To resent carrying all of the mental load of catering for DSD's dietary requirements

[orangefoxsoda]

This probably sounds awful but hear me out. DSD7 is with us full time for the summer. She lives abroad with her mum and her school dates are different, so she's with us for about another month. DP ex is a different religion to us, DP converted while married to her so is technically the same religion, but doesn't practice.

DSD doesn't eat certain foods while with DP ex for religious reasons. She also doesn't eat certain combinations of foods together. DP ex has always wanted us to stick to these dietary requirements when she's with us, which of course I respect.

DP takes zero responsibility for mealtimes when DSD is here. He will occasionally cook for the kids when she's not here, but when she is he expects me to take on the mental load of planning things she can eat and our other kids will also eat. DDs are fussy eaters and a lot of the meals they will happily eat are things DSD can't, and aren't easy to adapt without having to make two separate meals. DSD is very overweight currently so I don't want to just put a ready meal in front of her, which DP would do most nights if I didn't cook.

AIBU to want him to take more responsibility? He has actually followed this diet so has a better idea of what to feed her than I do anyway.

Totally agree! It also seems like such a non-issue, if your life set up is such that you are normally cooking household meals, and you have an extra 7 year old and need to do some very basic level dietary requirements (not even full kosher) then I really don’t see why it’s hard at all - seems relatively easy to sit down and plan out 7 days worth of meals that suit and then repeat the plan each week.

If on the other hand OP is actually just unhappy with the general arrangement of her being responsible for meal times, then that’s reasonable of her and something to address with her DH.

But I don’t see how this diet issue makes much of a difference.

DP was not Jewish by the time I married him. He converted before he got married to ex and stopped practicing when he moved out.

So I’m guessing it’s no milk and meat, no pork and no shellfish?

Just chuck it all into AI and the foods your kids like and see what it suggests as meals. Outsource to Chat GPT.

you still married him knowing he had a stepdaughter and that you needed to make sure, as a family, her needs weren't sidelined. You also had a child of your own who needed to be cared for. You both then went on and had two more children so of course mealtimes will be tricky. I don't know what you expected! If you are the one working part time then of course most of the sorting of meals and shops will fall to you

It sounds more like the time between milk and meat is a problem.

I think I would be going on holiday for the entire time she is there. Let him manage her care.

Im permanently astonished that people choose to live by such crazy rules for absolutely no real reason. What on earth is the benefit to all the restrictions?!

op, delegate to DH, he chose to become Jewish, marry someone Jewish and bring a child up Jewish… this is not your problem!

If she has to wait six hours after meat before eating dairy then she is pretty orthodox and presumably you’re getting all of your meat from a kosher butcher? With these rules I’m surprised her mother is allowing her to eat in your house at all. Your best bet is to serve dairy and fish meals, tinned tuna, fresh fish, eggs, and avoid meat entirely. No reason why you can’t serve meat, potatoes and veg to your children and give her a portion of tuna instead of the meat. Or serve ham salad but give her eggs instead. Or buy tofu and corn for her.

Absolutely agree with other PP that her father should be stepping up and taking charge of this though

Would you give this deeply unpleasant advice if the child had Muslim dietary requirements or are you just reserving your disdain for Jews?

Honestly so many comments on this thread that are so dismissive of Judaism. Wonder why?

Because no non Jewish child is ever over weight so it must be the kosher diet. Damn those pesky Jews with their bagels and lokshen pudding

I think it's a combination of the extent of the requirements, whilst not actually following all of them. Muslim dietary requirements don't seem as onerous. But I think there would be huge sympathy if the OP was trying to cater a Jain diet for weeks on end. That looks even harder.

I think your efforts sound so supportive of your DSDs faith. Definitely her dad needs to step up, even if only to meal plan so the meals suit the whole household. Even if you cook, he can do that bit. BUT the other DC - what is the obsession with meat? Where is that coming from? There are meat substitutes - not ideal many of them - but might work here eg in a bolognaise. I cook a veggie tagine, so not hot spicing, but you can add lamb (hopefully halal/kosher). Are the other DC interested in learning about their sister's beliefs? Perhaps they could all learn to cook dishes that suit? I am veggie, DC are meat/fish eaters, so get the nightmare of different meals.

I can’t believe you used to give her bacon

Yes YABU @orangefoxsoda and so is your DP.

If both of you dont want/ can't be arsed to provide his child with a balanced, nutritious, kosher diet then he needs to tell her mum that. Job done.🤷‍♀️

You say he converted to Judaism. That is not an easy thing to do. It involves lots of studying, learning and understanding of G-d, the Jewish faith and the individual's responsibility to their family, their community and their religion. So he knows the significance of keeping kosher.

Your DP sounds like a feckless, fly-by-night, lazy man so I can understand your annoyance with him. Don't make it your step daughter's problem though. She is a seven year old child. None of this is her fault.

And whatever the fuck you do, don't bring her weight into it.🤦‍♀️

I just couldn’t be in a relationship with a shit dad. I work full time and I feed my kids. I would tell him that and that dc and I were going away and he could work it out on his own and see what he thought about my contribution and how much parenting he was willing to do when he signed on to take his own daughter for 6 weeks, because if he can’t parent her then she can’t stay and that’s not on you.

I’m really sceptical about this. It sounds more like the mum is using dietary requirements as a control over her ex’s new family.

I’m Jewish, brought up Modern Orthodox. I know how to keep kosher. No, your kitchen equipment and appliances do not need to be ‘blessed’. But you do need to have separate dishes and utensils for meat and milk foods. If the mum is so strictly kosher that she waits six hours between meat and milk, she would definitely not allow her daughter to eat from dishes that had held treif foods like ham, or meat cooked with dairy.

There are two issues here.

One is feeding your family. The simplest thing would be to go veggie for the month. Otherwise, deconstruct meals. All parts of the meal dished up separately, with animal protein on the side, and let everyone choose the parts they want to add to the main vegetarian base.

The other issue is your dh, her dad. Time for him to engage and set ground rules with his ex.

It is not unheard-of for children of mixed relationships to eat strictly kosher when with the Jewish side, and sort-of-maybe-a-bit-kosher when with the non-Jewish side.

You said you’re buying kosher meat for her? What about cheese? What about prawns? What about puddings and sweets?

I'd just do milky or parev breakfast and lunch - cereal, pancakes, scrambled eggs, tuna mayo, egg mayo, veg sticks and hummus or non-aged cheese, cream cheese and smoked salmon, cheese and tomato pizza, tuna pasta bake.

Then do a meat or fish dinner with carb and veg or salad - roast chicken, chicken kebabs, baked salmon, kosher sausages, chicken schnitzel, homemade meatloaf, meatballs... . For pudding, fresh fruit, ice lollies, dairy-free ice cream/vegan ice cream, vegan coconut or soy yogurts.

Your own children sound like they eat a lot of meat (if it’s every meal, every day). The issue seems to be meat and cheese- do these have to be present in every meal they eat, several times a day…
DSD’s diet doesn’t sound great either if she’s overweight, what’s the reason for it?

I’d go vegan /veggie for the month too, healthier and just sounds easier!

Or- if it’s the 6 hour rule that’s a pain more than the actual meat/cheese thing have breakfast at 7.30, lunch 12.30 and dinner at 6.30 and everyone can eat the same thing… kinda if you are buying kosher goods, I doubt you use different equipment to prep it though. It all sounds a bit 🤔to me!

@orangefoxsoda I think the answer is to meal plan. Sit down with DH and do a four week meal plan, then use this anytime she visits. Cuts out all the thinking.

I would tell the DC who can't go a single meal without meat to pipe down though, that's a ridiculous complaint! They shouldn't have to go veggie, but eating carbonara without the meat for one dinner is hardly a great sacrifice. If they're old enough perhaps have a chat about the health implications of an excessively meat heavy diet (particularly red meat).

Fish and diary can be eaten togetehr so perhaps lean into this in the meal plan!

She’s seven!! You’re talking about her as if she is an older teenager or adult. We could say the same about OP’s children who won’t eat pasta sauce without meat or whatever the issue is.

OP and her DH need to parent all these children. At the moment they are pussyfooting around all of them which makes the catering impossible for poor OP. Of course the real issue is that DH is doing sod all to care for his own child, but to solve OP’s immediate problem she needs to speak to all the children about mealtimes and set some ground rules (she is working hard to make sure everyone has something they like and can eat, she expects them to be polite rather than moaning and accept that they can’t have their favourite thing every day and that’s just part of being a family). Then remind them of this when DSS is upset about cheese or her kids are whinging because they have tomato pasta rather than carbonara.

Christ I'm glad I'm not religious and have to follow all these crazy and difficult food rules. Poor kid not being able to eat what her half siblings do ....because of some man made religious text set out thousands of years ago. People really are easily brainwashed! (and I say this having been brought up in a fairly religious Catholic family)

Agree. all this nonsense made up by people thousands of years ago. I couldn't deal with any of it especially in my own home

If your DH is dismissing DSDs food requirements as unimportant, too much to think about and too much hassle, then why can’t you? The DSD eats something that wouldn’t comply with her mother’s strict set of rules, she tells her Mum and your DH deals with it. Your house, your rules and all DCs should learn to eat what they are given. The religious aspect is a smoke screen (imho). It’s a way of DSDs mother making your life difficult and retaining control of the situation. Change it now or you will be stuck with this indefinitely. Let DH deal with the consequences (or make the food).

Kosher is reasonably easy to cater for, and you can fit it in with your kid’s preferences. Don’t try and fit round the 6 hour thing - just do one pescatarian day followed by one non-dairy day followed by pescatarian again.

Day 1 - cereal with milk ; cheese sandwich with salad; fish and chips
Day 2 - scrambled eggs on toast; chicken sandwich with salad; roast chicken
Day 3 - cereal with milk; cheese sandwich with salad; macaroni cheese
Day 4 - toast and jam; omelette; chicken in tomato sauce with pasta

Eggs and fish can be any day.