiously is not a mum trying to control her dds dad’s family. It is following her religion and this control argument is bullshit. The op is being a doormat and the dad a lazy jerk, and I’d take a week off cooking for anyone in this house, but the mum is not being controlling. I expect court would also think it mattered if the dad’s family refused to support her religion.

You don’t have to put milk in scrambled eggs??!!

Yep it’s different if it’s an invited guest. Then I would cater as a one off. But a permanent family member no. They eat what they are given. It would be the same if any of my own children decided to become vegetarian or vegan. They can make their own food. They can pick out the bits they want to eat but the meals would remain the meals I cook for the family. I don’t make separate food for different people

Dear God. The world, and the people in it, have gone mad.

For things like carbonara you can just use Jewish cheese and serve the meat separately? I think you need to batch cook there are some Jewish content creators who have good batch cooking ideas that should take some of the pressure off

Has DP taken any time off at all with his daughter?

This will bells on. I can't get my head around people being controlled to the extent of what they can eat and when; which body parts they chop off, or hide; rules around sex and contraception... I'm not singling out any one religion, they're all bonkers. A sky fairy and some long dead men having an opinion on my hair, diet and pregnancies. Nope. You wouldn't accept this level of control from another person, it's abusive. Why do people brainwash their kids with it?

i cook scrambled eggs with butter

I like it just eggs and salt and (white) pepper

If she’s Jewish then just go veggie/fish except seafood, that is fine.

Does she eat non-kosher meat ie, chicken from a supermarket or does it have to be from a kosher butcher? The latter would be more challenging.

Your husband def needs to step up though, it’s his DD and he has the knowledge of what to cook.

what sort of meals do you cook normally as things can easily be adapted.

What’s Jewish cheese!? I think you mean kosher cheese, but vegetarian cheese is fine for most (and if she was religious enough to only eat kosher cheese she wouldn’t be staying at a non-kosher house).

I don’t make scrambled egg w milk. I also use a bit of oil rather than butter as I don’t eat much dairy.

Yes, she can, just not in the same meal.

I am Jewish and some of what you’re saying re her requirements is odd.

no need to wait 6 hours - 3 is the usual time (and many do 1 between dairy and meat).

Vegetarian cheese is fine (no Parmesan though).
if she’s so religious she needs to wait 6 hours, but not so religious she’s eating off plates etc that have served both meat and milk is strange.

What @Dilbertiansays basically, I was also brought up orthodox.

Also you can do lasagne - do a meat one and a veggie one - just don’t put the meat in one - use quorn.

It is control when it is so inconsistent. Of course the step family need to respect the mum’s religious choices, but, equally, the mum has to accept the dad’s choices. Doesn’t MN always say that each parent in a separated family has to accept that choices and parenting may be different in each family?

They have to find a middle ground, but it is not the step mum’s job to try and make her home kosher according to birth mum’s interpretation.

He’s still Jewish, sorry. You don’t lose your Jewish status as a convert if you go in to marry a non-Jew. Converts are as much Jewish as someone born Jewish.

Bit her dp is out at work very long hours putting a roof over their heads snd good onbtheir table.
For goodness sake please don't listen to the posters telling you to go against the requirements of her religious beliefs

@orangefoxsodaIMO what you are doing is considerate, respectful and caring. But I feel you’ve taken too much on.

1. Yes your DH should do more.
2. Why are you letting the kids make this more difficult than it needs to be? If she can’t eat cheese because of her religion, that’s no reason your kids shouldn’t have cheese on their pasta (she’ll need to get used to this kind of thing). If you need to serve some meals without meat to make life easier, then your kids can put up with that for a short period.

https://www.kosher.com/recipes/category/mains/

Can you go through this site and tick off the meals that they will all eat?

I've got 3 with SN and it's tricky to cater. One is vegetarian, and the sensory issues means that what one will eat, others won't.

Most Jews will eat meat after milk so long as it’s been over 3 hours.

OP I think you're doing a great job by being so respectful of DSD's religion. I think it's important to work around her dietary options. Otherwise you put her in a difficult position where she may have to be economical with the truth with her mother, and disregard her own religious requirements.

I think there are a couple of things you can do.

I. Serve up deconstructed meals - pasta with pouring cheese sauce, baked potatoes with a variety of fillings. She can then select the things she's allowed, and your kids can select the bits they like.

1. Get your husband to write a full list of meal options that work for everyone. If he won't even do this then you need to sit him down and read him the riot act.

And ignore the PP who are so critical of other belief systems. I'm horrified - but sadly not surprised - that there is so much intolerance of religion on MN.

This.

I know it's ignorance, but some prayers are dreaming Judaism as a religion only. There's a bit more to it.

Also you can use plant milks and spread OP. Scrambled eggs with soy milk is fine, margarine in a sandwich etc. vegan cheese even

I think you’re being a little unreasonable given a) that this is a short-term problem over the summer, b) what you say about your and your husband’s working hours, and c) that your own children’s fussiness is a big part of the problem.

I get it - I have a very fussy husband and an adult daughter who is vegan (she no longer lives with us, so life is now easier) but there are very few meals that both will eat.

I’m not going to add any menu suggestions as lots of others have done that, but one simple fix would be to substitute yeast flakes for cheese.

Make a sauce using oat milk rather than cow’s milk and then divide it into two: add cheese to one portion and yeast flakes to the other. Your DSD can also sprinkle yeast flakes on top of her pasta in the same way that everyone else sprinkles grated cheese.

I don’t like buying processed food but I also sometimes resort to vegan “meat”balls. They’re actually pretty good and my husband didn’t realise for ages that they didn’t have any meat in them!